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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally
steps on one.
Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for
stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and
along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is
another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same
admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she
steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever
laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
He: . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She: . . . You wear pants don't you?
He:... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She:.....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He:..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She:….. I would but you're never there.
He:….. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She…… They don't have time
He:…..Why are married women fatter than single women?
She:…..Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped George Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and Pat Robertson. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
“Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy right now."
(Brief Pause.)
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it
Daddy."
"And what happened honey? he asked.
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh no!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?................... Is this 486-5731?"
A guy is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and, although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry, do you know me?"
She replies " I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children".
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.
"Blimey" he says. "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I had sex with on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery?
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."
Brian invited his mother over for dinner.
During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep
noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and
Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I
doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure". So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mum: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from
the house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian".
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
"Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie; I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum."
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54-year-old body can no longer supply. However, I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight.
When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you are reading this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow.
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