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I haven't officially adopted them. That said, my father (who has been looking into law on the side) got in touch with some lawyers and apparently in the state where I live child support and alimony become an issue after the 11th month of marriage has been completed. If I wanted to leave without any additional financial responsibilities, I would need to do so this week.
Do it even if you want to stay in this woman's life. You can always leave a brown envelope for whatever you think she is worth. Do not be at the mercy of a legal system.
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The saddest thing is..I *know* this this woman loves me, but I also realize that looking back on it, most of the points people are making in this thread ring true.
*sigh* The hardest thing about this is that I don't want to hurt her, but leaving would obviously do that in a very real way. I know it's a lot to ask..but could some of the more experienced people here tell me how I should decide whether or not it's worth giving her the opportunity to change?.
You can still be unofficial but beware she will suddenly be a lot more complaint with a purpose. I'd also get legal advice on that as well since you don't want any common law loop holes.
We can't make that decision for you nor really give you any more advice than we have without actually being there and seeing the situation for ourselves, even then we'd have varying opinions. What do your friends and family say? They must have an opinion. Have you asked them? What does her family think?
If you feel that she's doing absolutely nothing to add to the family/marriage mix and abusing you, then it would be very clear. If you are very unhappy do you want to live like that for years or are you getting something out of the arrangement? Only you know the answer.
I'd also be real curious about what his own parents think about the position he has gotten himself into and what he should do about it.
I haven't mentioned my own parents thoughts on this matter as they would probably appear self-serving. My father and mother are both doctors who feel like they invested a lot in both my upbringing and my education. They were both angry and disappointed at me for getting married to my wife (the reasons they cited were her class, carelessness in getting pregnant twice at a young age, her education, the way that she sometimes treats me and overall..a desire for me to not have wanted to get married so young to someone they did not approve of).
They feel that I haven't had a chance as yet to experience the world or fully take advantage of the opportunities I had available to me. They also feel (and felt when first told the news of us being together) that I was far too young to be taking on the responsibility of another man's children. Whilst I (believe it or not) saw all of the good in her that I felt they couldn't, my parents are of the view that whether I'm still in this marriage next week, next year or 10 years from now, it won't work out purely due to our different social classes and our differences in ambition.
My friends were of varying opinions. Some thought that I was getting into something none of them would ever dream of whilst others were supportive that I go for whatever made me happy.
I know that many of the women on this thread feel like I'm a completely naive ******* who has no place being with single mothers, but I actually gave up a lot to move to my wife's country to be with her and the kids. I've been supporting them since I was in college and I've rarely had opportunities to do the things my parents mentioned above. Have I bitten off more than I can chew? Perhaps. Unfortunately, due to the legal system in order for my wife and I to live in the same country it was *necessary* for us to speed up when we got married, and I can't help but think that may have had negative repercussions we weren't expecting.
I haven't mentioned my own parents thoughts on this matter as they would probably appear self-serving. My father and mother are both doctors who feel like they invested a lot in both my upbringing and my education. They were both angry and disappointed at me for getting married to my wife (the reasons they cited were her class, carelessness in getting pregnant twice at a young age, her education, the way that she sometimes treats me and overall..a desire for me to not have wanted to get married so young to someone they did not approve of).
They feel that I haven't had a chance as yet to experience the world or fully take advantage of the opportunities I had available to me. They also feel (and felt when first told the news of us being together) that I was far too young to be taking on the responsibility of another man's children. Whilst I (believe it or not) saw all of the good in her that I felt they couldn't, my parents are of the view that whether I'm still in this marriage next week, next year or 10 years from now, it won't work out purely due to our different social classes and our differences in ambition.
My friends were of varying opinions. Some thought that I was getting into something none of them would ever dream of whilst others were supportive that I go for whatever made me happy.
I know that many of the women on this thread feel like I'm a completely naive ******* who has no place being with single mothers, but I actually gave up a lot to move to my wife's country to be with her and the kids. I've been supporting them since I was in college and I've rarely had opportunities to do the things my parents mentioned above. Have I bitten off more than I can chew? Perhaps. Unfortunately, due to the legal system in order for my wife and I to live in the same country it was *necessary* for us to speed up when we got married, and I can't help but think that may have had negative repercussions we weren't expecting.
Orbital, you truly sound like a nice kid - and I am sincerely sorry you are in this unhappy situation.
All along I have simply been attempting to get you to see you part in your own predicament. YOU alone made choices that have placed you where you are today. Accepting this and not focusing so much on what your wife is doing wrong will go a long way toward helping you make the right choices going forward.
The much bigger question you need to be addressing is, WHY? Why, given all the opportunity you parents provided for you and their high expectations did you allow yourself to fall into such a situation?
Is it possible this was your way of snubbing them, or of breaking away from their control? (this is rhetorical, you don't owe me any anwswers ) Given that you are only 11 months into what now appears to be a disaster, I'm not saying you HAVE to stay. I'm saying there are reasons why you find yourself where you are now, and you need to fully explore those reasons and deal with those issues to be the man you want to be.
How does everyone assume that a 25 woman who made a poor choice by bearing children to a guy who is such a loser is in prison, only has a high school and has not figured out how to earn a real income is an evil genius who trapped him? I doubt that she's smart enough to trap a man.
There are different levels of intelligence and knowledge. You're smart in your field but a "dumb" animal would be able to hunt you down and devour you in the wild. I know skilled doctors who can't deal with people outside of a doctor-patient relationship. There are brillant artists who can't learn a foreign language to save their lives.
This woman already has a non academic education in trapping men. It's native to most of them- flutter the eyelashes, sidle up next to you, whisper into your ear.... and you are HOOKED!!!
Orbital, you truly sound like a nice kid - and I am sincerely sorry you are in this unhappy situation.
All along I have simply been attempting to get you to see you part in your own predicament. YOU alone made choices that have placed you where you are today. Accepting this and not focusing so much on what your wife is doing wrong will go a long way toward helping you make the right choices going forward.
The much bigger question you need to be addressing is, WHY? Why, given all the opportunity you parents provided for you and their high expectations did you allow yourself to fall into such a situation?
Is it possible this was your way of snubbing them, or of breaking away from their control? (this is rhetorical, you don't owe me any anwswers ) Given that you are only 11 months into what now appears to be a disaster, I'm not saying you HAVE to stay. I'm saying there are reasons why you find yourself where you are now, and you need to fully explore those reasons and deal with those issues to be the man you want to be.
I wish you well with all of this.
Although that doesn't help me make my decision, I think its probably one of the best pieces of advice I've heard today. I'll give it some thought. Thank you.
He is simply way over his head and probably with a women he could never have when she was single.
Bingo. Once you cut through all the bsht and krap, dating really comes down to supply and demand for the vast majority of people. If he could have landed a woman that looked like her with no kids, he would have gone for that woman instead in a heartbeat.
Sorry to be so blunt. I really don't mean it in a cruel way, but these are just simple facts.
If you even think you will be leaving her you need to immediately stop having sex. There has been many a woman purposely stop her birth control withhout her mans knowledge thinking a kid will make the marriage better and keep the father around.
You could end up with a child in a foreign country that you never get to see.
There isn't a lot of hope for your situation because someone gets hurt regardless, and unfortunately it will probably be the single mom and her kids. But I hope every single mom on the planet reads your post, raises her standards, and holds out for a single dad who knows what he is getting into
Here's hoping that every single man reads this thread and either stays away from single mothers or NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER MARRIES THEM!!!
Also, here's hoping that women read this and realize that maybe getting married BEFORE pregnancy is a good idea after all.
I haven't officially adopted them. That said, my father (who has been looking into law on the side) got in touch with some lawyers and apparently in the state where I live child support and alimony become an issue after the 11th month of marriage has been completed. If I wanted to leave without any additional financial responsibilities, I would need to do so this week.
GET OUT! GET OUT NOW!!!! DO NOT WAIT!!!
*sigh* The hardest thing about this is that I don't want to hurt her, but leaving would obviously do that in a very real way. I know it's a lot to ask..
Trust me, she is looking to hurt you. She IS hurting you! She doesn't care about you at all based on her actions and she's already planning an exit strategy with your money.
but could some of the more experienced people here tell me how I should decide whether or not it's worth giving her the opportunity to change?
NO! NO! NO!!!
Not with that 11 month time limit. Also, even forgetting that, chances are good that she'll give the appearance of change but will revert back.
Again: GET OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE NOW!!!
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) Given that you are only 11 months into what now appears to be a disaster, I'm not saying you HAVE to stay. I'm saying there are reasons why you find yourself where you are now, and you need to fully explore those reasons and deal with those issues to be the man you want to be.
