Should I or Shouldn't I..Moving my GF to be with me... (dating, wife)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am in the middle of a conundrum. I apologize in advance for the length and any rambling that may happen.
Backstory... I met my current GF in May, when I lived in Virginia Beach. When we met, I told her that I was about 75% sure moving to San Antonio for my job, which is something I have wanted for a long time.
Part of the reason I wanted to move to San Antonio was to get a fresh start on my life. I did not enjoy living in Virginia at all and was anxious to get out of there.
Now, this girl knocked me for a loop. Very pretty. We get along smashingly. I would say she is one of my very best friends. She is a great lover, a blast to hang with, and we have a lot in common. We really did fall in love right away.
That being said, about a month or so into the relationship, I found out I was moving. She said to me on several occasions that she would like to move with me, now or eventually. I kind of blew that off, as I really wasn't interested. The last 3 weeks before I moved, she started acting very clingy and possesive. The week before I left, I sat her down and told her that I was not ready for that kind of committment, and that I couldn't handle it, etc. She was very upset, but took it ok, and left. She called me a couple of days after and wanted to hang out before I moved. We ended up spending the last couple of days together. Then I left. Mind you, I made it perfectly clear that we were breaking up.
Fast forward a little bit. We talk a few times on the phone, etc. There are strong feelings on both sides, still. She visits in October, we have a ball. In December, we went on vacation, again, had a blast. We are officially "together". So, she wants to move here, and soon.
Now, I had some reasons to not want her to move with me.
First, she can be very clingy. My best friend lives here, and I knew a couple of people from work, so I knew I would have some friends. I didn't to catch a hard time because she was lonely. She is very close to her family, and has lived away from home once, two hours away, and struggled. I could just imagine how it would be if she was here alone, and only had me to lean on. I am a very nice guy, and understanding, but I also know I can only take so much stress, as I have enough of my own going on, with being new here and with work being crazy right now. Take yesterday, for instance. I had barely slept all week. I took a sleeping pill, and even told her that my plan was to get a lot of sleep. I ended up sleeping about 13 hours. While sleeping, she must have sent me 4 texts and 1 call, all about hoping I was ok and that she was worried that I OD'd on the medicine.
Second, the money situation. She is a waitress. I have a pretty good job/career going. When we first got together, she told me how that she was independent, made good money, etc. Literally, 2 weeks later, she gets fired. She is short on her rent, so I lent her 550 bucks. I had just gotten my tax rebate back, so it wasn't a big deal. I made it very clear it was a loan. Next month... she is short on her rent. Her late fee for her rent was like 100 bucks, and she needed 150, so it made sense to just lend her the 150. Ok, so we are at a total of 700. Shame on her.
We start talking about going on a trip, for my birthday. I booked it, AFTER we discussed that it would be about 500 a peice. I specifically asked her, and she agreed, that I would pay her half, but she had to pay me back before we left. So, we go in December.... she has paid me......... $100. That is it. I end up paying for about 90% of what we did on the trip. Also, I didn't get a birthday gift either, which, while not the biggest deal, still kind of upset me because I kicked out so much for the trip, and had bought her an awesome gift for her birthday. Shame on me. And, I still have not seen one dime of this money. So, now, it is a grand total of 1100. Which, is a lot of money, and I could really use it right now. Also, I paid for her to come visit, the plane ticket, everything we did, etc.
Ok. Basically, she has no money. A crappy car, that would never make it here. So, her plan is to sell everything she doesn't need, and I am going to rent a car and pick her and her stuff up and bring it down. So, she is going to get here with
A. No car.
B. Barely any stuff
C. No job
D. No friends.
E. No money.
I know money isn't everything, but, she is a grown woman. I really enjoy just having to take care of myself, and I am not sure I am ready to take care of someone else, which is why I don't have kids and am not married. If she moved here, she would be living with me. We would probably have to share my car. In the course of our conversations, it was suggested she could take over the payments on mine, and I could get another one. Of course, she has NO credit, except for a student loan she defaulted on, so of course she is not getting any credit. So, I would probably have to have 2 cars in my name.... not a good situation for me. I know it is just money, but, I keep thinking to myself, that I am just going to have a world class mooch on my hands.
3. I am not sure I am staying here. I like it here, but, I may have chance to move elsewhere with work, including Italy next year, which, would be amazing. If I tie myself down, I am not sure I will have a chance to do that.
4. It's too soon. We have known each other 9 months. While I do love her, it is soon. If she moves here, I am pretty much committing to an LTR or more....
I am just at a total loss. My head says one thing. My heart says another. I do love this girl, and we could probably have a good life together. I know that she loves me an awful lot. I love her too. That is part of the dilemna. I love her enough to know that its gonna be a long shot to work. I know that I get frustrated, and bored and, in a selfish way, I want to start my life anew. I don't want to move her here, just to change my mind.
Any help? Suggestions? Curse words you wanna barage me with? Things I can clarify?
Last edited by IonRedline08; 02-10-2009 at 02:07 PM..
I am in the middle of a conundrum. I apologize in advance for the length and any rambling that may happen.
Backstory... I met my current GF in May, when I lived in Virginia Beach. When we met, I told her that I was about 75% sure moving to San Antonio for my job, which is something I have wanted for a long time.
Part of the reason I wanted to move to San Antonio was to get a fresh start on my life. I did not enjoy living in Virginia at all and was anxious to get out of there.
Now, this girl knocked me for a loop. Very pretty. We get along smashingly. I would say she is one of my very best friends. She is a great lover, a blast to hang with, and we have a lot in common. We really did fall in love right away.
That being said, about a month or so into the relationship, I found out I was moving. She said to me on several occasions that she would like to move with me, now or eventually. I kind of blew that off, as I really wasn't interested. The last 3 weeks before I moved, she started acting very clingy and possesive. The week before I left, I sat her down and told her that I was not ready for that kind of committment, and that I couldn't handle it, etc. She was very upset, but took it ok, and left. She called me a couple of days after and wanted to hang out before I moved. We ended up spending the last couple of days together. Then I left. Mind you, I made it perfectly clear that we were breaking up.
Fast forward a little bit. We talk a few times on the phone, etc. There are strong feelings on both sides, still. She visits in October, we have a ball. In December, we went on vacation, again, had a blast. We are officially "together". So, she wants to move here, and soon.
Now, I had some reasons to not want her to move with me.
First, she can be very clingy. My best friend lives here, and I knew a couple of people from work, so I knew I would have some friends. I didn't to catch a hard time because she was lonely. She is very close to her family, and has lived away from home once, two hours away, and struggled. I could just imagine how it would be if she was here alone, and only had me to lean on. I am a very nice guy, and understanding, but I also know I can only take so much stress, as I have enough of my own going on, with being new here and with work being crazy right now. Take yesterday, for instance. I had barely slept all week. I took a sleeping pill, and even told her that my plan was to get a lot of sleep. I ended up sleeping about 13 hours. While sleeping, she must have sent me 4 texts and 1 call, all about hoping I was ok and that she was worried that I OD'd on the medicine.
Second, the money situation. She is a waitress. I have a pretty good job/career going. When we first got together, she told me how that she was independent, made good money, etc. Literally, 2 weeks later, she gets fired. She is short on her rent, so I lent her 550 bucks. I had just gotten my tax rebate back, so it wasn't a big deal. I made it very clear it was a loan. Next month... she is short on her rent. Her late fee for her rent was like 100 bucks, and she needed 150, so it made sense to just lend her the 150. Ok, so we are at a total of 700. Shame on her.
We start talking about going on a trip, for my birthday. I booked it, AFTER we discussed that it would be about 500 a peice. I specifically asked her, and she agreed, that I would pay her half, but she had to pay me back before we left. So, we go in December.... she has paid me......... $100. That is it. I end up paying for about 90% of what we did on the trip. Also, I didn't get a birthday gift either, which, while not the biggest deal, still kind of upset me because I kicked out so much for the trip, and had bought her an awesome gift for her birthday. Shame on me. And, I still have not seen one dime of this money. So, now, it is a grand total of 1100. Which, is a lot of money, and I could really use it right now. Also, I paid for her to come visit, the plane ticket, everything we did, etc.
Ok. Basically, she has no money. A crappy car, that would never make it here. So, her plan is to sell everything she doesn't need, and I am going to rent a car and pick her and her stuff up and bring it down. So, she is going to get here with
A. No car.
B. Barely any stuff
C. No job
D. No friends.
E. No money.
I know money isn't everything, but, she is a grown woman. I really enjoy just having to take care of myself, and I am not sure I am ready to take care of someone else, which is why I don't have kids and am not married. If she moved here, she would be living with me. We would probably have to share my car. In the course of our conversations, it was suggested she could take over the payments on mine, and I could get another one. Of course, she has NO credit, except for a student loan she defaulted on, so of course she is not getting any credit. So, I would probably have to have 2 cars in my name.... not a good situation for me. I know it is just money, but, I keep thinking to myself, that I am just going to have a world class mooch on my hands.
3. I am not sure I am staying here. I like it here, but, I may have chance to move elsewhere with work, including Italy next year, which, would be amazing. If I tie myself down, I am not sure I will have a chance to do that.
4. It's too soon. We have known each other 9 months. While I do love her, it is soon. If she moves here, I am pretty much committing to an LTR or more....
I am just at a total loss. My head says one thing. My heart says another. I do love this girl, and we could probably have a good life together. I know that she loves me an awful lot. I love her too. That is part of the dilemna. I love her enough to know that its gonna be a long shot to work. I know that I get frustrated, and bored and, in a selfish way, I want to start my life anew. I don't want to move her here, just to change my mind.
Any help? Suggestions? Curse words you wanna barage me with? Things I can clarify?
Math!
9 months...
A trip she screwed yah for.... $400 minimum.
borrowed money ..................$700
Bearing in mind I'll bet you've paid and paid and paid if you stopped to really add it up.
but we'll go with just that! that's $1100 but wait there's more orrrrr less!
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN WITH HER THE WHOLE TIME! I'M GUESSING HALF OR LESS! SO I'M ONLY GOING TO USE 4 MONTHS IN MY EQUATION!
1100/4= $275 A MONTH!Not dating expenses, it's extra boo hoo i need a loan money!
In summation gathering all facts and figures taking into account that you do like making love to her, your high income, her low income....
Have you tried simply coming to a set price per sexual encounter??
A trip she screwed yah for.... $400 minimum.
borrowed money ..................$700
Bearing in mind I'll bet you've paid and paid and paid if you stopped to really add it up.
but we'll go with just that! that's $1100 but wait there's more orrrrr less!
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN WITH HER THE WHOLE TIME! I'M GUESSING HALF OR LESS! SO I'M ONLY GOING TO USE 4 MONTHS IN MY EQUATION!
1100/4= $275 A MONTH!Not dating expenses, it's extra boo hoo i need a loan money!
In summation gathering all facts and figures taking into account that you do like making love to her, your high income, her low income....
Have you tried simply coming to a set price per sexual encounter??
Hey, if you don't want her to move, then you don't want her to move. If this was the end-all, be-all woman of all time, you'd want her there RIGHT NOW, and you'd figure out a way to make it work. Given her dependent personality, you would be a one-person support system for her, emotionally and financially, and that's just no fun.
Did I mention the fact that once she moves in with you her friends(but wait she's friendless!) will suddenly appear like forest creatures that were hidden in the underbrush...and she start asking you to FLY THEM DOWN!
From what you described you're a ambitious young man who has his head partially screwed in except for a slight allergy to one teensy-tiny thing.....THE NORTH AMERICAN MANIPULATOR USER B++TCH! Look under her mane, you'll see a 666, trust me!
She needs to pay you back that $1100 and with interest before even thinking about moving to SA to be with you. That ought to stall her for a while. Once the $1100 is paid back, she needs to save enough money to be your roommate. That's half your apartment deposit, and half first and last months rent. I'd also collect a deposit for her share of the utilities ahead of time also. With her track record, that's reasonable for you to do so.
So... either she gets her financial act enough together to move to SA, or she'll never have the money to move and this will be a moot point. Be firm. She may be great company, but if she can't handle money and pay her own way, then you don't need her as a serious girlfriend/potential wife. Don't even let her visit you until she pays you that $1100. Even then, I'd be afraid she'd visit you and then make lame excuses about being unable to leave.
It's okay to love her, but don't be her doormat or crutch.
How old are the two of you? How far did she get education-wise? Push her to do more than just be a waitress.
I don't think it sounds like a good idea. Sorry, Ion. It's obvious from your post that this stuff weighs heavily on your mind, and it's only going to get worse. Let the money go, because once you break up for real, I doubt she's going to even try to pay you back.
It's too bad, because it sounds like you like this girl, but you are also thinking responsibly. Your brain is telling you the right thing to do.
Why was she fired? If she's a basically good (not lazy) person who is just down on her luck right now...you would be a fool to let her go (If you think she is "THE ONE" for you.)
I am not sure of your age. You seem very level headed and kind - but probably not really ready to settle down permanently yet. (Especially since you were ready to break up with her once already.) And that is really what she wants.
I would tell her there is a good chance that you will be transferring in the near future, and you don't want her to change her life for you. (I would cool it with sleeping together 'cuz that's not fair to her if you are moving on.)
If you find can't live without her, you can always change your mind later.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
And, I still have not seen one dime of this money. So, now, it is a grand total of 1100. 
Which, is a lot of money, and I could really use it right now. Also, I paid for her to come visit, the plane ticket, everything we did, etc. 
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN WITH HER THE WHOLE TIME! I'M GUESSING HALF OR LESS! SO I'M ONLY GOING TO USE 4 MONTHS IN MY EQUATION!
Not dating expenses, it's extra boo hoo i need a loan money!
