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I am in my early 30s and a full time professional and a part time student, and I am currently dating a guy who is five years younger than me. He is a good person, and does not appear like a jerk or anything of that sort. He does sweet things for me (opens the door for me, gives me a massage when I am home from work late, does the dishes for me if I have to study, helps me carry heavy things, etc). One thing in which I wish he was different- I wish he was at least as ambitious as me.
He is a former military guy and is living off the GI bill money. His main occupation is to be a full time student for another year, after which he wants to go into law enforcement. When he is not at school he takes naps, plays video games or hangs out with me. I have moments when I feel resentful because he is too chill. I not only work 40 hours/week; I am a part time student, I volunteer, I am building a savings account, and in my time off I like to read and learn more about the world. Deep in my mind, if I were in my boyfriend's position, I would take at least a part time job, or spend time more meaningfully- learning a new skill, reading, etc.
This horrible thought crosses me that I am a convenient girlfriend and sometimes I feel like a loser for that. I like diversity in dates- going to theater, ballet, weekend getaways, trying out new restaurants, concerts, etc. But I am also the one planning and paying for all the cool dates and the nicer restaurants. His date ideas are simpler- bowling, mini golf, a chain restaurant or diner - for which he pays (and I try to not pick the most expensive items, being aware that he doesn't work). I try to be sensible to his situation; I try to respect his preference for simpler dates. But lately it has started to bother me that when we go out somewhere I suggest, he gets whatever he wants (including the more expensive items on the menu), and does not even offer to pay for his share of the bill.
So far I haven't brought up the subject, as I don't know how to process it. Am I being too cheap? My ideal scenario would be that he'd offer to pay half of whatever we are doing, and if he can't afford it, to let me know, so I can go with a girlfriend who is willing to split the bill. I like his company but hate feeling like a sugar mama, and honestly I don't think he intentionally is trying to get stuff from me - he just enjoys the fact that I like nice things and go for what I like.
Should I talk to him and tell him the above? Would that hurt his feelings or pride? Should I break up and look for someone more ambitious? Am I overreacting? Do I have low self esteem for having accepted this so far?
It sounds to me that he's trying to carry his weight in proportion to his means. If you're the breadwinner, why wouldn't you be the one to pay a little more on balance? Men do it all the time, what's the difference when it's the woman doing it?
Bitey, I don't disagree with you. In fact, if we were to look at this completely gender-blind, you are right. I wish I didn't care. But I can't deny my feelings. Shamefully, I want to be treated like a princess and spoiled, why not?. Yet, I am not willing to go out with guys just because they can pay my bills. I like a lot about this guy, but I can't stop feeling resentful about the fact that he isn't trying harder. I am pretty hard on myself, and i guess I judge people the same way. When I was married and my husband was making 2X what I was making, I was working three jobs because I felt guilty for letting him carry all the financial weight. When I go out with someone and they invited me, I always try to be modest and financially conscientious with what I order.
I guess I wish my boyfriend was the same with me. I wouldn't be as resentful if he actually spent his time working instead of napping or video gaming. Or if he refused to go to events he can't afford. I do make more than him, but I am not exactly rich, and I want to be able to save, as well.
Why I am with him? Because at the time we started dating he was better than other guys who were around me.
Is it possible to mediate this issue efficiently or should I be looking for better? (I don't even know how likely it is to find better)
OP, you say you like his company - but I don't see where you said you're in love with him or even that you're crazy about him.
The financial part would bother me, as would his lack of ambition. Him opening doors, carrying things, and sometimes paying at the cheaper chain restaurants would not be enough to maintain a relationship.........for/with me.
You can't make him more ambitious. And you're not happy the way things are. But you're afraid you can't find someone better.
Sounds like he would be a great buddy, someone to hang out with........but a live-in/serious/intimate long-term permanent relationship? No.
what was his military experience like- was he active duty? If he saw combat or was even deployed to an active combat area, I would think he could still be coming down off that- being chill may be where he is at, emotionally at this time...
Love... that's another topic altogether. I don't feel crazy about him, but I like hanging out with him. I asked my therapist if I should keep looking for Mr Perfect who, in an ideal world, would sweep me off my feet and would be my everything.
My therapist confirmed what I already knew- there is a difference between the ideal world in our head and the daily reality. Very few relationships are based on that crazy movie love. My therapist confirmed another thing: you choose the best of what's available or you agree to be alone, waiting for The Prince, who may or may not come. I would rather not get to be 80 and single just because I saved myself for an imaginary prince.
So yes, my bf is a nice guy, I care about him, I want him happy. I am not swept off my feet by him, but I would rather hang out with him than be totally alone. And I'm not looking to get married
what was his military experience like- was he active duty? If he saw combat or was even deployed to an active combat area, I would think he could still be coming down off that- being chill may be where he is at, emotionally at this time...
He was in active duty for training purposes, not in combat. He says he is taking a break before he starts his law enforcement career in a year. But what if that's just an excuse...This may be my own problem- I never chill. I have always been a go-getter, so for me to take even a year break, I'd go crazy. I want to feel like I am spending my time productively.
You say you don't want to be 80 and single (you're in your 30s now, you have a lot of time to connect with others..........no one is perfect, but you would be happier with someone more in line with your standards - which are very reasonable)
Yet you say you don't want to get married.
Not staying with this guy doesn't mean a life of loneliness, and it doesn't mean you won't meet someone you would be happier with. I tend to think you will. But you seem to feel "being with him is better than not having a boyfriend".
Seems kind of antiquated, desperate, and sad. Maybe you need a new therapist.....one that will tell you that you don't have to have a man in your life right away.
Bitey, I don't disagree with you. In fact, if we were to look at this completely gender-blind, you are right. I wish I didn't care. But I can't deny my feelings. Shamefully, I want to be treated like a princess and spoiled, why not?. Yet, I am not willing to go out with guys just because they can pay my bills. I like a lot about this guy, but I can't stop feeling resentful about the fact that he isn't trying harder. I am pretty hard on myself, and i guess I judge people the same way. When I was married and my husband was making 2X what I was making, I was working three jobs because I felt guilty for letting him carry all the financial weight. When I go out with someone and they invited me, I always try to be modest and financially conscientious with what I order.
I guess I wish my boyfriend was the same with me. I wouldn't be as resentful if he actually spent his time working instead of napping or video gaming. Or if he refused to go to events he can't afford. I do make more than him, but I am not exactly rich, and I want to be able to save, as well.
Why I am with him? Because at the time we started dating he was better than other guys who were around me.
Is it possible to mediate this issue efficiently or should I be looking for better? (I don't even know how likely it is to find better)
Welcome to 2016, where gender roles have been torn asunder and re-assembled in maddenly random fashion that nobody can make any sense of any more.
I heard that opinion as well, although not from a therapist. I have done the single life, too - I live on my own, I've been to the theater and movies and places by myself. I've done sex by myself. Honestly - I didn't like it as much. I am happier doing all of the above with someone that I like though. I don't need a man. I want a man though, for company, sex, and to share experiences with. That's why I don't want to get re-married, and I don't want to move in with anyone. I want to be on my own but go out and do stuff with somebody I like; I think my preferences should not be judged.
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