Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Ha! There are times when I have to remind myself that no one told me that life was going to be fair. Of course, no one told how much it would suck either. LOL. Does that mean it’s all a balancing act??? LOL
When my amazing stepdad died, I knew it would take a toll on my mom. And it has.
It's rough to lose a family member, for sure.
With her mom it's tough because she's there, but not there. With Alzheimer's patients, there isn't much two way communication. Some, but very little. She mostly talks in ways that you can't really often follow what she's saying. She's in her own world with little outside input received.
The thing that is rough is she'll have flickers where she's there and she knows that's she's in a nursing home and isn't coming out. Those are the hard moments. Most of the time though she's laughing and seems to be sort of content.
It's hard, I've known her mother for almost 30 yrs now. We went to her mom's house this weekend as escrow is closing in a couple of days and we were just standing in her kitchen and I started to get a bit choked up at the finality of it all.
We had to get a lawyer for the conservatorship, to be able to sell her house as she had a small reverse mortgage on it and they were threatening to foreclose so we are getting down to the last stretch in some ways, but not completely.
I keep telling Mrs. Chow to hang on, we're almost done but it just feels things will never end. Now we have to see someone about how to deal with taxes with the home sale proceeds and how we are going to pay for her nursing home care. How long will the money last and things like that.
I feel for you, Chow. Such a hard thing to go through. My beloved Great Aunt (the only relative I ever looked up to, and one I've spoken about from time to time around the forums here) developed dementia and it is brutal to go through that. My husband's mother did as well, and his father cared for her at home as she declined over several years.
As has been mentioned, it's hard to say which is harder, a situation where someone is physically healthy more or less but in severe mental decline, or the reverse. When I went to go through my Aunt's condo before the estate sale and take things to be shipped to family, and it was just so...empty of her...I spent the first few hours just completely breaking down about it. I didn't really have the time for that, I only had 4 days to go through it all, make the decisions, pack and ship everything that needed to go to people, making many trips to UPS in my little rental car... But I just could not keep it together in those first hours. But I did rally and get the job done, and I even made time to clean the place for no other reason than knowing she always kept her home scrupulously clean, and I could not leave it in a state that would have embarrassed her...well, the version of her I remembered. The woman she was then, was past being able to understand or care.
My Grandma was the opposite way. Mentally competent to the end, but she had cancer and her beliefs dictated she fight to the last breath. My Mom shares those ethics, that it is morally wrong to give up on life...any life...until there is no choice, quality notwithstanding. Any amount of suffering being better than death. I don't share that belief, personally. My Grandma had years of surgeries, chemo, and radiation until the doctors eventually told her she could not survive any more and it would only be pointless suffering to keep trying.
All of this really reminds me, I need to get advanced directives in place for myself. And encourage my husband to do so as well. Just so that there is no doubt of what I want in various circumstances, and no one need feel guilty or question themselves for having to make those decisions on my behalf.
Thank you, mlj. Hope things are going a little better for you at this point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mlj1225
When my amazing stepdad died, I knew it would take a toll on my mom. And it has.
That's so sad. I'm really sorry to hear that.
By the way, and we've already mentioned this a few times on the forum, if we're ever in a "conversation" with someone here and it seems like we might be ignoring you, we're having problems with our ISP and often can't sign in, sometimes for days in a row. We're doing a little "cheat" here right now so I can answer you, mlj. Then I'll be signed out again. Anyway, just so you know...
On the advanced directives thing, I still need to do that, well, we both do actually.
Get that handled because the conservatorship thing is a major pain in the ass, let me tell you, also pretty pricy too as lawyers aren't cheap.
Yeah I cannot tell you how fortunate I feel that my father in law already had a trust set up with everything set to pass to his son, power of attorney and medical directives and all of it. I think after going through the loss of his wife in 2014, he knew he had to do that work so that his son did not have an uphill struggle one day.
Also I had some conversation with him yesterday during our weekly family dinner, and he is not involved with any of those long term care policies that would come for his estate, as far as he knows. He has every intention to make sure that my husband inherits his paid off house and his coin collection. Pretty much the only thing that could affect that is cost of care if he needs a lot more than we can provide for an extended period of time at some point.
And he ramped up his donations temporarily because we got his car sold and he had that money to play with, and because he's feeling politically motivated these days. Seems buying coins and donating to Democrats is his "fun money" now...hey, that's all good. I just want to know he's not leaving himself in a lurch for medical care or whatever, later on. I am reassured.
On the advanced directives thing, I still need to do that, well, we both do actually.
My BIL was in a serious accident a few years ago, and they hadn't quite updated their paperwork since they got married a few years before that. They're in their 50s, so they never thought it was that urgent. He was in a coma, and my sister had to scramble to get his account information and paperwork in order.
We are having a new employee join our team this week. My co-worker likes to drone on and on about politics, to the point of not getting the hint when I try to change the subject. I've ranted about him a few times on this forum. He happens to be a far far left type. I'm not, I'm left on some subjects and more right on others. I tend to be more center based in general.
So I'm hoping that this new person is a right winger that likes to talk politics. LOL. Give my co-worker a taste of him own medicine.
If I had my way, politics would never be discussed at work, but whatever.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Then I'll be signed out again. Anyway, just so you know...