Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My fiancée 25 who I 33 have been with for 2.5 years just told me the other night that when we took a break she slept with her ex and another friend of hers. She always told me that she never had anything for the friend but I know that’s not true, she dated the boyfriend years ago but was friends with him. I never was fond of this but she always reinforced that she was with me and broke up with him so why would she want to do anything with him. So she tells me this because it was killing her and “needed to get this off her mind” I find that BS because now I have to deal with it. She also talked about not being happy in bed and danced around the fact that people are not able to be monogamous. This was all a shock to me; I always viewed her as a person with high values. We don’t have the best sex life but we talk and try new things and things that we both enjoy, but she says this is not enough for her and “I need to do more”. This is my problem when we had the break we did not move out it was about 2 weeks and it was her who wanted the break because of her past and having issues. She told me we need a break but we would not date anyone else. So that was a year and a half ago. We are going to get married in 6 months and she tells me this all now. I have a feeling that she, form when we talked is going to want to be free to sleep with other guys, I not okay with anything like that. Now I find myself hurt form her doing this and also what may happen. I see all theses this that now I am starting to connect the dots that now look much different with this information. She has many male friends and dated mostly all of them, she also told me about other people she slept with before us that she always said she never did that she is friends with. I just have the feeling that this is not the full truth. I was going to adopt her little girl who does not have a father, but now I think that may be a big mistake. I always told her because of my past, have been cheated in before to please never do that to me. She says it was not cheating because we were on a break. I don’t, we lived together still and talked about not seeing anyone else. She also said she felt guilty about this. So I think she is just trying to say something that makes her look as good as she can. I feel very hurt and she does not seem to think it’s a big deal.
Should I leave her and restart my life?
Hey buddy, I don't know you but I'm going to pass along some thoughts as if you were my best friend. Having been recently divorced for reasons that involved related marital issues, I think I can give you a couple of things to think about that may help.
First, you need to understand you really have three issues going on: (1) sexual compatibility, (2) honesty and fidelity, and (3) your love and reasons for marrying her, and getting married.
Sexual compatibility is a big big deal when marrying someone. Right now, you both have your mind set to be exclusive and permanent sex partners. And unless you some how agree to have an open relationship, she's gotta meet your sexual needs and you have to meet her sexual needs, like today/now, and not in the sometime in the future where you plan on working it out through therapy or something. If you start off you marriage with sexual intimacy issues, I can promise it will be rocky. Problems in the bedroom do eventually manifest themselves in other forms, such as a commitment doubt and infidelity. If I were you I would just put the wedding date on hold until you have this figured out, like prolong the engagement 1-2years while you are going through couples therapy. She may not like that, and her family may not be happy about that, but putting it on hold may be the leverage you need for her to change.
Honesty and fidelity. The good news is she apparently wants to come clean before the wedding date. If you still are inclined to go through the marriage if you can work it out, the ONLY way to go is 100% honesty and transparency (passwords) in all her emails, texts, facebook, etc. In fact, I would say no more facebook and that type of social media EVER from now on. It's only a temptation and she (and you) need to cut the cord on that kind of stuff. Along with that, you both agree to tell each other about contacts and communications with "friends" of the opposite sex. May sound overly strict, but believe it our not, you guys are going to slowly move into to "marriage land", like suburbia where no single people own a house in the neighborhood. You start doing married couple stuff with other married couples, coming home when each other "because they are waiting for you", and hanging out with single friends raises relationship flags. If she (or you) can't deal with it, you guys aren't ready, or should even be thinking about getting married.
Your love and reasons for getting married. People get married for different reasons and the depths of their love for each other varies. But for the purposes of this discussion, you should know it is the glue for solving all your marital problems, today and in the future. It is the reason you will "stay married" despite any challenges you guys will face as a couple and family. So seriously think about why you're doing it and why with her. If you still want to do it because you love her, want to work it out because she is so special to you for whatever reason, and can handle the your risk of divorce (and possible hurt), it's your life.
Good luck.
By the way, have a common faith and religious beliefs can also help.
Hey buddy, I don't know you but I'm going to pass along some thoughts as if you were my best friend. Having been recently divorced for reasons that involved related marital issues, I think I can give you a couple of things to think about that may help.
First, you need to understand you really have three issues going on: (1) sexual compatibility, (2) honesty and fidelity, and (3) your love and reasons for marrying her, and getting married.
Sexual compatibility is a big big deal when marrying someone. Right now, you both have your mind set to be exclusive and permanent sex partners. And unless you some how agree to have an open relationship, she's gotta meet your sexual needs and you have to meet her sexual needs, like today/now, and not in the sometime in the future where you plan on working it out through therapy or something. If you start off you marriage with sexual intimacy issues, I can promise it will be rocky. Problems in the bedroom do eventually manifest themselves in other forms, such as a commitment doubt and infidelity. If I were you I would just put the wedding date on hold until you have this figured out, like prolong the engagement 1-2years while you are going through couples therapy. She may not like that, and her family may not be happy about that, but putting it on hold may be the leverage you need for her to change.
Honesty and fidelity. The good news is she apparently wants to come clean before the wedding date. If you still are inclined to go through the marriage if you can work it out, the ONLY way to go is 100% honesty and transparency (passwords) in all her emails, texts, facebook, etc. In fact, I would say no more facebook and that type of social media EVER from now on. It's only a temptation and she (and you) need to cut the cord on that kind of stuff. Along with that, you both agree to tell each other about contacts and communications with "friends" of the opposite sex. May sound overly strict, but believe it our not, you guys are going to slowly move into to "marriage land", like suburbia where no single people own a house in the neighborhood. You start doing married couple stuff with other married couples, coming home when each other "because they are waiting for you", and hanging out with single friends raises relationship flags. If she (or you) can't deal with it, you guys aren't ready, or should even be thinking about getting married.
Your love and reasons for getting married. People get married for different reasons and the depths of their love for each other varies. But for the purposes of this discussion, you should know it is the glue for solving all your marital problems, today and in the future. It is the reason you will "stay married" despite any challenges you guys will face as a couple and family. So seriously think about why you're doing it and why with her. If you still want to do it because you love her, want to work it out because she is so special to you for whatever reason, and can handle the your risk of divorce (and possible hurt), it's your life.
Good luck.
By the way, have a common faith and religious beliefs can also help.
That is a lot of great information, thank you for taking the time to really give me something to think about. Your post forced me to look a little deeper at all of this. I know if I was looking from the outside what I would say about this. It is just I can't seem to get my mind to work right at this time....
she's not the only cow in the pasture....plenty of good woman out there, you don't want to be listening to a wedding toast at your reception wondering how many men in the room she's "been" with.
if you are appeasing and avoiding, now,.. it's not going to be better after you get married,,
That is a lot of great information, thank you for taking the time to really give me something to think about. Your post forced me to look a little deeper at all of this. I know if I was looking from the outside what I would say about this. It is just I can't seem to get my mind to work right at this time....
Glad to help. And by the way, the age difference is a non-factor, don't focus on it. My ex wife was 20 years younger than me.
Glad to help. And by the way, the age difference is a non-factor, don't focus on it. My ex wife was 20 years younger than me.
No, thank you and everyone that was able to give me something to think about. I really knew what I should do before I posted here, I think I just wanted to know what others thought. Wish me luck over the next year, again thank you.
No, thank you and everyone that was able to give me something to think about. I really knew what I should do before I posted here, I think I just wanted to know what others thought. Wish me luck over the next year, again thank you.
Leave, if you ignore it she'll do it again and expect you to ignore it again. Unless you're into sharing, I'd move on.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
