Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have never heard this phrase before- I was talking to a friend the other day and we were talking about parents etc and I said that I had a friend and she has her kids call her every day- they are in college- 18 and 20- and I was saying I doubt mine will do that... she said she must be a helicopter mom so I looked it up and was amazed- I also heard this mom went and did her son's laundry some- not sure how often- talked to other friends and I asked if this was "normal" and she said the kids need to learn to grow up and be independent. Apparently she is a helicopter mom I am sure I will get flamed -I know it is ok to talk to your kids every day but she always needed to know where they and what they were doing all the time in HS- etc...I read an article and it said these kids need to be somwwhat independent before college- I feel like I am doing what is right- so far so good-here is what i found on internet-
Yeah, people-- particularly at schools-- complain about parents who aren't involved, who don't go to teachers' conferences or volunteer at Scouts or soccer. Then they pull out "helicopter mom" for those who do.
Yeah, people-- particularly at schools-- complain about parents who aren't involved, who don't go to teachers' conferences or volunteer at Scouts or soccer. Then they pull out "helicopter mom" for those who do.
Totally different situation that what the OP described. At 18 and 20 years old, it's time to cut the cord......this woman sounds neurotic.
I didn't read the link.
But some women will cling onto their adult children for dear life. Not a healthy situation, to put it mildly....
There are a lot of helicopter parents on this board. Parents that won't let their kids out of their sight, won't let them make any choices for themselves for fear they may be disappointed or make a mistake, parents that call the teacher or worse yet the superintendent for EVERY little thing that goes on in school. There are parents that won't let their kids deal will even small issues themselves. Parents that spend every waking minute over involved in their child's life.
These kids then get into a situation when mom or dad isn't around have have NO idea how to deal with it. We have friends that call their daughter every morning to make sure she gets up in time for her COLLEGE classes .
How about the parents here that DEMAND emails from teachers weekly asking about how their child is doing--if you look over their homework you should have a good idea.
I was just talking to a teacher friend who got a call from a mom wanting to know how her DD was doing in class. He told her she was doing just fine, was an asset to class, loved having her in class, etc. That wasn't enough for mom, she had to know EXACTLY where she was in relation to all the other kids--give me a break.
Kids NEED to learn to deal with disappointment and mistakes. If they want to wear shorts to school in the middle of the winter, let them-or at least make them go outside for a few minutes in the shorts-let THEM decide if it is a good idea or not. If they don't turn in their homework on time, THEY need to suffer the consequences not have Mommy call the teacher and whine that they didn't have time to do the homework because football practice took too long.
How about the parents that call my DH when he doesn't give their little darling a job--a job that requires a COLLEGE DEGREE and Mommy is calling to see why her snowflake didn't get the job . This is what happens when the child of a helicopter parent grows up.
Another difference is that a concerned parent will give their children the tools to succeed and be there for guidance, while the helicopter parent does everything for them.
My oldest daughter teaches 4th grade and has some helicopter parents! (work done by the parent instead of the student, daily emails/phone calls checking on student, complaints that the parent didn't get a personal phone call to explain a homework assignment-to the parent..and on and on) These kids are 9/10 and more than capable of doing their own work and understanding their homework assignment-as evidenced by the rest of the class.
My second oldest had a dorm-mate in college whose mother would come take her to lunch several times a week, then do her laundry, clean her room, grocery shop for her and drive her to and from work. The girl did very little without mom approving or assisting. Mother was a very nurturing and sweet mom, but she was literally holding her daughter back from growing up by doing it all for her.
Totally different situation that what the OP described.
She said she'd never heard the term before. I was expanding.
Quote:
Originally Posted by scarmig
There is, of course, a balance between making sure your children are getting the services you expect and coddling them away from any and all risk.
The difference between a concerned parent and a helicopter Mom is that the concerned parent will let their child fail.
IME, the difference between a concerned parent and a helicopter mom is the opinion and parenting style of the person throwing the term around. I've been called a helicopter mom because I actually insisted on attending my daughter's IEP meetings, because I homeschool, because my kids aren't allowed to date until they're sixteen. I've also been called neglectful because I let them drop out of CCD and (again) because I homeschool. It's such a nebulous term as to be meaningless, IME.
By the time you get to the mom I heard about who insisted on knowing when her middle school son had a BM, I'd say it's way past terms like helicopter mom. As for insisting your 20 yo call you daily...if she's thinking one call keeps Susie from getting into trouble, IMO she's overly optimistic.
I think children need a transition prior to going away to college. It's not like you can control every single aspect of their lives until they turn the magical age of 18 and expect them to know how to take care of themselves. If a child is a good kid, I think it's important to back off at 17 and allow them the freedom to decide where they are going and who they will hang out with. No more requiring permission for the normal activities. Just except them to let you know where they are, who they are with and when they will be home----as adults living together do.
I feel like I am doing what is right- so far so good-here is what i found on internet-
And that is what is most important...not the crap found on the internet that tells you how to parent or if you are doing this right or that right or this name with this parent blah blah blah blah blah
I have a few "friends" on FB who every week talk about the lastest parenting book & get all freaked out b/c little Johnny watched 45 minutes of tv the other day and OMG SAW COMMERICIALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!
Or the debate on red dye and how if it touches their lips they will turn into 5 legged monsters who cannot think for themselves. A few are having mild panic attacks as we speak b/c today is Halloween parties and "I don't know what he is going to be eating" and "I don't want him having juice if he is having a cupcake" or "What if he trips in his outfit & gets hurt?".....the list goes on....
Parents who cannot let go have their own set of issues that they are not dealing with;don't know how to deal with; or completely think what they are doing is healthy & normal for their enabled child.
Only having toddlers, I cannot say how I will be when they are 17-18, but I can tell you, right now, with #1 in preschool...letting him go for those 2 1/2 hours has instilled a wonderful sense of freedom, independence, excitement and joy for him. He is allowed to be HIM without mommy breathing down his back. And as the years go on, a little more rope, a little more rope...
For those who struggle with letting go, there is a wonderful book (designed for toddlers but I think it can apply to any age) called "The Kissing Hand".
And for the record, I DID NOT sign up for weekly reports via email from my son's teacher. I get a printout every Fri that says what they did, etc & she write a one sentence comment. That is it. Works great. He needs & deserves his space. I feel that if something was wrong or needed my attention, I would be told. Actually, I know I would due to conversations with her & the philosophy of the school. Other than that, I let him be him (within limits )
My mother had huge problems letting go. Even as adult children, she just couldn't let go.
She threw herself in front of the door when my 21 year old sister was moving out of the house.
She kept me from going to college in a different state. I had been offered a full scholarship!
I vowed that I would not be like that.
I have devoted myself to giving my children age appropriate independence.
It's not easy for a mother, but it's important to do.
We're the grown ups. We're need to be able to step outside of our comfort zone and do what's right for the healthy development of our children.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
.
