Helicopter parenting.....well into middle 20s? (support, parents, girls, son)
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I just wanted your opinion on how to handle this. I will be 25 years old in May and my parents (especially mom) are VERYYYYYYYYYYYYY into my business and what I can and cannot do.
I have been on my own at school and yet, they somehow still do it. For example, today my mom took it upon herself to call my therapists office and "get things right". They want to make surprise visits on campus. If I don't pick up my phone, they call all my friends wondering where I am. I have told them SO MANY TIMES to STOP. It got to the point where I tell my friends to just not pick up any phone calls from them. I take my laundry home on the weekends sometimes and my mom does it despite me insisting she doesn't! She snoops through everything. If I drive my car home, she says she is cleaning it but snoops. Says she is cleaning my room but snoops. Asks who I talk to on the phone and more. Demand I come home by 10 pm whenever I am home.
I am graduating in a couple weeks and do not want to be the 25 year old girl whose parents act like this. They come from India and are very old school. I am their first born daughter. I mean how can you call my therapists office and pretend to be me to get information? It is very hard to get them to understand I need my space.
I am concerned because I am graduating and applying for jobs. I have some interviews lined up but until then I have nowhere else to go but parents home. I dont know how I can handle this. As soon as I get the job, I am going to move out but in the meantime, I don't know what else I can do.
Why do you think some parents are so into their kids? Unable to let go and let them do things on their own? Why do you think they are helicopter parents? Do you think this is cultural?
I'm sure you realize that level of involvement in the life of an adult child is not the norm, at least in our culture. You can do your best to set boundaries, but if you have to move back home for any length of time, it will be difficult to enforce them.
Have you ever challenged her on her snooping? Asked her what it is she thinks you are hiding? Since, according to your other thread, you don't want to pursue action regarding the doctor's office giving out confidential information, I'm wondering what you are asking advice for. If it's just to find out whether or not your situation is common, no, it definitely isn't.
No it's not common. My son is away at school. When I talk to him I want to know how his schoolwork is going, what is happening with his life, how his friends are doing,etc. When he comes home I do his laundry with the rest of the family's but he puts in his hamper and I wash it. I don't snoop in his stuff. I don't have his friends phone numbers to call them.
I do think, in your case, that some of this may be cultural, especially as you're female. If your culture is the type, that in the old country, girls stayed home until they were married and mom and dad directed her life, helped pick out spouse, etc.
In this country, they're letting you go to college but some of the of the old ways die hard. And yes, this is excessive. However, this is not exclusive to parents from other countries. I have known parents raised in this country for generations who have done this to their children.----and it's always the girls. Contacting your medical provider though is over the top, beyond over the top. You really need to talk to your doctor directly about that so that it doesn't happen again. Talking to your parents likely won't help so you'll need to go to the source. If fit happened once, it will happen again unless you put a stop to it.
You've got the right idea, move out and hopefully put a good many miles between yourself and your mom. You can also take whatever steps you can to keep them out of life while at home. Make sure your PC & laptop, if any, are securely password protected. Ditto any other electronic devices. Take any diaries or other important papers you don't want them snooping in and buy a small safe or securely lockable box and keep stuff in there.
Again, try talking to your parents, but don't be surprised if you meet resistance or if they yes you to death but do whatever they want the minute your back is turned. This is one of those situations where you just have to wait out graduating and then get yourself out of there. Good luck
My mom tries to be super involved in my life and I am 38. I just limit what I tell her. Its annoying, but you have to find a way to toe that thin line between being respectful of your parents and controlling what you tell them.
So what if I am a helicopter parent. Some of my kids have passed the age of 30 and whether they like it or not- I will watch out for them. I let them make their own mistakes. BUT if I though my wisdom and experience see an imminent danger to them- I will attempt to clue them in. A parents job as protector never ends.
The best advice you will ever get is smile, nod and go about your life.
My mom did some pretty crazy stuff after I turned 18, I after while started ignoring it and doing my own thing anyways.
She'd want me home by a certain time and I didn't want to so I'd tell her my friend Melissa and I had ordered a pizza and rented some movies and that I was going to crash at her place, luckily she lived alone already so my mom couldn't talk to her parents to verify. Id leave her place and go over to my current boyfriends house, this was when I was 21.
I moved out for a bit and was a live in nanny and when I went back home I was open and honest and was so used to not sneaking around anymore that I didn't care what she thought.
She told my family so many lies.
But look what it got me, out of her house, a great supportive guy who I'm going to be getting married too and 1100 miles from her.
Just live your life and smile and nod at your parents.
But do what makes you happy even if your parents have an issue with it.
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