Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
If the daughter won't talk to the mom or dad, how about one of her sisters? I'm not suggesting that the sister try to convince her to move home or be a mediator at all. Just talk to her and find out why she is doing this and try to open the lines of communication.
This was my first thought as well. Kids tell their siblings things they would never tell their parents. Can older sis not call her up and have an open, non judgemental discussion about what on earth she is thinking?
You know, one thing I might add here... I was an only child and I really hated it. I had kids so I would never have to be alone, and I could have the family i did not have. I have always looked far down the road and made decisions for us that we always long term, because I always wanted my family be close and together and united. SO this most certainly caught me off guard.
This could have one of two results. She could find your neediness too emotionally heavy to live with OR she could have lost respect for you because you act grateful for her presence and undeserving of her love. In case of the first, it's a heavy burden to feel obligated to perform for someone else's sense of emotional safety. She can't express her needs or just relax if you are watching for any sign of rejection and abandonment. In the case of the second, you've set up a relationship where you bend over backward for her whims and she does not learn to respect your feelings and your bond. She only thinks of her own. You may have unwittingly given her the impression that the world will cater to her as a little darling just as you have. I say that because all of the things you did for her boyfriend were things his extended family should have done. He should have stayed with his male friends when fighting with his dad. A bad precedent was set. Had I lived with my boyfriend at 18 trust and believe I wouldn't want to go back for anything in the world. Afterschool make-out session and whatever else? Gimme more of that!!!
I gotta agree that it is unfair to have kids to avoid loneliness. They come into life with a full-time job that you should have attended to. You should be spending time with friends hubby and hobbies to address your loneliness. She was mighty close to the age most kids leave so try to consider this would have happened anyway. Whether she comes back or not you need to start the transition to filling your needs for yourself. Good luck!
I guarantee when you and your guy get used to having (ahem) alone time you'll wonder what you were worried about!
3 days ago my daughter got up and left our home, 18 and all i ever here is nothing i can do. Its like when my father died, I am dying inside, falling apart. She has said she was leaving when she was 18 but I really thought it was just the teenager anger. She and my husband argued all the time...he would go to the child like level and go back and forth all the time. I would stand on the side line and just hurt inside...sometimes over the dumbest things too. I want her to come home so bad but it seems I have taken the back seat to her boyfriend and friends that really she has only known for a very short time. This is her senior year and all I ever wanted was for her to graduate and by the looks of it she wont. She says she is going to just not at the school that she has been going to. She want to go to the school 45 min. away, at school I know nothing about. I still get text from her but she says, I am not coming home. Breaks my heart every day. I just dont know what to do, everyone says she is an adult now but I dont see it, you cant drink until you are 21 but you can quit school and be considered an adult at 18!! what is wrong with this whole picture. She has no job, no money, no license, leaves school, and who will pay for her birth control, her hair cuts, her every girlie need???? gosh, i just dont understand.... i just cant stop crying, its killing me.
Would you feel better if she could drink at 18? I understand your grief but bringing that up didn't make sense.
Who is going to buy her stuff? She is! She has to make it in the world just like everyone else. She might get away from home and realize oh crap, I cant do this, then return home. Is that good or bad? No one knows.
She might on the other hand find something in herself and stand on her own 2 feet. We all make mistakes growing up, this is her chance to find out what life is all about.
Chances are good that she will come back. Use this time to pray and think good thoughts for her. Keep the communication flowing between you two. Forgive her when she does come back but be sure to let her know you don't respect some of her choices. You will love her through this.
I went through the same thing with my daughter.
Then she got pregnant from the moron who was also a minor and had no job.
Then I fell in love with the grandson who is now two years old.
Then she moved in and out and in and out and in..........
she is currently IN.
I keep a spare bedroom fixed up for her and the baby when they are with me.
It is all I can do.
And you know what....no matter what you do...at the end of the day just be there when she needs you because that is what mom's do. And when being a mom isn't enough, and sometimes it isn't, then it is what grandma's do.
Good luck to you. Don't let it keep you awake at night. Just move on and try to find joy in your own life. I promise you'll live through it....even if you think you won't.
3 days ago my daughter got up and left our home, 18 and all i ever here is nothing i can do. Its like when my father died, I am dying inside, falling apart. She has said she was leaving when she was 18 but I really thought it was just the teenager anger. She and my husband argued all the time...he would go to the child like level and go back and forth all the time. I would stand on the side line and just hurt inside...sometimes over the dumbest things too. I want her to come home so bad but it seems I have taken the back seat to her boyfriend and friends that really she has only known for a very short time. This is her senior year and all I ever wanted was for her to graduate and by the looks of it she wont. She says she is going to just not at the school that she has been going to. She want to go to the school 45 min. away, at school I know nothing about. I still get text from her but she says, I am not coming home. Breaks my heart every day. I just dont know what to do, everyone says she is an adult now but I dont see it, you cant drink until you are 21 but you can quit school and be considered an adult at 18!! what is wrong with this whole picture. She has no job, no money, no license, leaves school, and who will pay for her birth control, her hair cuts, her every girlie need???? gosh, i just dont understand.... i just cant stop crying, its killing me.
I sure hope you have time to read this entire thread, you may find hope, comfort and somewhere to let it out.
3 days ago my daughter got up and left our home, 18 and all i ever here is nothing i can do. Its like when my father died, I am dying inside, falling apart. She has said she was leaving when she was 18 but I really thought it was just the teenager anger. She and my husband argued all the time...he would go to the child like level and go back and forth all the time. I would stand on the side line and just hurt inside...sometimes over the dumbest things too. I want her to come home so bad but it seems I have taken the back seat to her boyfriend and friends that really she has only known for a very short time. This is her senior year and all I ever wanted was for her to graduate and by the looks of it she wont. She says she is going to just not at the school that she has been going to. She want to go to the school 45 min. away, at school I know nothing about. I still get text from her but she says, I am not coming home. Breaks my heart every day. I just dont know what to do, everyone says she is an adult now but I dont see it, you cant drink until you are 21 but you can quit school and be considered an adult at 18!! what is wrong with this whole picture. She has no job, no money, no license, leaves school, and who will pay for her birth control, her hair cuts, her every girlie need???? gosh, i just dont understand.... i just cant stop crying, its killing me.
You can only change what you can change - so you have to move on. Find things you want to do, you have to let go.
Travel, do the things you couldn't do before. Find projects that interest you. If she wants to be independent, then you can be independent too -- all that money you no longer have to spend on her - spend it on yourself for a change.
I swear, I will never understand this dynamic. And it may seem insensitive, may seem sexist, but it's ALWAYS the mothers. ALWAYS the mothers. And then we hear the story about how they feel hurt.
I left home right after I graduated - school IMO has nothing to do with it. It has to do with the relationship with your parents and I speak from experience on the subject. If you're in a family where the dad just nags or is unreasonable or even hateful in the way he parents, and the mom is complicit and does nothing to intervene, it creates a rift. Then the mother gets surprised when the kid wants to leave - what do you expect? The dad is being overbearing, and you're doing nothing about it.
My father essentially told me that I had a choice when I turned 18. Go to college, and live on the street (because he wasn't going to allow me to live there), or get a job and be allowed to stay rent free. My mother, who told me from the age of 13 that she supported me going to college, backed down when he said that. I'll never forget it - right in the living room, she stood there staring at him when he said those words. I left shortly thereafter and haven't been back. It was rough, but I've survived on my own quite well. But I left because she was complicit. She always tells me about how hurt she was that I left so early, and I swear to this day I never understand that. If you really are hurt why didn't you do something to stop what happened, and even more so, why are you putting it on me instead of yourself?
You need to understand that how you work with your kids will define what they do once the magic age hits. If all you do is push them away, don't be surprised when they leave. I know that sounds insensitive, but again, I've been there...I know how it feels, and it's not a good feeling for the kid. As also has been stated, they're 18, capable of making their own decisions now.
I left when I was in my senior year of h.s. It was in the fall, the day after my 18 birthday. If you saw my crazy family you would have left too. LOL. There was a lot of dysfunction in my home. My circumstances were different in that I was living with a single mom who wanted her freedom.I gave it to her and lived in an apartment until school ended. She moved in with her new beau. We aren't close to this day. I have no relationship with her. We both have moved on to have happy lives.
When I had challenges with my own daughter I was so careful to not make the same mistakes as my mom had with me. When she was 17 she went through a difficult time and rebelled. I let her live with a friend for a month but I called her and loved her through her insanity. She thought her friend had "it all" and wanted to be a part of her family. Soon she began to see that her friends family wasn't perfect and all families have good and bad times. During that time I upset but I tried to be strong. I had been a stay at home mom and I felt it was a part of her growing independence which is very normal for moms/daughters. I felt I did the best I could do as a mom...so did her dad. Today she's a sophmore in college and she calls me everyday. I get a lot of "i love yous". We are very close today.
Thankfully, history was not repeated.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
omg, me too
