My 18 year old daughter left home with no warning and moves with her boyfriends family! (ideas, legally)

[pll]

Originally Posted by maciesmom

You might take this time to revisit the parable of the Prodigal Son.

I was thinking the same thing.

Patience and prayer will go along way at this point. You can't rescue her until she want's to be helped.

I was wondering if it would help if her dad talked to her boyfriend? Or would it create more problems?

[FinsterRufus]

Originally Posted by sc0628

I know that it is a lie, because every time she is asked to call home or she doesn't. She has been lying to everyone and telling them what they want to hear and then doing what she wants. She is sleeping and living with a guy who is selling drugs and I hardly think that is getting your life together. She is still skipping school b/c I get alerts. Her friends are saying that she is showing up high to school and there is proof of it on her phone text messages. This is not something that you do when you get your life together. I found out she had planned on leaving long before the argument. She was just looking for a reason. This guy has been trying to get her to leave for a while. He has is offering up all sorts of opportunities for her to do things sexually like three ways and she is going through with it. Do you think that is getting your life together? I certainly don't. This dude is bad news and needs to be locked away. My daughter needs to get off pot and get head straight and possibly rehab if she can't pull it together on her own. This whole family needs counseling and to get our butts into church together. She needs Jesus.

Okay, I'm going to be blunt.

You need to back off. She's 18. It sounds to me like you're smothering her and she's rebelling against it. You're listening to a bunch of gossip and taking as Gospel. She's smoking pot, it's not ideal, but it's not the worst thing in the world either.

It's now her life to get together. Plenty of 18 year olds have smoked pot and had sex and still gone on to live productive lives.

At this rate, you run the risk of ruining your future with her entirely. It does not do any of you any good for you to be in a constantly offended and indignant state. I understand it's difficult to discover she doesn't share your values but you're not exactly making them look attractive at this moment.

And rehab is a serious commitment for serious substance abusers. It's not a place to dump wayward offspring.

Seriously, I believe sincerely that you're only pushing her further into this perceived hole, and she might actually go down a more scary path just to spite you.

Back off and let her figure it out. You'll find all the good things you taught her will come back to her in due time. You need to have a little faith, before you get yourself a self fulfilling prophecy.

[DewDropInn]

FinsterRufus is absolutely correct.

She may need Jesus, but her Come To Jesus moment may come at a time when she needs YOU.... will you be there?

[beachmel]

^^^...what Fin and Dew said.

Been there, done that. You are not going to change what she's doing. You're not! What you are doing, is allowing her actions to tear you and your family to pieces. You're worried about her and that's natural. You love her! You're terrified of what could happen to her, the regrets she could have later, the hardships she's going to suffer, due to her actions, etc. Those are all very natural and normal reactions.

However....... you need to let her go. You need to let her learn from her mistakes and continue to love her unconditionally. You don't have to agree with her lifestyle or her choices, but if you continue to allow people to feed you with gossip and consume your every moment, with what she is or "might" be doing, you are only hurting yourself and those closest to you. It sounds like the guy she's with is a major jerk and a bad influence on her. Hopefully, she'll realize that soon, all on her own. The thing is, if you put too strong a wall between you and this man, she'll stay with him, because she won't have anywhere else to go.

Your total unacceptance of her, will stop her from getting out of a bad place. What you might try doing, the next time she comes to you, is let her know that you're worried about her and you feel that the guy she's with is BAD news...but you want her to know that if she ever needs an escape, your door is open for her....and your arms are there to hold her while she cries. Good luck. It is a tough, tough situation.

[Marlow]

First, you need to stop worrying about her sexuality. She's 18 and what she does and with whom is simply not your business. As uncomfortable as it makes you to think about it, check it off your list of worries.

Second, as other posters have said, you need to step back and stop smothering her. And whatever you do, don't criticize her. If you do get a chance to talk to her, just tell her that you love her and you're there for her. That's it. No "how could you's?" or "you made me feel like trash" or "you're @#$%^ing up your life" or "I don't want you to make the same mistakes I made." If she does talk to you, LISTEN to what she's saying and take it to heart. She's taken some fairly drastic measures to get away from you--try to understand why she feels so strongly about whatever it is you're doing. It is most likely time to shift your mode of parenting from dealing with a strong-willed teen to mentoring a young adult.

Third, I think it's odd that in a matter of 2 weeks or so you've decided to up and leave town. Why the hurry? If I were in your shoes I think I'd be doing my best to look like a rock of stability and not like someone who was ready to run away the minute the neighbors were giving me a smelly face. In any case, you're increasing the drama of the whole situation. Think about how your daughter will feel when she hears you're leaving town. Abandoned. That's how she's gonna feel.

My heart goes out to you, but you cannot change your daughter's behavior at this point. All you can do is try to understand it and see if you can find a way to get along with your independent minded, young adult daughter.

[Mt-7]

Well I have recently gotten a couple of reps from post I made a couple of years ago so I decided to reread the entire thread. Wow, I was in a bad place but all the information and the outcome continues to be as it was. The one and I talk but she continues to be in the same place, works, quit college after her AS. I think she is the main bread winner but it is as it is. And yes still living in his mother's home.
And yes I did get on with mine. Someone was asking about moving and we did stay in the area for two years before we moved. Part of the getting on with life.
And yes it is still much like a death, the death of all dreams I might have had, made me question my very soul.
To the OP and others in this position all I can say is one day at a time.

[beachmel]

Originally Posted by Mt-7

Well I have recently gotten a couple of reps from post I made a couple of years ago so I decided to reread the entire thread. Wow, I was in a bad place but all the information and the outcome continues to be as it was. The one and I talk but she continues to be in the same place, works, quit college after her AS. I think she is the main bread winner but it is as it is. And yes still living in his mother's home.
And yes I did get on with mine. Someone was asking about moving and we did stay in the area for two years before we moved. Part of the getting on with life.
And yes it is still much like a death, the death of all dreams I might have had, made me question my very soul.
To the OP and others in this position all I can say is one day at a time.

That's the funny thing about being a parent, isn't it? WE have dreams of how things are going to turn out for our children. WE know the things we don't want them to get in to. WE know the things we want them TO do with their lives. Unfortunately, their lives are their own. If I sat down and talked to my mother, asked her if my life turned out anything like she "planned", I believe with all of my heart that she would say, "No, not at all! This is not what I wanted for you." (Of course, this would only apply if she was telling the truth!

She's proud of me. I know she is. The thing of it is, when we're raising kids, we envision them skipping all of the bad and negative things that they might go through, before arriving where they're "supposed to be". We just have to remember, that all of the icky stuff in between, is what makes us the well rounded adults whom we become.

As parents, the hardest thing to do is step back and let our kids make poor choices and make mistakes...sometimes really big ones. There IS no choice though...they have their own lives to live, just as we had ours.

[sc0628]

She called me!!!! Unfortunately, it was from her friends phone. I guess she does not want me to have her new number the boy supplied. I told her I loved her and that we wanted to be at her graduation. She said she didn't call me b/c she didn't think I wanted to talk to her. I told her I loved her and that I was here if she needed me. She asked to come get some clothes and her birth certificate as long as her dad was not here. She can't seem to face him. That has really hurt him, but what can you do. I asked her if she wanted to come home and she said no. She said she has to do this. I said if you wanted to get away from us fine, but I just wished you would have done it by going off to college and not with this guy. I told her that she was way to good for him, but I understood. She told me that she wasn't plannong on living with him forever. Then my stupid phone died and I realized when I called back that it was a friends phone and not hers. As far as moving we were planning on doing that anyway. We were only renting and we were only here for her. Now that she is on her own, we do not see any reason to stay. We hate this place. So, I guess we all get a fresh start.

[FinsterRufus]

Originally Posted by sc0628

She called me!!!! Unfortunately, it was from her friends phone. I guess she does not want me to have her new number the boy supplied. I told her I loved her and that we wanted to be at her graduation. She said she didn't call me b/c she didn't think I wanted to talk to her. I told her I loved her and that I was here if she needed me. She asked to come get some clothes and her birth certificate as long as her dad was not here. She can't seem to face him. That has really hurt him, but what can you do. I asked her if she wanted to come home and she said no. She said she has to do this. I said if you wanted to get away from us fine, but I just wished you would have done it by going off to college and not with this guy. I told her that she was way to good for him, but I understood. Then my stupid phone died and I realized when I called back that it was a friends phone and not hers. As far as moving we were planning on doing that anyway. We were only renting and we were only here for her. Now that she is on her own, we do not see any reason to stay. We hate this place. So, I guess we all get a fresh start.

Good job, mom. All the best to you, I hope you all resolve this and it's just a bit of a blip along a great road.

[sc0628]

FinsterrRufus, but I just got word from her director that she lied about coming home at 5th period to get clothes and she was never here. She never returned to school either. I was gone and no arrangements were made. Sigh.. more lies. Will she ever learn?