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Hi Everyone I am new to this forum. I have a son he is 9. He is disrespectful, abusive to me, his 2 younger brothers, he lies so severly to get other people in trouble, he steals, leaves nasty messages on my machine, uses his cell phone to call his dad to get him out of punishments. He is so out of control i do not know what to do. I have been seeing a behaviorlist for a year now and it is not helping. Most times my son now refuses to see me. My ex husband underminds me and over rides me. No One will get involved because he is not being abused. The behaviorlist said to let him stay with his dad for 2 weeks recently. She said i may have to face that he might not ever change. I just can't accept this. My ex defends and denies all his behaviors. Why can't he see what he is doing is wrong? I am mentally exhausted.
Hi Everyone I am new to this forum. I have a son he is 9. He is disrespectful, abusive to me, his 2 younger brothers, he lies so severly to get other people in trouble, he steals, leaves nasty messages on my machine, uses his cell phone to call his dad to get him out of punishments. He is so out of control i do not know what to do. I have been seeing a behaviorlist for a year now and it is not helping. Most times my son now refuses to see me. My ex husband underminds me and over rides me. No One will get involved because he is not being abused. The behaviorlist said to let him stay with his dad for 2 weeks recently. She said i may have to face that he might not ever change. I just can't accept this. My ex defends and denies all his behaviors. Why can't he see what he is doing is wrong? I am mentally exhausted.
I just banned Disney in my house..... because my DD was being a total Diva and obnoxious-rude and disrespectful.... gotogether. I swear it was what she was picking up on DISNEY. Sweet Life, Raven, Hannah.... I don't think they are the greatest shows on the face of the Earth.... they are rude to adults and their peers. The things that come out of these kids mouths So, I ditched cable and am waiting to see what happens. Have to say- I have seen a HUGE difference since I pulled the chord already
This isn't a Disney problem or a TV problem, it is a parenting problem. I certainly don't mean to say that you are a bad parent, but your son's behavior is the result of the parenting dynamics that he is exposed to. Kids will take advantage of a situation if it benefits them. He has figured out that the relationship between you and his Dad is dysfunctional and weak and he can use that to get his own way. As sad as it seems, unless you and Dad can work together at setting limits and behavioral expectations, you probably won't make a lot of progress.
Some of the usual advice for situations this out of control are to take everything (and I mean everything!) away. Leave him with a bed, a lamp and enough basic clothes to get through the week. Then set clear guidelines (in writing) about how he can earn back his stuff like his cell phone, books, games... Impose a strict bedtime, mealtime schedule and hunker down for initial resistance. The problem with this method though, is if his father won't support it and your boy can make a call to Dad to get it all reversed. This is hard...
In the meantime, take care of yourself. Get some individual counseling, talk to good friends, go to church if that helps and keep reaching out for help.
at age 9 you have uphill battle. These behaviors have been allowed, encouraged, or possibly even rewarded through his entire life.
Here's the key to fixing the problem: He does these behaviors because they work. They get attention, they cause trouble, they disrupt life. That's what he wants.
So don't let it. Take away the reward for the behavior (negative consequences *are* a reward). He lies, you shrug and pretend it is the truth, but act on the real truth. If you can't get the real truth, just let it go. He abuses you to see the reaction, to make you jump and see how high. Stop reacting as much as possible (always defend yourself from physical attack of course). Delete messages without responding to them.
Make punishments for behavior permanent. If he abuses his cell phone, he loses it until he buy his own and pay for the plan. You cancel the plan, take the phone and sell it.
If TV is a problem, cancel it. The whole thing. If the internet is a problem, cancel it. When he sees that everything he abuses will be taken away, *and* that his behavior no longer generates such a wonderful reaction, he will have good incentive to change his ways.
To put in forum terms, you are living with a troll. Do not feed the trolls.
Hi Everyone I am new to this forum. I have a son he is 9. He is disrespectful, abusive to me, his 2 younger brothers, he lies so severly to get other people in trouble, he steals, leaves nasty messages on my machine, uses his cell phone to call his dad to get him out of punishments. He is so out of control i do not know what to do. I have been seeing a behaviorlist for a year now and it is not helping. Most times my son now refuses to see me. My ex husband underminds me and over rides me. No One will get involved because he is not being abused. The behaviorlist said to let him stay with his dad for 2 weeks recently. She said i may have to face that he might not ever change. I just can't accept this. My ex defends and denies all his behaviors. Why can't he see what he is doing is wrong? I am mentally exhausted.
Sometimes kids will act badly when their parents have divorced. My son was 11 when I divorced his Dad and it took constant overseeing to get him through the pain of it all. Not all kids take it the same. Mine was devastated. Even though we had a miserable life with his father, he was so sad he wouldn't eat and was failing all his subjects in school. I use to take him for walks at the park and we would sit and talk very honestly about what had happened and I did apologize to him for uprooting him from his home, friends and life in general. We had lived in Maine for 11 years of his life and that is all he knew. It hurt me just as bad as it did him to see him like he was so I spent a huge amount of time with him.
I don't know if I would be able to accept the behavorists conclusion that you may have to accept the fact that your son won't get better. I just don't believe that at all. First and foremost is to get your ex on the same page as you with all this. I was lucky...my ex just didn't give a rat's arse what was going on and until I could get my son uprighted, it was better he was not around. Change behavorists or take him for family counseling but don't give up. Beyond anything else, make extra sure that your ex is not filling his head with stuff...nothing is impossible.
I feel for you. Know this....my son grew up just fine and is now married, nice home, great job and life for him was good. I had to leave my own personal life to one side for a while but it was worth it. Your son too will grow up ok...just need to iron out the wrinkles that your divorce has caused. Kids just don't understand and they are hurt no matter who is to blame or what the reason so hang in there....find some new help for him and in the meantime don't let this fold you inside out..it will be ok.
Don't believe the behavorist. A nine year old can change, but it is going to take serious work from you. Tell him if he is being punished and he calls his dad, his cell phone will be taken--then take the phone if he uses it. If you have a relationship with your ex where you can meet with him and get on the same page, that would be advisable. If you can't, meet with your son, tell him the new rules and consequences, and then enforce him. He is treating you this way because you let him.
Hi Everyone I am new to this forum. I have a son he is 9. He is disrespectful, abusive to me, his 2 younger brothers, he lies so severly to get other people in trouble, he steals, leaves nasty messages on my machine, uses his cell phone to call his dad to get him out of punishments. He is so out of control i do not know what to do. I have been seeing a behaviorlist for a year now and it is not helping. Most times my son now refuses to see me. My ex husband underminds me and over rides me. No One will get involved because he is not being abused. The behaviorlist said to let him stay with his dad for 2 weeks recently. She said i may have to face that he might not ever change. I just can't accept this. My ex defends and denies all his behaviors. Why can't he see what he is doing is wrong? I am mentally exhausted.
The problem did not start overnight. I suspect that when he was young he was "controlled" instead of being taught to control himself.
I suspect that he has always been able to play his parents against one another. That needs to stop. I suggest that you set up a meeting with all the adults who are responsible for parenting him (not sure if there are step parents). If possible have this meeting with a behaviorist (get a new one this one has given up on your child) and come up with a plan for all of you to work together. Without that nothing you do will help.
I would suggest that you set up a system of carrots and sticks. Take away everything he likes (tv, computer, video game CELL PHONE, etc.) Have chart with + and -. Everytime he does something appropriate he gets a + everytime he does something wrong he gets a -. NO WARNINGS. He knows what he is supposed to do. Every time he gets a certain number of + (net of minuses) he can earn some time on the things he likes (you can still monitor conent).
You need to stop fighting and let things take their course. The constant fighting gives him power. He has the power to play you and your ex against one another. You need to remove that power.
I think you and your ex need to go to the behaviorist TOGETHER. I also said above that I think this behaviorist has given up on your child. You should find someone else.
A 9 year old doesn't NEED a cell phone, but many people have things they don't need. It's not a sin to have stuff. I think in this case the child is using the phone as a weapon against both of his parents and the parents should take the phone away IN THIS CASE. But most people do not limit their lives to strictly what they need.
Kids will take advantage of a situation if it benefits them. He has figured out that the relationship between you and his Dad is dysfunctional and weak and he can use that to get his own way. As sad as it seems, unless you and Dad can work together at setting limits and behavioral expectations, you probably won't make a lot of progress.
Bingo! He's learned what he can get away with and with whom. And like a lot of other PP said, unless you can the father get on board, you're going to have a really tough time. Still, it's worth it to try.
I'd also get you and him into a therapist. His behavioral attitude may be a lot of pent up anger, hurt and frustration over the divorce. How long ago was it? Getting him and you into seeing someone to help you out is at least an outlet for him to vent safelly, maybe give you some insight as to why he is doing what he's doing, and maybe allow you both to figure out a better way of life.
In the meantime, I agree on taking away all of his piriveliges. Make him earn them back with good behavior. Don't do it in anger though. Do it beforehand, with a calm mind and head, and explain why. If you do it in anger it just makes him think you're lashing out in anger instead of having a solid reason. And if he thinks that you're lashing out, it wont do a lick of good.
Try talking to his father and see what his rules and boundaries are. See if you can get on the same page together if thats possible.
It's pure hell being bounced from one house to another as a child with conflicting rules. I've been that child, and while I didnt lash out like your son does, it's very hard to switch from one rule mentality to another, as well as dealing with 2 fighting parents you love and you're stuck in the middle. So when you do dole out consequences, try and remember to temper it wity sympathy and understanding. Youre the parent. Act like it
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So, I ditched cable and am waiting to see what happens. Have to say- I have seen a HUGE difference since I pulled the chord already
