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Another child of "crash & burn" & I am eternally grateful for the lessons my parents taught me when I was a very naive & very self-centered 20-something yr old.
I learned REALLY quick b/w want & need.
And for the things I needed, I figured out how to get them paid for.
Rent? He'll have to find another roomate or generate the income some other way.
This is a doable situation. I am sure if your son was in a serious life periling situation you would help without thought.
But, he's gotta learn you are not his ATM when things go wrong.
I have a family member who has mooched off parents her whole lifetime. Now, the new husband, baby on the way & herself live with the parents who are paying for all their bills.
Agreed with all the crash-n-burners. What you CAN do is offer him advice on how to create a budget. Sit down with him, go over his finances, and help him see where he can save. Then pat him on the head and tell him to get rent from his roomie, or else kick that moocher to the curb.
I agree. If you bail him out, next time he needs (wants) help, he will be right back on your doorstep. He has no wife and children, so now's the time to let him figure out how to take care of himself. If he chooses to support his no good friends, he will soon find out HE CAN'T DO IT. Why should you?
So he gets evicted. What's the worst that could happen? He'd find another apartment, or go take up space at one of those friend's houses that took advantage of him. Then he'd figure out a way to make things work.
Even if he gets mad or whatever, the pride he will feel when he realizes that he can do it by himself will outshine everything else (remember when he was little and learned how to walk by himself?).
I suggest a compromise to the no's. Since his paying roomate left, I'd offer to help out one month to give him time to find another paying roomate or find a cheaper studio apartment he can afford. I'd call it a loan and expect that it be paid back, but don't count on it.
I suggest a compromise to the no's. Since his paying roomate left, I'd offer to help out one month to give him time to find another paying roomate or find a cheaper studio apartment he can afford. I'd call it a loan and expect that it be paid back, but don't count on it.
Maybe I'm a softie, but I like the compromise idea. On general principles, my position is usually that I don't see anything wrong with parents helping their adult children (providing they can afford to do so) if the adult children are working and being reasonably financially responsible. This case is kinda borderline IMO. I like the idea of also issuing a "warning" about "no future bailouts" if you feel that his behavior continues to be irresponsible.
It would be hard to say no...
I would most likely make sure that he had food. Maybe send him a gift card for the grocery store so that you know he has food.
Then I would start sending him roomate ads, second job ads.. ect.
I really appreciate everyone's input on this. As I mentioned, he and I live in seperate states so it's not like I can just sit down with him and show him how his budgeting should be done. (Oh, do I wish I were closer so that I could help him more in ways that *really* matter!)
No, he is not in school. School would just not be for him, if you know what I mean. Just getting him thru high school took a major act of God! He is working a full time job in a very (and I do mean VERY) one-horse town! He really wants to make it on his own, which I admire him for. He is a late bloomer. He functions on the side of naive and I think he is so afraid of losing his friends, that he does let them treat him like a doormat. I have told him many times that he is welcome to pack up and move in with me for a while and just turn over a new leaf. He has also had this offer from his biological Dad who only lives about an hour away. So far, he won't consider it. I've offered to help him on the rent because it is HIS name on the lease if something goes wrong, and his car insurance, because I still want him to be able to drive back and forth to his job. As for his electricity, I've said perhaps that will have to be disconnected until he is a)able to get a paying roomate to help, or b) save enough to pay it later.
I've seen him live in some pretty deplorable conditions in the past with/at another friends apt. (Meaning I was afraid of the place being condemned by a health dept! No, I'm not kidding.) When I showed up unannounced at this place to visit him he and roomies were caught completely off guard and I saw the true tale! (The other two boys who lived there never cleaned - there was vomit in their bathtub - backed-up toilet - need I go on???) Josh was the only one who ever cleaned, and he did so because the friend was letting him slide on the rent. I later told my son that he needed to do SOMETHING to get out of that situation....and re-extended my invitation to move in with my husband and me. He didn't want to leave his town / his friends / his job, etc.
At this point I'm just an exasperated mom! Hey, I like my friends too, but I've moved a LOT in order for my husband to take better jobs. I keep my friends thru email and cell phone....but I just can't seem to convince my son that sometimes it's just time to quit, learn from it, and move on. <SIGH>
Its hard saying no, I've had a very similar situation. My son, now 24 had an apt. with his girlfriend, they broke up and he could not afford the rent he called and begged me for money. I caved and paid half the rent for one month and said no more. Then a week or so later he called and said he had no food so I brought him some groceries. Two months later he said the rent was covered but he needed more help with groceries, I bought about $125 worth each time, alot of cheap stuff so it would last a few weeks. I told him this was the last time and that he needed to find a roommate. I brought over the food a few days later to find out he a had another guy staying with him for free and he had been there for a while eating my free groceries. That really made me mad, I said no more, I am not taking care of other people too. I found out he had not been paying his rent, someone told him he could get by without paying rent for a couple months before he was evicted. He was eventually evicted, after that I stopped helping him.
I really appreciate everyone's input on this. As I mentioned, he and I live in seperate states so it's not like I can just sit down with him and show him how his budgeting should be done. (Oh, do I wish I were closer so that I could help him more in ways that *really* matter!)
No, he is not in school. School would just not be for him, if you know what I mean. Just getting him thru high school took a major act of God! He is working a full time job in a very (and I do mean VERY) one-horse town! He really wants to make it on his own, which I admire him for. He is a late bloomer. He functions on the side of naive and I think he is so afraid of losing his friends, that he does let them treat him like a doormat. I have told him many times that he is welcome to pack up and move in with me for a while and just turn over a new leaf. He has also had this offer from his biological Dad who only lives about an hour away. So far, he won't consider it. I've offered to help him on the rent because it is HIS name on the lease if something goes wrong, and his car insurance, because I still want him to be able to drive back and forth to his job. As for his electricity, I've said perhaps that will have to be disconnected until he is a)able to get a paying roomate to help, or b) save enough to pay it later.
I've seen him live in some pretty deplorable conditions in the past with/at another friends apt. (Meaning I was afraid of the place being condemned by a health dept! No, I'm not kidding.) When I showed up unannounced at this place to visit him he and roomies were caught completely off guard and I saw the true tale! (The other two boys who lived there never cleaned - there was vomit in their bathtub - backed-up toilet - need I go on???) Josh was the only one who ever cleaned, and he did so because the friend was letting him slide on the rent. I later told my son that he needed to do SOMETHING to get out of that situation....and re-extended my invitation to move in with my husband and me. He didn't want to leave his town / his friends / his job, etc.
At this point I'm just an exasperated mom! Hey, I like my friends too, but I've moved a LOT in order for my husband to take better jobs. I keep my friends thru email and cell phone....but I just can't seem to convince my son that sometimes it's just time to quit, learn from it, and move on. <SIGH>
You've done enough.
It has to be so wearing to be able to rationalize his behavior b/c you know he has the best heart yet just can't seem to get it together.
Well, it's not for you to get it together for him.
Sometimes, they have to be allowed to fall in order to have the courage to stand up.
He "doesn't want to" line...yeah, ok, whatever. Lots of things in life we don't "want" to do but we do them.
It's not your job to convince him. That's just another word for enabling.
Let him go. If he is in serious danger, you will now.
If he doesn't want to live in deplorable conditions, HE WILL figure out how to survive.
You need to get on with your life. You will always love your son but it's not for you to fix his life for him. He's not a little boy anymore & he needs to stop putting this on you. I have a feeling he knows that he can get the $$ from you.
Another vote for no! But I would also try to help him chart out a plan for budgeting and money management.
As for the other things, I would ask him pointed questions like 'have you thought about a vet for your new pet? budgeted expenses for kitten?' Don't tell him what to do. Allow him to make his own conclusions, but as a parent, point him in the right direction.
I remember, growing up, my parents used to do this sort of thing a lot but not enough, as i realize it today. Good luck.
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, but I like the compromise idea.
On general principles, my position is usually that I don't see anything wrong with parents helping their adult children (providing they can afford to do so) if the adult children are working and being reasonably financially responsible. This case is kinda borderline IMO. I like the idea of also issuing a "warning" about "no future bailouts" if you feel that his behavior continues to be irresponsible.
