Parents helping adult children (babysitting, ideas, baby, support)
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As someone in their 40's, I am still amazed at the number of people who accept "handouts" from their parents at this age.
I was talking last night with a family member (a cousin) who said that her mom was taking her shopping for new clothes because she needed some new things for work and in addition, she was also taking her daughter (grandaughter) for some back to school shopping.
Her parents have also just purchased a new stove for them because they were complaining that the one they had was outdated and needed to be replaced.
This particular cousin seems to always be given handouts and takes them very willingly. I find it a little strange that in her 40's while her parents are living on a fixed income,that she willingly accepts these gifts.
My parents are also living on a fixed income now and certainly do alot for myself and my other siblings,but I would never allow my mother to take me shopping for new clothes or my child(ren) for back to school clothes.
Purchasing a new appliance seems a bit excessive also in my eyes to allow your parents who live on a limited amount of money ,to do for you.
I think it is wonderful that my aunt & uncle want to do these things for their children (they do the same for my other cousins-their other children),but I just can't believe they accept all of these gifts so freely.
If we were talking about someone in their 20's,just starting out after college and needing a little assistance with some things,I would understand this. These are established people in their 40's though that don't need to be given these handouts and certainly can say "thanks mom and dad,but we can take care of it ourselves".
The worst part is that the stove that was purchased apparently is still not good enough for them and they are complaining that they would have preferred a gas one vs.an electric ceramic top which was what has been given to them.
Seems a little ungrateful to me.
In any case, my cousins are not the only people I see this going on with. We know many people who seem to expect things from their parents,whether it be babysitting all of the time or purchasing things for their children. We have friends who wanted their son to have one of those electric toy jeeps (a John Deere one) and were going to buy it for him for his 4th bday ,but then they decided that would be a good gift from the grandparents so they asked (his) parents to buy it as their gift to their grandson.
I just would never ask my parents to purchase a $300 gift for my child,ever.
My mom and dad are extremely giving people and yes,they have bought my children and my siblings children a special shirt or something for that 1st day of school,but they just could never and nor would I expect them to be purchasing several outfits for back to school and certainly I would never tell them what to buy for my kids for their bdays,I would give them ideas as to what they like,but I would never expect them to purchase something that my husband & I could certainly buy them.
(minus the Hannah Montanna shirt that my mom purchased a few months ago for my daughter's bday (that I posted about!), we are always very grateful for anything that is given to our children or to us!).
It is not always a good idea, but I will admit, if I had not gotten help from my parents during the horrible 1982-1983 recession, I may very well be dead today because I was depressed over how life was going. Sometimes the help is needed. For the sake of information, I was 25-26 at the time.
I certainly cannot imagine taking handouts from my parents......or dictating a birthday gift (at any amount for that matter....I personally would never spend $300 on anything for a young child's gift but that's another discussion all together)..
That said, when my mom is here visiting, she enjoys going shopping and purchasing a few things for us while she's here (a shirt or pants or whatever). That is something she chooses to do, I always decline, she argues that she doesn't see us enough and she is old enough to decide what she can and can't do with her money and ends up paying for it....
My dad recently visited and picked up the dinner tab when we all went out (again after I took the bill and after I declined several times)...He has also been known to send "a little something" here and there. Not often and he is in a position to do so. He would never be "over the top" generous because that is not his (or our) belief system and he would not want to appear to insult our ability to support ourselves...My kids are older and hopefully are growing up with the understanding that the point is for them to support themselves and live within their means.
It is not always a good idea, but I will admit, if I had not gotten help from my parents during the horrible 1982-1983 recession, I may very well be dead today because I was depressed over how life was going. Sometimes the help is needed. For the sake of information, I was 25-26 at the time.
I think that sounds like a different situation all together. Of course in extreme situations, family is there to help you out....My DH was laid off a few years ago, my family of course let us know they were there to help if needed. Fortunately we got through it on our own but I knew that was an option (ie I would have accepted help rather than lose the house etc)....Glad it all worked out.
Last edited by maciesmom; 08-14-2009 at 08:42 AM..
It depends on the pattern. I see no problem with parents helping adult chidren out if otherwise the chidren are responsible. An example would be my oldest son needing a vehicle a couple years ago and since he was only 21 with no credit history my wife co-signed on the loan. He was a full-time student and had a full-time job and two part time as needed jobs.
I think another thing to consider is culture....I have friends who come from cultures that it is perfectly acceptable (even expected I believe) for parents to "help out" adult children. Of course I think the understanding is that they stay out of debt, make good financial choices and stash their money away so that they do the same when it is their turn....
I agree, unless the adult children are really struggling and the parents want to help and can help. My parents help my older sister out all the time. She is a single mother and it hasn't been easy, but she also has no control over her spending. I think it is starting to get to my mother a little, finally! (After 14 years!) They have always taken/paid for my niece's back to school shopping trip (at mall stores, too). More often than not, they pay for almost all of her birthday and Christmas gift (then gifted from all of them)--things like a Wii, a trick bike, some kind of expensive MP3 player, etc. They took out a small loan for her because she was in debt and wanted to consollidate her debt, plus pay for a new laptop for her "business" (she has been trying to be like a Mary Kay rep, but with a higher end make-up company for at least 3 years now and still doesn't have any clients).
It is frustrating and sometimes I can't help but feel a tinge of ill-will/jealousy toward her. My husband and I made less or the same amount as her for years (and having one child like her), but never asked for money from my parents. We even tried to pay for all of our wedding ourselves while we were techinically living below the poverty line (I think my parents ended up paying around $1,000 plus their own motel/attire). While my kids wear used-clothing exclusively, they buy my niece brand named clothes. While we bought my son mostly used hockey equipment, they gave my sister $300 to buy my niece all brand new equipment, including a very-overpriced helmet that my husband throughly researched beforehand, telling my sister that many neurologists and pro-hockey players didn't agree with the claims the company was making and that one of the lower priced one is the one continually suggested as the best overall.
Ugh! And it just never stops. She wanted to tried Pilates tapes. I told her my best friend had some that she was getting rid of and she could use for free. Nope, had to buy new ones.
My husband and I don't want to have my parents buy us stuff or our kids things that should be our responsibility. (If they ever want to buy an over-the-top gift, that is their perogative unless it interferes with our parenting.) But there seems a little natural feeling of money spent=love given, even though we all know there isn't. More depressing for us, we know if we ever do have an actual emergency and need help of some kind, we can't count on them because my sister has bled them dry on all her "emergencies." Hopefully we wouldn't even need monatary help, but I grew up with the motto "you help your family and neighbors" drilled into me.
Sorry for the rant, but it feels good to get out of the system once in awhile! So as you can see, adult children taking their parents for a ride is not only irresponsible and can bleed the parents dry, it can also create bad feelings between siblings. Luckily, I now live 2,000 miles away, so I am more immune to those bad feelings and we all have pretty good relationships.
I think it's entirely between the givers and the receivers and if it makes them all happy...go for it. None of my business to ponder the whys and hows of others peoples financial relationships.
There is another side to this....I know and have known, including my bestfriend who died a few years ago, who are in toxic relationships with their parents. These lovely gifts that some seem to be jealous of are more than just a financial burden to the giver, (what I have seen)there is "co-dependent" sort of realtionship going on with the giving equaling the ability to control the other person, and the person receiving the gifts giving up a part of their responsibility and becoming the victim.
With that being said I don't think you can judge every interaction this way.
I am a 30 something single parent of 2 who decided to go back to school with my parents help. I don't think our relationship would be viewed as extreme as many that have been talked about, because there are clear boundaries to what "help" I get.
I am not referring to people who truly do need the help. If someone lost their job or there were other challenges that the adult children were facing and their family is able/willing to help out,then yes of course, that should be acceptable.
I am talking about established people who seem to have now become accustomed to the handouts and expect them and willingly accept things that they are very able to provide for themselves or their children.
IF my mother offered to take me clothing shopping because I needed new things for work, I would say "thank you mom,I appreciate it,but save your money for you and dad to do something for you".
Even if it meant that I didn't get anything new that I really needed.
A 21 year old needing a car w/no credit history, of course,the parents are going to help out(if they are able) .My dad helped me with my first car also.
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