Parents helping adult children (father-in-law, wife, clothes, son)

[CFCBLUE77]

I'm not a parent but can relate. My older sister could do whatever she wanted with her money and not suffer the consequences for her actions. She could do that because she knew that our mom would sneak into my bank account to give her the money rather my sister asked it or not. When I turned 18 I took my mom off of my account and I want nothing to do with either of them.

[fierce_flawless]

Originally Posted by crazyme4878

My MIL is like this. My husband crashed one of our cars and my MIL sent us a check for $4,000. Wow, right? Wrong, it was a nightmare. We never, ever asked for money or even advice. If fact, my husband put off telling her about the car because he was afraid of this exact outcome. She wanted us to spend it as a downpayment on a newer used car. Of course it didn't say that on the note she mailed with it. When we explained that we weren't going to go into debt when we had another baby on the way and my husband was working seasonal, she got absolutely pissed off at us. I wanted to return the check as soon as we got it but Hubby said that would just make it worse.

So like I said, I don't want any handouts from our parents...but it is frustrating to see my sister continually blow her paycheck and have my parents bail her out over and over. I mean, how hard is it to budget money for your daughter's Christmas present and buy within that budget??? It is especially frustrating since we were in her income bracket for years without having her issues. We aren't talking special outfits the grandparents are buying, or dinners or small toys when they come to visit--it is total support of normal family budget items.

I don't know about other families, but I do know that my parents do it because they feel bad that because my niece doesn't have an involved father. I'm betting they are not alone in their reasoning.

I totally know what you mean. My mom bought me a portable dishwasher one year when I lived in an old place that had no dishwasher. This is the kind that you roll up to the sink and hook up to the faucet. She got it for $15 bucks at a thrift store. It never worked properly and eventually started leaking all over the floor every time we used it. So, we gave it away. OMG she almost had a coronary! It was ridiculous. The thing wasn't working but because she gave it to me I was, I guess, obligated years later to keep her up to date on what I did with it? It's not like she "loaned" it to me with the instruction to return it if I didn't want it... but with everything she "gives" it ends up being more of a loaner item. You can never ever get rid of anything that came from her but if you try and give it back she wants you to "store it" or whatever. It's just nonsense.

Oh and heaven help you if the "thing" she gave you breaks, you must have done something on purpose to destroy it.

Last spring she and I went shopping together. A rare occurrence... but we went thrift store shopping and she bought me a pretty awesome skirt. I shouldn't have let her but I was thinking hey, it's a $5 skirt and she wants to. She was all bent out of shape a couple months later when I chose to wear something else for my son's graduation, and not the skirt she bought me. She harped about it for days! Yet she had never even asked what I was wearing BEFORE the graduation. That's the kind of thing, as stupid and silly as it is, that makes me not want "gifts" from her. And that's just a small example. Everything has "conditions" when it comes from my mom.

To make it all that much worse, she has memory problems that she won't admit to... and so she'll swear up and down she gave you or loaned you an item when she perhaps only talked about doing so. Then she is mad because you don't have it anymore when you never did to begin with!!

There was this time a couple years ago that she came up with this idea for us to buy a truck used) with her money. The reasoning was, we wanted a truck and had been talking about buying one, she also wanted a truck, we all had a NEED for a truck. We were talking about buying something but couldn't afford much. The better deals were about $2000 more than what we had in cash at the time. She said she'd buy the truck (well, pay for the difference of about 2k) and we'd pick it out, but she would officially own it since she'd be paying for most of it, and we would ALL use it but primarily we'd have it at our house. Then we'd start making payments to buy it from her and when we paid it off she'd transfer the title and buy herself something else.

So, we found a truck for $3000 and we were all set to buy it. 2000 of her money and 1000 of ours. My mom had given me a check to write out to myself to get the cash for the purchase, because she was going to be out of town for 3 weeks and would have no other way to get the money to me. Then, the guy we are going to buy the truck from backed out and sold it to someone else (for more money)... so we ended up dropping the entire idea and deciding to just wait and do it on our own. We told her all of this and we tore UP the check. She was fine with that. Until, about six months later, she tells me we still owe her $2000 for that "truck you never bought"! Ack! crazy woman! I finally made her go through all her bank records to PROVE to her that that check was never processed but for a long time she kept insisting we had cashed that check.

I wish my ex inlaws had some sort of "guilt" for the fact that their grandsons (my boys) are living without an involved father, but no... the money they freely give goes to my son's father, the adult who won't support himself, vs. the kids he should be helping to support. It's really messed up.

[marshfield mom]

I got a hundred dollars from my parents one time when I was 15,and not a penny since then....they should grow up and stop being such a bunch of loosers.they should buy something for their parents and stop being a stain to them.Those people make me sick....

[Sam82]

Op, reading your post made me feel like we're from the same family. I too have a family member who is constantly being given support and she's in her 30s. Now she is going through a divorce, but she was given help all throughout her marriage. I don't understand this.

On another note, when I was growing up, I had a couple of family members that took me school shopping for my birthday. My mother was a struggling single mother and this really helped her out.

[Crash56]

It's when they expect that you will be there to fall back on when they overspend or mismanage money and of course it's never their fault. Like my 37 year old, she worries only one day at a time and she is not concerned that bill collectors call her house everyday and her husband is not the problem. Why should she get upset when I am here to bail her out. It's my fault because I just start helping when I see a problem. What is going to happen is I become the victim from being an enabler. Being broke myself will happen if I don't stop. I think I need counseling.

[no kudzu]

I left home at age 20 with $600 cash and got caught in a speed trap outside of d.C which cost me $300. I soon ran out of money as I was between pay period in my new government job. But I was determined to never ask for money and I never did- not so much as a collect phone call.

My mother wanted to loan me and DH money for down payment for our first home. We went to lawyer and had legal loan documents drawn up with token interest and we paid it off in half the time allowed. She had been taken for a bad financial ride by my brother and I was determined to not treat her that way.

When my 5 year old son needed cosmetic surgery to fix extremely protruding ears I mentioned to her that I had already looked into it being covered by insurance but we were denied. She insisted on paying the $5000 it would cost. After the surgery i tried again with the insurance company as I remembered the pediatrician said it was definitely a birth defect and should be fixed before he started school. he also put that in his records. This time the insurance came through and I immediately signed the check over to my mother. She was very impressed and my brother told me I was a fool and should have never told her and just kept the money.

Guess which child my elderly mother gave power of attorney to and trusted with all her investments many years later and which child she named as executrix of her estate? MOI!

[Jayerdu]

Originally Posted by NYMD67

As someone in their 40's, I am still amazed at the number of people who accept "handouts" from their parents at this age.

Are you considering gifts a hand out? Are you amazed when adult children (whether it is for themselves or the grandchildren) accept expensive gifts from parents and/or just when they EXPECT them? Are you opposed to parents paying or helping pay for weddings?

I personally don't think there is anything wrong when a parent wants to buy gifts for their children or grandchildren (assuming no strings attached) as long as it is within their financial means. My parents give me $500 (for the my children) during the holidays to put into their college fund. They also do this on their birthdays. And I humbly accept their gift. Do I expect it? No. Can they afford to this? Yes. I don't see a problem with this at all.

[Hopes]

It can go the opposite way. My girlfriend has parents who are overbearing with their participation in their adult children's lives. My girlfriend and her siblings don't know how to set boundaries. For example, when my girlfriend was remodeling her kitchen, she was terrified of her parents getting involved because they completely controlled her sister's kitchen remodel---right down to returning her new appliances. They didn't think they were good enough and bought her upgrades.

My girlfriend spent months trying to figure out how to avoid the same problems with her parents. I recommended she just do her kitchen without telling them---since they rarely visit her house---and tell them after it was done. Oh, btw, we remodeled our kitchen and I just loved it. She said she would never hear the end of it if she did that.

I was proud of my girlfriend. Her parents tried to dicate her choices and were constantly insisting they pay for better choices. She stood her ground during that remodel---right down to breaking into tears and saying, "I just want it to be the way I want it and I don't think anyone else's opinion should matter because it's my kitchen. I don't want your money because then I can't be proud of doing it myself."

Every family dynamic is different. Sometimes it's the parents who can't say no. Sometimes it's the adult children. Sometimes everyone is happy giving and taking. My parents died decades ago, but I know I wouldn't have taken from them because I never asked them once since I moved out at 19. I wanted to do it on my own.

[Kaleetan]

This is a GOOD thing!

[don1945]

I subscribe to the theory that you have children for life. If they are 60 and need a hand then I am there for them, as they are for me. Both of my Sons make more than me , which is terrific, but a few years ago my one Son went through a divorce and fell on hard times. His Brother and I both chipped in to help him through and to do things for him, both financially and by giving him support. He pulled out of it and has repaid us 10 times over.

Family is family, and we all need a hand every once in a while. My Sons are not takers and when we go out to eat together it is embarrassing because of the way each of us fights for the check. But I would be very hurt if one of them ever needed a hand and didn't think enough of me to ask for it.

Don