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Treeg, I appreciate your contribution to this thread and it sounds to me like you struck the right balance between tending to your child's needs and setting strong limits. Congrats to you on that. I always thought the whole Ferber method was a little more extreme than how you described...
Max's mom, I'm totally there. I am with you and that has basically been my philosophy for nighttime parenting. I subscribe to the whole Dr. Sears mentality when it comes to raising kids.
I thought about the toddler bed thing. My daughter did it for a while, and it was actually nice to know she was right there, but not right there.
I think all in all, misery does love company and I'm glad that other's have been there and are going through what I am going through. I know in my heart that this too will pass, but I'm just ready for some major tweaking in our night time routine. I am going to check out the no cry book and see how I can apply some principles. He's just a high needs little person, but I love him so much.
Not only will it pass, it all passes SO quickly... it seems like just yesterday I was carrying my "bubbie" (our silly baby nickname) in the sling and nursing him while I tried in vain to type with one hand to list items on eBay. Now he is almost 11 and wants to be an archaeologist and a chef, and possibly an attorney too. I remember when he got very very ill (salmonella!) and nursing saved him from a hospital stay... now he can eat more than his 16 year old brother!
This morning I woke my 16 year old up, and he said "Hey, mom. Isn't it weird to think that in just a couple years I'll be 18?" Weird for sure! Where did the time go? I remember when he couldn't say things like "refrigerator" and "helicopter" and when he was tiny and colicky and I would sit and rock him and just cry from exhaustion, or when he would finally get to sleep and I'd try to lie him down and he'd wake as soon as he felt my arms let go as I placed him in bed. Ugh, I thought I'd go insane! I was single and 20 years old, and I just wanted a regular shower or to be able to have a meal with 2 hands!
Point is, I remember all of those times, how hard it was and how tired I was.. and I wouldn't change a thing.
I did it and it worked when it came time to transfer our 1st daughter from co-sleeping to her crib. She was about 1 1/2.
Night one: down in the crib and my daughter screamed for 50 minutes. Then she was out like a light. BTW, there was no vomit involved like some kids produce when they cry really hard.
Night two: down in the crib, screaming for 15 minutes, then out like a light.
Night three: down in the crib, no screaming at all. She just laid there looking at the light show on the ceiling for a while and soon nodded off.
If by ferberize you mean according to the method by Dr. Ferber, I think you should read the book before doing it. It is one of the "cry it out" methods, which is fine I think. But many people have a mistaken idea of what that entails. Dr. Ferber recently revised his book, possibly to clear up misconceptions from his first ed.
Another great sleep book is Happy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child, by Weissbluth. It's very technical in the first half, but many of my friends swear by it. It's not so much sleep training as it is teaching you how to read your child's cues so you can put them to sleep at the optimal time. I've only heard of it used by parents of babies, though I don't see why it couldn't work with a toddler. You might check out both books at the library first.
Will it work for my 21 month old? How do I do it? I'm at my wits ends with him. My daughter was such a good sleeper, I just thought I'd do the same thing with him. Boy was I wrong. My little one is up a lot at night, he still enjoys night nursing, and I'm pretty much done with his nighttime habits. I've always hated the thought of Ferberizing, but I'm reaching my breaking point.
Give me some tips... tell me it will work... how long does it take... how guilty will I feel... any alternatives?
Odd on out here but I have used this method on both my ds's but modified it to fit my children tempermants & needs.
I really don't want to have to "justify" why I decided on letting my children cry it out. I love my sons beyond words.
I stopped nursing both at 8 months. Both took to formula quite well as well as baby food. It was an easy transition with both.
Baby #1 was not a napper. Baby #2 is text book napper
General routine:
Bath
A little quiet playing time
Bottle & rock to sleep
Both would wake up about 45-60 mins after I first laid them down.
For baby #1, I would go in after 5 mins, rub his back for 5 mins & leave. If he fell asleep, he'd stay sleeping. If he was still awake, I'd wait about 10 mins, go back in & rub his back for a little less than 5 mins. If still awake, 15 mins later & stay in the room briefly.
For baby #2, he literally screamed when I would come back in & would only stop if I picked him up. So, I just stayed out of the room. For two nights in a row he cried for about 35-45 mins. & then he would fall asleep for the remainder of the night. The next few nights he woke up & would cry for 5-10 mins & fall asleep.
By doing the modified method, I really learned when I needed to go in the room and comfort my child & when I did not b/c they were crying more out of annoyance.
The other night, my #2 woke up around midnight & just had this awful cry. I knew it was not normal, so I went in, picked him up. He didn't want a bottle when offered. He probably had some sort of tummy ache. I rocked him for 45mins.
My #1 sleeps from 8:30pm-8:00am. He very, very rarely wakes up. He still naps in the afternoon for about 1 1/2 to 2 hrs.
My #2 sleeps from 9:00pm-8:00am. He does wake up b/w 5-6am & I give him a bottle & he goes back to asleep until his brother wakes up & thus he wakes up
I have let my children learn to comfort themselves & fall asleep on their own. But, I have also gone in & comforted them by rocking, feeding, etc when I know the cry is a cry that needs my attention or if they are crying for longer than 45 mins (that has been infrequent).
I am not a nice mommy at bedtime It's no frills with me. Bath, something to drink, 2 books, prayers, & bed. That's it. I don't play around. I need some time to myself & after they are in bed is when I shower, do bills, finish cleaning the house, & fold laundry. Many nights I take an hour to just veg w/ a book or watch tv. It's my time. I need that time to be a healthy, happy, & productive mom to my sons. I give my all from 8am-9:00pm.
When they have been sick, have a tummy ache, a bad dream, I go in their room. Letting your child cry it out does not mean ignoring them!!!
I know more families who are on board with CIO & it has worked for them. Now families who cosleep & it works for them.
Rather than force your child to cry it out, have you considered moving him into your bed. A nursing toddler sleeps much better next to mom, and there is less distruption of sleep for you.
It seems cruel to me to make him cry for (and withhold) something that has always been a source of comfort for him just because you are sick of his behavior. That sounds like something that you may regret later on IMO.
Ferber isn't my cup of tea. Once my daughter was no longer co-sleeping, we bought her a king-sized bed and if she needs me at night, I just sleep next to her. She is 3 now and needing me less and less and less. Most nights she sleeps through the night without me. I never had to do anything to change her sleep habits...they have just evolved as she got older.
It will get easier, I promise! When I was the most sleep-deprived when my daughter was younger, I hired a sitter a few times just so I could take a nap! My husband I joked about the $50 nap.
I am sure the "children" you knew...there was much more to the situation than their parents letting them cry for a half hour.....
Failure to thrive falls under the category of child abuse. You are towing a fine line.
I absolutely know for 100% that it was just CIO, not neglect. Please do not for a second think that I didn't know exactly what the situation was and just made it up to make a point.
Loving parents were flabergasted what happened to their healthy baby who was steadily gaining weight before and then suddenly stopped thriving, or developing and gaining weight, just to find out that it was simply their CIO method. My AP pediatrician told me this.
I'm really pissed by the way you implied that I'm confused. Not to mention that letting a small child cry for half hour alone in the room is a form of neglect in my book.
Some adults need to be ferberized to see how they feel, let you be left in the room by your loved one alone to cry and see how you feel.
Last edited by max's mama; 08-31-2008 at 11:12 PM..
People complicate this tremendously, and get into silly "AP" or "Ferber" camps on what is really a very simple matter.
You have trained your child to cry during the night by rewarding this behavior.
Quit rewarding it, and the behavior will stop.
You are not doing him any favors by allowing his sleep to remain broken, and his need for night-time feedings ended a long time ago.
That's all. You don't need to punish him, and you don't need a complicated, confusing system to stop providing him with rewards for his night-crying.
Buck up, mama. His waking temperment will drastically improve if you will just get the guts to handle this... and you will feel much more confident about raising him, as well. Less Dr. Sears, and more common sense.
Now, I am biased, as I have had three children in less than four years, and thus do not have the time or energy to fool around with all this soft-headed "attachment parenting" business even if I wanted to, but when I see strung-out, exhausted mothers and frustrated fathers at their wits' end with a nightwaking two-year-old (or four-year-old...) I want to shake my head and ask "Now, WHO is the head of this household??"
And, for pity's sake, toddlers scream about all KINDS of things. Screaming and crying in and of itself does them no harm.
My two-year-old just today pitched a remarkable fit about the fact that I denied her a post-breakfast coconut macaroon. (!) By no means does this constitute a "breach of sacred trust."
It means that she is a two-year-old whose nature is, like all of us, inherently selfish and undisciplined, and that she must be taught to moderate her selfish desires through firm parental guidance.
Sometimes this means blithely ignoring her protests. I wouldn't have given her that macaroon if she had thrown up during her protest, either.
Bathe the child, put a clean diaper on, make sure that he is fed and given a drink, and PUT HIM TO BED. The end.
You are the mama, a firm authority figure, wise enough to discern what your family's needs are. Not an endlessly long-suffering martyr to your children's whims.
You might as well get used to the idea now.
No frills here, as a previous lady noted.
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Now he is almost 11 and wants to be an archaeologist and a chef, and possibly an attorney too. I remember when he got very very ill (salmonella!) and nursing saved him from a hospital stay... now he can eat more than his 16 year old brother!
Weird for sure! Where did the time go? I remember when he couldn't say things like "refrigerator" and "helicopter" and when he was tiny and colicky and I would sit and rock him and just cry from exhaustion, or when he would finally get to sleep and I'd try to lie him down and he'd wake as soon as he felt my arms let go as I placed him in bed. Ugh, I thought I'd go insane! I was single and 20 years old, and I just wanted a regular shower or to be able to have a meal with 2 hands! 
