Anybody doesn't have extended family? (babysit, parent, playing, daughter)
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We do not have any family nearby either. My parents are deceased and we do not see hubby's parents often. I have a picture of my parents that my children have seen and I explain they are in heaven. (Maybe you could show them pictures of your parents?) They talk to the other grandparents on the phone but there is a language barrier too. I often feel jealous of others' family around because it is a tremendous help to them but then they also get interference from them too. We just have friends and pray that someone is watching over us, all we can do.
Sorry to hear that. I've been pretty content to exist as we've been, to create our own traditions, and enjoy the fact that we are genuinely liking each other, it's just the kids are growing up and asking questions about grandparents. I'd love them to see their grandpa (and I miss him, too), and I even would build a bridge with my mother for the kids' sake. I'll try the free Internet calls, with camera, as I said above - could you use that?
I feel bad for the kids not have grandparents around and sometimes it would be nice to have someone who loves me kids as much as I do around to help, but you just do the best you can and move on.
I'd like to hear from others who have no extended family around. Maybe because the family is deseased, or not on speaking terms.
We have no extended family, it's just us 4 - the parents and 2 kids. His folks are dead (and not on very good speaking terms with his brother), mine are on the other side of the planet, and I'm not on speaking terms with my mother. My daughter is starting to ask about her grandparents. I say that they live far far away and maybe one day we'll visit them. The thing is, I'm not sure if we'll visit them in the foreseeable future. If you are to buy full fare tickets it cost $20,000 for 4 people round trip. Of course it's possible to search for sales, but it will still run in the area of $10,000. And a visit is not really a solution: 2 weeks in a foreign (to them) speaking country, with foreign speaking people will just start making a small dent in their comprehension.
I would have loved to have support of extended family when they were babies, though never of my mother's - I don't want her negativity in their lives. We have our little family in a great "vacation" area by the sea, but sometimes I look at the families with branches, how they coo over new babies, and it makes me sad.
We can relate, our "family" situation is pretty much exactly like yours and my wife is frequently bothered by it to the point of tears. I remind her of what it was like last time we were around her mother,uncle and aunt (toxic people) and that as long as we are together then that's all we need.
While we don't have all the neat stuff that can come with extended family we also don't have all the drama that definately comes with extended family. Sometimes people have an idealic view of family life and like those times you see those other families with "branches" all you see is a small "public" snippit of their lives, you're not seeing the mother,aunt or granny telling them how to raise the kids or butting in to your marital life or telling you how they told you your spouse was no good!
Don't just look at the christmas card part of having extended family, think also of the "they're driving me to the nuthouse" part as well.
Another plus is it sure is cheaper at christmas!
You know, I think there would be a good "market" for a non-profit that joins older people up with young families. Maybe there already is one. Then both sides can get a background check, plus fill out a survey to find the best match. Plus, they could sponsor multi-generational activities. I know in our town it would probably work--the area is highly transient (large population living far away from family), plus has a high number of retirees.
Otherwise, finding adopted grandparents is a little ackward and takes time. I mean, you can't just go up to someone and ask, "Do you want to be our children's adopted grandparent?"
Yes, with all respect to adoptees and adoptive parents here on the forum, I guess it's just something not for me - the nice little old lady across the street will never feel to me as a full replacement (and it would be not quite right to be finding a replacement if blood grandparents are alive). The same lady is set up in her routine, too, with pre-arranged visits of her own kids/grandkids, with her hair perm appointments, with her quet knitting for charity. Will she want to get down on the floor with my kids? Will I want to be imposing my kids on her? It'll never feel right to me.
I didn't really ask for an advise when I wrote this post - just to see if I'm not alone. I suspected that I'd get the usual advises of places to meet people - this post is not about that. I know how and where to find people, if the need be. There are no people who can replace blood relatives, that's ridiculous - even adoptees themselves keep looking for birthparents, even if they have had great "replacements" all their life.
And yes, I remember very well why I'm not with my parents. It doesn't mean that I can't be sad thinking that there was no grandparent to welcome a new baby into the world. I have a right to sadness - even if I would be staying in a hotel if I ever visited my parents.
Yes, with all respect to adoptees and adoptive parents here on the forum, I guess it's just something not for me - the nice little old lady across the street will never feel to me as a full replacement (and it would be not quite right to be finding a replacement if blood grandparents are alive). The same lady is set up in her routine, too, with pre-arranged visits of her own kids/grandkids, with her hair perm appointments, with her quet knitting for charity. Will she want to get down on the floor with my kids? Will I want to be imposing my kids on her? It'll never feel right to me.
I didn't really ask for an advise when I wrote this post - just to see if I'm not alone. I suspected that I'd get the usual advises of places to meet people - this post is not about that. I know how and where to find people, if the need be. There are no people who can replace blood relatives, that's ridiculous - even adoptees themselves keep looking for birthparents, even if they have had great "replacements" all their life.
And yes, I remember very well why I'm not with my parents. It doesn't mean that I can't be sad thinking that there was no grandparent to welcome a new baby into the world. I have a right to sadness - even if I would be staying in a hotel if I ever visited my parents.
No, actually I only say that to people who post and then say the following:
"I didn't really ask for an advise when I wrote this post - just to see if I'm not alone. I suspected that I'd get the usual advises of places to meet people - this post is not about that. I know how and where to find people, if the need be. There are no people who can replace blood relatives, that's ridiculous - even adoptees themselves keep looking for birthparents, even if they have had great "replacements" all their life.
And yes, I remember very well why I'm not with my parents. It doesn't mean that I can't be sad thinking that there was no grandparent to welcome a new baby into the world. I have a right to sadness - even if I would be staying in a hotel if I ever visited my parents."
This response seemed rather rude to people who took the time to reply and do their best to A. Relate to you B. Offer support C. Offer some sort of solution so you might feel better.
If all you wanted was a "pity party" that's fine but might I suggest you let others know that's all you want to do.
...If all you wanted was a "pity party" that's fine but might I suggest you let others know that's all you want to do.
Actually, you are the one being rude. Sometimes it is simply nice to know that you are not alone, especially when you are feeling oh-so-lonely because of the lack of family. If you don't have anything productive to add to a forum--stay out.
My husband immigrated to the US when he was 17 and hadn't been back For 21 years. He has a brother here, in another town, and a brother back home that he didn't see the entire time. His father came and went, but his mother did not (they are divorced.) His father said that sometimes his brother would cry (he's 50 or so) because he missed my husband so much.
we have two kids 7 and 3. We have moved around a lot since college, and just last year moved to near my family. It has been a tremendous relief to be near to them. The kids have cousins sleep over, go to sleep overs, birthday parties all summer long, play dates, etc.... with their cousins. Every Saturday my aunts, cousins and I get together and play cards while all the kids run around playing, screaming, laughing, fighting, etc... It is a thing of beauty and what memories are made of.
Back to the other side, my mother in law finally came to the US 7 years ago when I had my son. She hadn't seen her son for 16 years. She left after my son was born and didn't come back. She hadn't seen her grandson for 7 years and never laid eyes on her 3 1/2 year old granddaughter.
This summer we went over there (and yes it cost us over $5400 to go for the four tickets--an arm and a leg, not to mention 1 month off of work) and finally met my husbands brother and extended family. Finally my children learned that their father has another brother, (who has two girls 19 and 16 that my husband never saw), cousins, more cousins, their grandmother, and their only remaining great grandmother. Seeing my husband and his brother meet after 21 years was really something. It was priceless, and worth every penny we spent. Seeing my husbands nieces, who are practically grown, was also wonderful.
My kids now know a whole extension of the family they never met. They have seen where their father came from, where he slept and studied as a child, where he went to school, how he spent his summers, etc... It was so worth it. Even if you will visit and leave, your children will have the memories of their visit to keep them happy till they can return.
I am planning to make each of my children an album of all their relatives (just waiting to get the tikes off to school to get some free time to do this little project) so that they can always see the pictures and remember their cousins. And since I am not sure that we will be able to swing the cost of the trip (financially and time wise--we were gone 4 weeks of our summer, plus all the prep time) every year, I have already told my husband's nieces to get their passports/visas ready so that we can send for the to come here for a visit (2 tickets are cheaper than 4) and they can see where we live.
I cannot emphasize the importance of family. I come from a tight knit family and my husband had forgotten all about his family. After all our moving around, the one thing i insisted on is that we come full circle and land where i started. (he wanted to move where the pay would be better) No extra money on earth is worth what I would lose by moving away. I am very fortunate. See what you can do to try to visit your family. I know it is so expensive. Try the idea of paying for your closer relatives to visit you, sometimes that is cheaper than you going there.
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