Your kids and dysfunction in your extended family (teens, teaching, weigh)
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Okay I have a relative who I suspect has some mental illness problems(that she'll never seek help for). I've tried to set some boundaries with her in the past with some success.
Over the holidays this person was over the top with paranoia, elaborate bizarre stories, excessively ruminating. Very short version of events.
I'm not sure what to do next with my kids though. Not see this person again because of the behaviors , or continue to see them and hope that this won't happen again for a long time.
If I decide not to let my kids see this person again, I'm sure this particular relative won't take any responsibility for their role in the situation.
What do others do in this situation...do you see it as best to cut a person like that out of your lives, for the sake of your kids....or do you think something positive can still be gained from the kids knowing their relative, despite this person having a very dysfunctional grasp on life.
I would let my kids see the relative -- even for their sakes so they can see first hand that some people don't act right.
They're going to encounter people like this at some point anyhow -- and you can help explain it to them. It's a good opportunity to help them understand mental illness.
One of the problems is that some of the ruminating and paranoia is directed at other people in my family and my husband's extended family. I'm wondering how to counteract my kids hearing what are either gross exaggerations or plain lies about other people that they love.
Feel really confused.....wondering how my kids will look back on my handling of these issues.
We had a crazy aunt.
She was the one that made the family gatherings interesting as we were growing up. Our parents used her as a teaching opportunity once we returned home.
We reminisced plenty about her this Christmas... lots of funny stories.
Seems like a good opportunity to model both boundary setting and compassion for the mentally ill. You can give age-appropriate explanations for things the aunt says.
As long as she's not being abusive or directing any venom at the children, I don't see the problem. You simply explain said relative is mentally ill and that nothing they say can be taken seriously. Direct them to be kind and maybe give them some stock phrases for dealing with her. Avoid leaving them alone with her, just for their own comfort levels.
As long as everyone acknowledges that she is disturbed, and as long as no one gives her any credibility, I think the kids will be fine. Problems start when dysfunction or abusive treatment goes unacknowledged/unconfronted.
I'm wondering how to counteract my kids hearing what are either gross exaggerations or plain lies about other people that they love.
Imagine if that person lived with your family. My sister's MIL moved in with them last year. She's losing her mind, and it got much worse recently. My sister's children had the joy of hearing her accuse their parents of trying to poison her. Fortunately she's doing better since the doctor put her on medication for dementia.
You'll need to weigh the time of exposure with the severity of what's being said. I personally would limit the time spent around the person, but I wouldn't avoid family gatherings if I wanted my children to see other family members.
One of the problems is that some of the ruminating and paranoia is directed at other people in my family and my husband's extended family. I'm wondering how to counteract my kids hearing what are either gross exaggerations or plain lies about other people that they love.
Feel really confused.....wondering how my kids will look back on my handling of these issues.
The truth. You can do whatever you want -- and it can depend on your kids, if they are very sensitive or how bad the things the relatives says might be. My kids got to see an uncle who was in great pain and dying who had been on dialysis for some time who got kind of mean at the end. He didn't want to see people any more so the kids had to realize that it was the pain and despair talking, not him.
It can be a lesson on mental illness. Kids can understand an awful lot. Imagine kids who have a mentally ill parent -- and some do.
I think it depends entirely on the ages of your kids. I had my demented mother in my home for 10 years-mostly while my kids were teens.We talked about it and the things she said and did and i explained to them how sick Granny was an dhow we did not have to love the things she said but we still loved her cause she couldn't help it. I finally put her in assisted living. Then we adopted two little ones and they were about 4 or 5 when she died but they were taken up to see Granny as frequently as possible. Funny thing is none of the 4 kids remember much about Granny now. I guess we did a good job of shielding them from the hurt she caused us, especially me. Although my son remembers how devastated I was when she threatened to put me in jail for some minor thing which didn't even happen except in her mind. I find if I don't mention her nobody else does.
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