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My dad is a paranoid schizophrenic and also has dementia. My kids have seen some pretty bad things recently...grandpa had to stay with us while grandma was in the hospital and he was peeing in the garage, accusing us of stealing everything from his house (because we brought his clothes to our house while he stayed there), threatening my husband, talking about how he wanted to eat a nurse (not in a cannibal kind of way), then telling my oldest daughter that she should be a nurse. (the kids locked themselves into my bedroom to sleep, while I slept against the front door to keep him from leaving in the night. fun times)
I'm ashamed to even write all of this. But we got through the week from hell and the kids are okay. They've always known Grandpa had a mental illness but they've never spent so much uninterrupted time with him before.
And best of all, I got really sick while I was taking care of my parents (had to have a blood transfusion after they went home) so I'm off the hook for the next emergency they have, my sister who has no kids will have to step up next time.
This is why there are nursing homes -- can your mother handle him with all his problems? He sounds like he could be dangerous -- I wouldn't suggest having kids be around someone in that bad of shape.
Okay I have a relative who I suspect has some mental illness problems(that she'll never seek help for). I've tried to set some boundaries with her in the past with some success.
Over the holidays this person was over the top with paranoia, elaborate bizarre stories, excessively ruminating. Very short version of events.
I'm not sure what to do next with my kids though. Not see this person again because of the behaviors , or continue to see them and hope that this won't happen again for a long time.
If I decide not to let my kids see this person again, I'm sure this particular relative won't take any responsibility for their role in the situation.
What do others do in this situation...do you see it as best to cut a person like that out of your lives, for the sake of your kids....or do you think something positive can still be gained from the kids knowing their relative, despite this person having a very dysfunctional grasp on life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute
I would let my kids see the relative -- even for their sakes so they can see first hand that some people don't act right.
They're going to encounter people like this at some point anyhow -- and you can help explain it to them. It's a good opportunity to help them understand mental illness.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector
As long as she's not being abusive or directing any venom at the children, I don't see the problem. You simply explain said relative is mentally ill and that nothing they say can be taken seriously. Direct them to be kind and maybe give them some stock phrases for dealing with her. Avoid leaving them alone with her, just for their own comfort levels.
As long as everyone acknowledges that she is disturbed, and as long as no one gives her any credibility, I think the kids will be fine. Problems start when dysfunction or abusive treatment goes unacknowledged/unconfronted.
I agree that as long as she is not abusive to your children, you limit the contact and are present to supervise I agree that it is fine to allow your children to have contact with her. In fact, it can used as a learning experience on how you should treat people with mental illnesses. It may also help them realize the importance of treating mental illnesses.
Keep in mind that if a situation becomes dangerous you must be prepared to immediately act, whether it be call 911 or take your children and leave or whatever is appropriate. If your relative becomes worse and it may be damaging for your children to be around her then cut her out of their lives or your life.
Last edited by germaine2626; 12-31-2013 at 10:46 PM..
This is why there are nursing homes -- can your mother handle him with all his problems? He sounds like he could be dangerous -- I wouldn't suggest having kids be around someone in that bad of shape.
I know what you mean, but I don't have medical POA, the most I could have done is gotten him an emergency 3 day stay in a psych ward. My mother needs to plan better for emergencies but she says putting him in a nursing home would be breaking her wedding vows.
My mother was one. She's gone now. She was very manipulative and abusive to me. I grew up and moved forward. I cut her out of my life for a long time. My grandparents were those I was closest with. My grandmother was a steady active part of our lives and lived with us until she passed in 2009.
I wanted my kids to have a chance at a grandparent relationship. I gave my mother a chance and didn't tell my kids how hurtful she was to me. UNTIL I called home one day and my five year old was crying and I asked what was wrong and she told me about her conversation she just had with grandma on the phone. She pulled a hurtful and manipulative head game with my five year old. I calmly hung up after consoling my daughter and called my mother and tore into her about it. She called my daughter and apologized to her but I decided that it would stop right there. I never stopped her from calling but didn't go see her or have her come to our house any more. She lived 750 miles away.
She continually manipulated me my entire life. I figured at least with phone calls they could still talk and I could monitor. I didn't trust my mother as far as I could throw her and as I said, she was very abusive. She died in 2007.
So my kids had my grandmother as that wonderful grandparent constant in their lives. They didn't miss out on anything there.
Then there is my father. Never in the picture for me growing up. He decided to have a presence in my life as an adult. My kids know who he is but can't stand him. He has only called
Or come around when he wants or needs something. He's never once called the kids or me to simply say hi or happy birthday or anything. He is all about himself and that's all he cares about. I remember him coming around several times with strangers for me to give advice to, because of my profession. He never called ahead to ask or anything. Just brought these strange people over AND expected me to feed all of them too!!!
Yet when my grandmother died, the one that I worshipped and she lived with us, I didn't even get so much as a phone call from. At least have the decency to pay respect to the woman that raised your child or try to be there to console your grandchildren while I was a wreck. Nope. Nothing. Honestly that was the last straw for me.
So OP, when you say narcissistic family member, I am an expert as having two parents that are. I say tread lightly and be very careful. They can suck you in and drain you leaving scars in their wake. As long as the kids aren't being manipulated or hurt, contact is fine. I would just be careful of forging too close of a relationship with this person for your kids.
You will be fine though and so will your kids. You already recognize that she has a problem so your radar is already tuned to any possible issues.
I know what you mean, but I don't have medical POA, the most I could have done is gotten him an emergency 3 day stay in a psych ward. My mother needs to plan better for emergencies but she says putting him in a nursing home would be breaking her wedding vows.
It sound terrible -- and you need to take care of your own health. I think you need to tell your mom that she's going to have to find other arrangements for him, I wouldn't even make the other sister take him even if she doesn't have children. Definitely kids shouldn't have to be afraid in their own homes, the home should be their sanctuary.
There are people who just act strange but aren't dangerous or very mean. A lot of Alzheimers patients aren't terrible to be around. My uncle stayed sweet, he didn't know who anyone was, but he seemed happy, would sit and smile. At the end though he got too hard for them to handle so they had to have him moved to a place that could handle him.
I know what you mean, but I don't have medical POA, the most I could have done is gotten him an emergency 3 day stay in a psych ward. My mother needs to plan better for emergencies but she says putting him in a nursing home would be breaking her wedding vows.
Hedgehog Mom, you missed your chance. He SHOULD have been in a 3 day psych ward while mom was sick. They might have been able to help you get an appropriate placement for him. Mom would have been absolved of responsibility because she didn't do it.
What event will precipitate you finally stepping in and taking care of your parents? Does someone have to get hurt?
I hope you don't think me harsh, but if you had to lock the kids in their rooms...it's time.
You might want to visit the Caregiving board. I would also suggest a dementia support group if you can find one. Very helpful to meet others struggling with these kinds of decisions.
Mental illness should not be a stigma. The OP's kids are old enough, IMO, to be around around this person, as long as the OP is available to "run interference". The kids are old enough to understand mental illness.
Hedgehog Mom, you missed your chance. He SHOULD have been in a 3 day psych ward while mom was sick. They might have been able to help you get an appropriate placement for him. Mom would have been absolved of responsibility because she didn't do it.
What event will precipitate you finally stepping in and taking care of your parents? Does someone have to get hurt?
I hope you don't think me harsh, but if you had to lock the kids in their rooms...it's time.
You might want to visit the Caregiving board. I would also suggest a dementia support group if you can find one. Very helpful to meet others struggling with these kinds of decisions.
I think you're overestimating what I can do for my parents...neither of them is over 65 and my mother is as sharp as ever. My dad has 6 or 7 doctors that he sees regularly, when he's been in the hospital they're always impressed with how well she's taking care of him. So we can't say he's being neglected or abused or that she's unable to care for him. If she hadn't gotten sick, I wouldn't have been stuck caring for him. She's usually very healthy. She got a kidney stone and it turned into a septic infection...it's not like she has chronic health problems. Hopefully she will make some kind of arrangement in case of emergencies, and I will certainly discuss it with her. But she's in full possession of her mental faculties and she is not going to let her kids tell her what to do, or "step in and take care of her."
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