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I think a lot of people are being alarmists. My husband was terrible as a teen and he is highly successful and functional. My young adult boys were god awful with peer "joking". And they are both healthy functional successful adults. I was even pretty bad as a teen and find none of it funny now.
I really do think a lot of people on this thread are taking it waaaaay more serious then it is.
There's a vast difference between borderline things that may be offensive to some and making jokes about rapes and Nazis. I don't see how people just brush this away. It's serious. And, these kinds of things can come back to haunt you - there are stories everyday about poeple doing and saying stupid and harmful things and getting burned - the man who made fun of the little black boy, the senator from Arizona's sons (Jeff Flake I think), the two guys who ran a coffee shop but had a sexist, pro-rape podcast (they're out of biz now), etc. And no one cares when this stuff is splashed all over social media if the person says "oh, they're just kids/they're young"/"it's just a joke." It's not a joke. When we start normalizing this kind of behaviour and talk, things get bad. You need to make every effort to make clear to your son that this is unacceptable and will not be tolerated in your house, when he goes away to college, in his job, etc. Who knows, the other kid could post this stuff on social media without your son's consent. If you think clearly racist and rape is funny, you're the problem. I don't care if you're 15 or 51. And we wonder why there are so many stories of frat rape, date rape, church burnings, etc. Parents, teach your children well.
This is a really hard call...is this just a 14 year old boy trying to be cool and fit in? Or is this something more? I really can't answer that but as a mother of a 28 year old grown man...I can say during his teen years he had some deplorable behavior...or at least what I found to be awful...drinking,cursing looking at porn on computer...also overhearing him and his friends talking...very disappointing coming from a bunch of Catholic school boys...I remember walking in and hearing his friend saying his goal for freshman year in high school was to have sex...Happily it was just a phase... all his friends including my son are upstanding citizens...part of me says rock your son's world take away phone and come down hard...which was the type of parenting I practiced...can't tell you how many times his phone was shut off...or when he took the car to the movies without my permission my husband and I drove to the theater and with the spare set of keys took the car home...which left one very surprised 16 year old in the parking lot...but would he still have turned out fine if I hadn't been so hard on him? I really can't answer that...maybe
There's a vast difference between borderline things that may be offensive to some and making jokes about rapes and Nazis. I don't see how people just brush this away. It's serious. And, these kinds of things can come back to haunt you - there are stories everyday about poeple doing and saying stupid and harmful things and getting burned - the man who made fun of the little black boy, the senator from Arizona's sons (Jeff Flake I think), the two guys who ran a coffee shop but had a sexist, pro-rape podcast (they're out of biz now), etc. And no one cares when this stuff is splashed all over social media if the person says "oh, they're just kids/they're young"/"it's just a joke." It's not a joke. When we start normalizing this kind of behaviour and talk, things get bad. You need to make every effort to make clear to your son that this is unacceptable and will not be tolerated in your house, when he goes away to college, in his job, etc. Who knows, the other kid could post this stuff on social media without your son's consent. If you think clearly racist and rape is funny, you're the problem. I don't care if you're 15 or 51. And we wonder why there are so many stories of frat rape, date rape, church burnings, etc. Parents, teach your children well.
Have you parented teenaged boys and really got a window into what they think is funny? Sounds doubtful. It's hideous stuff.
Back in the 80s my friends and I passed around a series of books called 'Truly Tasteless Jokes' that made fun of minorities, contained joke concerning violence against babies, and all kinds of truly disgusting and offensive material.
My friends and I were all decent people, respectful in all of our dealings with people, and helpful to strangers, etc. But we reveled in the shock value.
I would watch his actual behavior, but realize that being entertainled by offensive memes may well just be a phase.
Give money to the NAACP? You don't like your child making racial comments via text but you don't mind him giving money to a racist organization? Makes sense.
We gave him his phone back with strict instructions and the understanding that we would be looking at it periodically. Well, we checked it that evening and guess what? There they were. More horrible jokes and memes not even an hour after he got it back.
Not even an hour after getting his phone back, he was back to it, even though he KNEW you would check his phone.
I'm a nice person, didn't get into any trouble ever, in school or life. I read books at recess and the few friends I had were nerdy and got good grades. Even I remember a bunch of "Dead Baby" jokes that went around in junior high.
Take away the phone for second offence. Discourage the friendship. Maybe find a new job/activity/sport/ volunteer opportunity or something to distract and move on. If you're still butting heads, change schools.
Hmmm...14 year olds and "privacy," NO! As a parent I reserve the right to check any and everything that comes into the space where I live and pay bills.
It's ludicrous to think that we don't have influence as parents despite the ideas, thoughts, perceptions that a 14 year old CHILD has adopted. They form their own ideas! Great! They can change! And life experience is sure to bring that to pass. As a 43 year old I've formed many thoughts and opinions......it would be DUMB if I'm not open to listening and learning.....and sometimes changing! So to whomever said there's nothng you can do to change what's already been formed in his heart of hearts.....just, NO!
Several discussions should be had. Museums may not be as effective as a few heart to hearts concerning esteem, the world we live in, peer pressure and acceptance, individuality etc.
Also, meet the friend and take the phone except and unless it's needed!
Shameful to think peers can influence children to behave in ways contrary to their upbringing but for parents there's nothng you can do, they are who they are. Really??:
ETA: glad to see after going back and re-reading, that some measure of parental influence was advised.Geez
Last edited by Tell-the-Truth; 10-22-2015 at 09:31 PM..
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