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There's a vast difference between borderline things that may be offensive to some and making jokes about rapes and Nazis. I don't see how people just brush this away. It's serious. And, these kinds of things can come back to haunt you - there are stories everyday about poeple doing and saying stupid and harmful things and getting burned - the man who made fun of the little black boy, the senator from Arizona's sons (Jeff Flake I think), the two guys who ran a coffee shop but had a sexist, pro-rape podcast (they're out of biz now), etc. And no one cares when this stuff is splashed all over social media if the person says "oh, they're just kids/they're young"/"it's just a joke." It's not a joke. When we start normalizing this kind of behaviour and talk, things get bad. You need to make every effort to make clear to your son that this is unacceptable and will not be tolerated in your house, when he goes away to college, in his job, etc. Who knows, the other kid could post this stuff on social media without your son's consent. If you think clearly racist and rape is funny, you're the problem. I don't care if you're 15 or 51. And we wonder why there are so many stories of frat rape, date rape, church burnings, etc. Parents, teach your children well.
If I caught my son spewing this crap he'd be phone less for one, and he'd learn quickly that you don't put others down to gain self esteem. Cool people are the ones who can be who they are and not cut others down to impress friends. He's just making himself look like an ass.
He needs a club or sport to gain the right pride in his accomplishments, and stop trying so desperately to get a laugh. Girls are going to hate him, and he might get his ass beat for those jokes.
Find out his interests and require him to join a club or sport. He's only 14, privacy is for 16 year olds with a job. He can't have a private phone someone else bought because you'll be held responsible for his conduct on it, not him. If a teacher gets a hold of it you'll be sorry. If his friends mom or dad sees it, it won't fly. Those jokes aren't tolerated in this generation, not with all the shootings and race riots. The same rules do not apply. Zero tolerance for racial, sexist, or anti religious jokes. Most of the kids I know and my own know better than that by 14. All kids don't do this, address it.
If the healthy activities fail, talk to his school and the counselors.
Hmmm...14 year olds and "privacy," NO! As a parent I reserve the right to check any and everything that comes into the space where I live and pay bills.
It's ludicrous to think that we don't have influence as parents despite the ideas, thoughts, perceptions that a 14 year old CHILD has adopted. They form their own ideas! Great! They can change! And life experience is sure to bring that to pass. As a 43 year old I've formed many thoughts and opinions......it would be DUMB if I'm not open to listening and learning.....and sometimes changing! So to whomever said there's nothng you can do to change what's already been formed in his heart of hearts.....just, NO!
Several discussions should be had. Museums may not be as effective as a few heart to hearts concerning esteem, the world we live in, peer pressure and acceptance, individuality etc.
Also, meet the friend and take the phone except and unless it's needed!
Shameful to think peers can influence children to behave in ways contrary to their upbringing but for parents there's nothng you can do, they are who they are. Really??:
ETA: glad to see after going back and re-reading, that some measure of parental influence was advised.Geez
Sadly, its quite normal nowadays to make extremely politically incorrect jokes and memes (people pretty much try to one up each other), It's not just teens, i see men of all walks of life sharing these.
My ex would share the most cringeworthy stuff through private messages but in and out of uniform he was respectful to all walks of life. So, really, i think more than looking at what he sends, try to see how he acts towards others.
BTW I'm not saying its acceptible, i hate it. Its disgusting and not funny to me but soooo common on the internet. The people behind the offensive materials are cowards, they would never say such thing to someones face.
Back in the 80s my friends and I passed around a series of books called 'Truly Tasteless Jokes' that made fun of minorities, contained joke concerning violence against babies, and all kinds of truly disgusting and offensive material.
My friends and I were all decent people, respectful in all of our dealings with people, and helpful to strangers, etc. But we reveled in the shock value.
I would watch his actual behavior, but realize that being entertainled by offensive memes may well just be a phase.
Oh, everyone had those joke books. They were our "contraband" when I was in elementary and middle school.
Yeah, pretty awful. It was just kids being callous.
Because this can go either way so easily, I really do think that's why a family therapist should be involved. The OP is freaked out, so a therapist could either help put her fears to rest if this is just normal teenage crap OR offer a blueprint for addressing any actual problems if it's not normal.
I'd say most of the teen boys I knew who went through this phase grew out of it. But the ones who didn't don't have very happy or functional lives from what I can tell. One dude just got himself unfriended on FB by pretty much everyone we went to high school with. Almost 40 years old, and he never moved past that stage. For him, it wasn't a stage, but a manifestation of his alienation and anger. For others it was just a way to push the envelope and rebel a little. The OP should try to figure out what the case is for her son. I would add though that the guy that got unfriended appears (I was never his friend, so I'm going on limited evidence) to have come from a VERY dysfunctional family situation.
I have a 14 year old, this is what they do, with the exception of the racist stuff. I would not tolerate the racism, but the vulgar, crude, offensive stuff, that's what teenagers do...
Not even an hour after getting his phone back, he was back to it, even though he KNEW you would check his phone.
Time to find that family therapist.
Exactly! Take his phone away. There is no reason for him to have it. He obviously doesn't understand what he is doing is wrong. Time to see a family therapist, and not let your son hang out with this new kid.
I would take his phone away. Not so much as a punishment but for his own good. All this stuff that goes into the electronic cloud is not private. It can be called back at any time. He isn't responsible enough to have his own phone. Some day this stuff may keep him from getting into college, getting or keeping a good job, elongate a prison sentence, land him in a mental ward or put a lid on advancing in his career. Nothing should go into the electronic cloud that he doesn't want publicized about himself someday.
There's a vast difference between borderline things that may be offensive to some and making jokes about rapes and Nazis. I don't see how people just brush this away. It's serious. And, these kinds of things can come back to haunt you - there are stories everyday about poeple doing and saying stupid and harmful things and getting burned - the man who made fun of the little black boy, the senator from Arizona's sons (Jeff Flake I think), the two guys who ran a coffee shop but had a sexist, pro-rape podcast (they're out of biz now), etc. And no one cares when this stuff is splashed all over social media if the person says "oh, they're just kids/they're young"/"it's just a joke." It's not a joke. When we start normalizing this kind of behaviour and talk, things get bad. You need to make every effort to make clear to your son that this is unacceptable and will not be tolerated in your house, when he goes away to college, in his job, etc. Who knows, the other kid could post this stuff on social media without your son's consent. If you think clearly racist and rape is funny, you're the problem. I don't care if you're 15 or 51. And we wonder why there are so many stories of frat rape, date rape, church burnings, etc. Parents, teach your children well.
How much experience have you had with 14 year old boys? I recently found a CD that I burned when I was a teenager. Truly, it was pretty bad.
And, I don't think its a generational thing either. In cleaning out my grandparents place, I saw some stuff left by family members (uncles or parent) when they went off to college, and there was a lot of stuff in a similar vein, this from the 1960s-70s. I'm sure if my grandparents had seen it they would have had a cow.
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yep rep!
