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I've seen quite a few things on the forum about sleepovers - most are positive. The WSJ even had an excellent article on the benefits of allowing your kids fun-filled sleepovers.
About a week ago, my 12-yr-old daughter had a sleepover with two friends and I caught them sneaking out at 1 am. I sleep quite heavy and it was only by luck that I got up to check on them.
Of course, my daughter is grounded with all privileges revoked. I'm extremely disappointed and shudder to think of what lies ahead (if she was ballsy enough to try this at 12).
Anyway, in speaking with other parents, they've told me how they are sleepovers are monitored and that everyone is in bed as they should be. Others have told me that when they allow their kids to sleep at other kids' homes, they know the parents, etc. Great tips (in theory).
I also have been chatting with some of my son's friends about sleepovers (13, 14 yrs old) and a couple said that "of course" they always sneak out. They emphasized that they never do anything bad, they just walk the neighborhoods all night. I asked about town curfews (11pm) and they said they know the pattern of the patrol cars, so they just evade them. I should add that these are really, nice funny kids and I know their parents. The parents are excellent (and one of them is one that assured me they KNOW their kid is in bed).
I was talking to my husband about this and he also said "why is that surprising - we always snuck out." And he went on to tell me some wild stories. LOL. (This was never even a possibility for me because in Miami, all windows had iron bars and there were buzzers on doors that would ring if opened.)
On a slightly different note, I advised a parent a couple of years ago to check her son's iTouch because we didn't have parental controls turned on our WiFi and when I went into my son's room, the kids looked a bit suspicious. I'd just wanted to give her a head's up and I hoped they hadn't seen anything they shouldn't have. She laughed and said not to worry that her son "would never, never access anything forbidden. He knows better." Her son later told my son that in fact, he accesses all kinds of stuff at his own home.
The point of this post is:
1) Do most parents delude themselves into thinking that I've raised my child so well they would NEVER do that?
2) Do sleepovers for teens lead to all kinds of things that are out of our control?
BTW, I am a firm believer that a great foundation will follow kids and have them make better decisions when faced with influences, etc. However, no kid is programmed to perfection.
I was a pretty good kid/innocent. The worst things that happened at a sleep over?
1. We snuck out to play truth or dare. Someone had to run around in their underwear through the sprinklers or something similarly silly
2. Once I went to a sleepover with some "unknown" people. That was weird, they weren't my usual friend. Someone wanted to try huffing or sniffing spray paint or whatever the dumb activity was at the time. Well, I thought it was dumb and illogical, I abstained, and didn't have a sleepover with them again.
3. In high school we had a sleepover at a hotel. (Friends mom worked at a hotel) Did not tell my mom there were boys and alcohol (one friend had a 21 year-old boyfriend). We watched movies, some people had Zima and wine coolers. I tried one, didn't like it. And didn't drink again until I was 21. I think the heaviest drinker had 2 or 3. There were like 6 people and we finished 2 packs of wine coolers in the course of the evening. Everyone spent the night at the hotel and we all left the next morning after going out for breakfast. Still haven't told my mom this one, but obviously it wasn't all that horrible. No one got drunk at the party.
Now here is the deal, it really depends on your kid. Some kids will be in the presense of the "bad" stuff and still abstain. This was me. I didn't really get the point, so I didn't do it, even if the people around me did. I wasn't easily convinced to go out of my box. The question is, does your kid give into peer pressure or not? And what have you taught them. If they know the "right" thing to do and how you will react if they do the "wrong" thing, then you have less to worry about.
Mose kids will try to drink early. The important thing is to tell them not to, and to make it abundantly clear that under no circumstances do they get behind the wheel or in the car with someone who has been drinking. That they should call you, and not worry about the consequences to ride home safely.
I went to dozens of sleepovers, and these were the worst things that happened. Most of the time we learned new dance moves, told scary stores, played board games and watched movies.
I don't think I'd have my child go over someone else's house without knowing the parent.
I'm not saying I wouldn't be disappointed if something like that were to happen, like sneaking out, but I wouldn't be surprised.
I've seen quite a few things on the forum about sleepovers - most are positive. The WSJ even had an excellent article on the benefits of allowing your kids fun-filled sleepovers.
About a week ago, my 12-yr-old daughter had a sleepover with two friends and I caught them sneaking out at 1 am. I sleep quite heavy and it was only by luck that I got up to check on them.
Of course, my daughter is grounded with all privileges revoked. I'm extremely disappointed and shudder to think of what lies ahead (if she was ballsy enough to try this at 12).
Anyway, in speaking with other parents, they've told me how they are sleepovers are monitored and that everyone is in bed as they should be. Others have told me that when they allow their kids to sleep at other kids' homes, they know the parents, etc. Great tips (in theory).
I also have been chatting with some of my son's friends about sleepovers (13, 14 yrs old) and a couple said that "of course" they always sneak out. They emphasized that they never do anything bad, they just walk the neighborhoods all night. I asked about town curfews (11pm) and they said they know the pattern of the patrol cars, so they just evade them. I should add that these are really, nice funny kids and I know their parents. The parents are excellent (and one of them is one that assured me they KNOW their kid is in bed).
I was talking to my husband about this and he also said "why is that surprising - we always snuck out." And he went on to tell me some wild stories. LOL. (This was never even a possibility for me because in Miami, all windows had iron bars and there were buzzers on doors that would ring if opened.)
On a slightly different note, I advised a parent a couple of years ago to check her son's iTouch because we didn't have parental controls turned on our WiFi and when I went into my son's room, the kids looked a bit suspicious. I'd just wanted to give her a head's up and I hoped they hadn't seen anything they shouldn't have. She laughed and said not to worry that her son "would never, never access anything forbidden. He knows better." Her son later told my son that in fact, he accesses all kinds of stuff at his own home.
The point of this post is:
1) Do most parents delude themselves into thinking that I've raised my child so well they would NEVER do that?
2) Do sleepovers for teens lead to all kinds of things that are out of our control?
BTW, I am a firm believer that a great foundation will follow kids and have them make better decisions when faced with influences, etc. However, no kid is programmed to perfection.
Thoughts?
So because your kid snuck out, anyone who doesn't have that experience must be deluding themselves?
Sleepovers for teens do not necessarily "lead to all kinds of things that are out of our control". The nature of being a teen will in some cases lead even good teens to act in ways that are beyond their parents control. Some of these things may happen at sleepovers, some may happen at school, some may even happen at church youth group (don't ask me how I know this ).
Best thing is to know your teen, know their friends, have good and open communication with everyone and clear rules of what is acceptable and what the consequences are (those expectations should have been quite clear from the time they were very young anyway). After that, you just hope/pray for the best. You can't alleviate all poor decisionmaking....you can only hedge your bets.
I'm in charge of my niece a lot. She'll have sleep overs all the time at her house when I'm there. She's only 11 but I think it really comes down to will power. Maybe because I'm still generally young there's no way they'd make it by me. Aside from the alarm that gets armed every night.
I think you daughter just needs to realize the dangers that lurk outside late at night..
I must not have been clear in my post. I gave the example that my daughter sneaking out opened the conversation with other people about sleepovers (and other things teens do on other occasions).
The point is that many kids admit to sneaking out and the parents swear up and down that no kid could ever pull a fast one on them.
I then also gave the example of a kid viewing porn on his iTouch when the parent said she wasn't worried about it because the kid "knew better" and understood the consequences so he'd never do such a thing.
When you talk to kids and find out what they're actually doing, it doesn't come close to what parents think is going on.
I can already see in just a few posts people thinking no one could pull a fast one (and really: "I'm young" so this wouldn't happen???).
Once kids get in their teens, or in your case a 12 yr. old, all bets are off. You can't ever assume that "your child would never do this or that" or "they know better than that". Yes, they do know better, but between peer pressure, hormones, and never thinking they will ever get caught, they will do things you never thought they would. I think I would talk to my daughter if I were you and tell her that trust is very important, and if she cannot do the right thing, she can no longer have sleep-over's or go to them either. I never once was at a sleepover where we left the house. I'd give he one more chance and if she cannot stick to the rules then she has lost that priviledge period.
I hosted and went to many, many sleepovers when I was a kid/teen and I have no recollection of ever sneaking out. Not everyone does that. My daughter is a bit younger than yours so we haven't gone through any sneaking out on her part. We live in a large city, so maybe it's not as common here. Although, I grew up in a suburban area and didn't sneak out. I remember going to sleepovers and being outside during the evening with the friends, but once in we were in.
I think you daughter just needs to realize the dangers that lurk outside late at night..
Which are…
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