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You might be onto something here. When we left the Civil Rights Museum, he said he felt ashamed to be white.
Yeah, that's not the desired goal of a trip to the Civil Rights Museum.
Y'all need to find a family therapist, not as much for the texts as for his self-image issues, the friendship challenges and the family dynamic as a whole.
Book Lover,
Take the phone away and don't give it back.
He has no good reason to have a phone at 14 anyway. Seriously.
You really have to keep him very busy at his age.
14 is tough. Really tough.
I used to say put your kids in day care when they are little and hire a
babysitter for them when they are teens.
Try to find him a paying job some where. That's what I did.
I volunteered my teens for everything, from cutting grass, cleaning cars, anything.
Besides school work, he should be working his butt off.
And the most important thing is this- SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, and MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.
If you put conditions on something, follow through with it.
You can't be mad at a teen for not following through when his parents don't follow through
whit anything. It's says you really do't care that much.
Good Luck to you.
I sure don't envy those tough teen years, I was exhausted.
If you want him to still have a phone, perhaps take away his smart phone and get him a crappy flip phone. It seems like a good punishment for abusing his smart phone, imo. I guarantee if you do that it will make a big impression on him.
It certainly isn't the main issue, but "I don't know" is an unacceptable answer from a 14 year old, in the context of the questions that you would be asking.
no matter what punishment you lay down he is going to do and think what he feels is right. there is nothing you can do to change how he perceives life. If he changes he will only do it for himself. You can tell him your thoughts on the subject but thats about as much persuasion as you can offer. ultimately hes going to do what he wants to do and there isn't much that can be done about that short of brainwashing him
I just don't get how some responders think this is ok, normal, do it all the time, etc. It's not normal or acceptable to make racist jokes and rape jokes. the more you make light of it the worse it will be
Of course he feels like just an awful person. His whole life, you guilt-tripped him and pounded that into his head with all your trips to the Civil Rights Museum, Schindler's List, Mississippi Burning, etc...the common denominator of which is that heterosexual White males like him ARE AWFUL.
You lectured him to respect women, minorities, etc...but did you ever teach him to respect HIMSELF - first & foremost???
Love & respect for others all begins at home - with self-love. And I think that's the one area you neglected - and left him to now somehow find it on his own.
Excellent! I agree, his symptoms sound rooted in low self esteem
Kids at that age have ONE preoccupation >>>being accepted by peers.
I would say your son is trying desperately to "fit in" with a group of little potential criminals.
This is a worry, for sure.
Not so much the N=words and all, but his desire to fit in with such filth. What sort of school is he at?
On the other hand - if you'd never abused his privacy in that way, you would never have known so - be careful what you snoop for.
I actually think YOU are more in the wrong than your son. You've just taught him he has no right to privacy nor his own thoughts on various matters.
I was all with you until your last two sentences. Not quite sure there is a right to privacy at 14. It is a developing age and some snooping is necessary at times. How do we guide them? Help them make the right choices? Guide them to the better paths? As parents have to be there to teach them things. If we see something going wrong we at least have to try to fix it. My job as a parent was to raise a responsible, independent adult. Teenage years they are trying to figure things out, be cool. Yes, I snooped when necessary.
I am really happy I had teenagers before the cell phone era. I remember having sketchy kids try to befriend my sons. When they called on the old fashion landline I would just say they were not home. 13-14 seems to be the age when kids start to think the bad kids are cool. I did everything in my power to stop that. I remember my own self at 13, my parents had switched me to a public school. I knew I was hanging out with the wrong girls, I hoped every night we would move. And we did move and I started all over again making better choices. I always told my sons if they felt they were in the wrong crowd, we could change schools.
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