10 yr old refuses to wash hair (legal, toddler, activity, married)
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Seriously? Did you know that a child/adolescent having ZERO autonomy over their own body is a type of sexual, physical and emotional abuse and damages the child as such?!?!
What's with all this sexual abuse talk? This is not the first time you brought it up. Do you have some expertise in this?
Quote:
Originally Posted by pkbab5
Children need to be taught how to make decisions. Exactly.
No where in your post are you demonstrating that you are teaching your children how to make important decisions. You are making all of the important decisions for them.
Think about if you were teaching your child to play the piano, and you placed their fingers for them on a song, over and over, on the keyboard, and after 100 times let them try to play it themselves. If it were an easy song (Twinkle Twinkle), they will probably be able to do it. If it is a difficult piece which requires thought and emotion (Rachmaninoff), they will not be able to do it. Because they never had to think about it, to internalize it, because you moved their fingers for them. In order to teach them the complex pieces, you have to let them play the pieces, making mistakes, practicing over and over to get it right.
Same with decision making. Sure if you hold their hands all their childhood they will be able to make the easy decisions, like what to wear, because you let them practice those. But the harder decisions that require thought and introspection, they will have had ZERO practice making those decisions, and when they are adults, those decisions will have consequences. Serious consequences.
It is much more instructional to the child to let them make horrible decisions at age 10, where the consequence is that their classmates tell them their hair is stinky, maybe someone makes fun of them, maybe a teacher sends a note home about proper hygiene. You sit down with them after and talk about their actions with them, and the consequences they experienced, and use the experience to teach them how to predict consequences of their actions, how to weigh pros and cons, how to make significant decisions. You let them practice making significant decisions. Then when they are 22 and going to their first professional job and deciding how to care for their hair to make a good impression on management, they've already practiced making the decision before. They know how to MAKE a good decision, not just abide by one.
From your post it sounds as if your kids, when they get out from under your roof, will have NO IDEA WHY it may be a bad idea to be into emo, goth, and drugs. Only that they were not allowed. Once they are 18 and you parents are out of the picture, there will be no immediate consequences that they have any knowledge of. So they may go out and get into emo, goth, and drugs, and fail out of that really good college that they got into by blindly following your rules.
If you care about your kids' happiness as adults, you will teach them before it's too late. However if all you care about is being obeyed in your own house, by all means keep doing what you're doing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Siggy20
Pkbab, I think you are being spectacularly unfair in your responses to several posters although you do have good taste in music (Rachmaninoff reference ....this we can agree upon). I think that the poster you responded to does give their children freedom but there are certain rules of the household that are to be followed. Their kids do have some automony in what they wear, what they do, what the read, what they eat, etc. More freedom is given as the kids get older. Sounds reasonable to me. Implying that their kids will grow up to be emotional cripples is quite unjustified. I think you are grasping at straws to support your point. I get that you are selfless in your parenting. So are the rest of the posters here on this thread. We are all doing our best and each family has their own unique parenting style. For the most part if kids are in a loving stable home, are taught good values, they will turn out fine. Some households are strict, some are more relaxed. There isn't the perfect solution and each family finds what is right for them. Of course some households may cross the line and scar children for life ( abusive households for instance) but I don't see any indications of that here on this thread.
I'm still of the belief in setting boundaries. Hygiene is one of those things that I emphasize. Also keeping your room relatively picked up. ( since we are talking hygiene topics). That is my household. But as you say, kids should be allowed to fail as well and be given some latitude. I agree that's things should not be so regimented that kids are stifled. There must be balance. As my kids get older, I'm giving them much more freedom. My best friend always tells me, "Let them fail. Better to learn now then when you are an adult with harsher consequences." And my kids are living with some of those consequences. a bit more as I back off. I'm always fighting the school dress code with DD. This year I'm taking a more relaxed approach and sure enough she got a dress code violation. The result? A 3 hour Friday night detention and a stern warning from the school. Since then, she doesn't press it. Consequences. This year, even though she isn't the best of students, she worked very hard to keep the grades up for a big class trip. I was proud of her that she is showing initiative, making good decisions, and is reflecting on her actions so much more. Teaching kids is a continual process and we all do this in different ways.
Anyway, my two cents. As posters though, I think it is important to be respectful of differing parenting strategies and not jump to conclusions on such a tiny bit of information presented.
To pkab5: If I had a dime for every time I were told on this forum and on the ed forum in particular, that my kids were going to end up under a bridge because I didn't agree with a certain post, I could take us all out to lunch! (Well, maybe if I had a $10 bill for each instance). I'm appalled at these predictions that if you don't parent a certain person's way, and exactly that way, your kid will come to no good end. There's more than one path to take to get to the same place. Surprisingly, by 18, most kids, whether their parents were strict or lenient, can take care of themselves pretty well. I especially disagree with the stuff I've bolded. BTW, my kids were grown when I joined CD.
Incredible that there is page after page addressing this "problem". Your gifted little darling has probably made issues out of numerous directives from you, not just this.
I will state unequivocally that you are a poor parent. Nobody can turn you into the strong mother/parent/adult you need to be. That is obvious because you have to ask advice from the Internet.
Taking away items is the only thing you did correctly and already you are wanting to cave.
You will cave every time and have before. Take away stuff and toss it. It is gone. You have no rules or boundary's and it will be hard to set them now, impossible later.
Doesn't wash her hair then she does not attend school. There are hygiene rules and if there are not then you have some do you not? Miss Gifted can sit in her room until August or longer. She needs to learn you are the authority. Period. You are not her pal. It seems you do not actually love her either.
It was amazing to see how many posted bad advice for you as if this were some diplomatic conference or million dollar deal in business. I will tell you that you are a problem and you are raising a problem. You may think it is kind of cute but in a few years you are going to turn her loose on the rest of us who must deal with spoiled children raised by ignorant parents every day. Let her have her way and she will go into the world someday and find out there are some out there that are not so kind. Then again she may skate through life unscathed but she will, as I said, be skating over the rest of us. Thank you, yet another parent of no-spine or skill, for another kid/adult. You are not an adult yourself so she knows not what one is. Odds are good that if you own a dog it is untrained and obnoxious.
A 10 year old and you cannot deal with her! 10 years old and you are confused, needing advice!?!? She is not gifted but only seems that way to you because you are just not very bright. In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king...
Incredible that there is page after page addressing this "problem". Your gifted little darling has probably made issues out of numerous directives from you, not just this.
I will state unequivocally that you are a poor parent. Nobody can turn you into the strong mother/parent/adult you need to be. That is obvious because you have to ask advice from the Internet.
Taking away items is the only thing you did correctly and already you are wanting to cave.
You will cave every time and have before. Take away stuff and toss it. It is gone. You have no rules or boundary's and it will be hard to set them now, impossible later.
Doesn't wash her hair then she does not attend school. There are hygiene rules and if there are not then you have some do you not? Miss Gifted can sit in her room until August or longer. She needs to learn you are the authority. Period. You are not her pal. It seems you do not actually love her either.
It was amazing to see how many posted bad advice for you as if this were some diplomatic conference or million dollar deal in business. I will tell you that you are a problem and you are raising a problem. You may think it is kind of cute but in a few years you are going to turn her loose on the rest of us who must deal with spoiled children raised by ignorant parents every day. Let her have her way and she will go into the world someday and find out there are some out there that are not so kind. Then again she may skate through life unscathed but she will, as I said, be skating over the rest of us. Thank you, yet another parent of no-spine or skill, for another kid/adult. You are not an adult yourself so she knows not what one is. Odds are good that if you own a dog it is untrained and obnoxious.
A 10 year old and you cannot deal with her! 10 years old and you are confused, needing advice!?!? She is not gifted but only seems that way to you because you are just not very bright. In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king...
Judge and jury? I think the OP is a good parent, although inexperienced with pre-teen behavior. We all learn along with our kids. Most of us learn what is worth making a big deal over, and what isn't. This definitely isn't.
I have nothing to add in the way of advice, because I never dealt with such an issue with our kids, but COMMEND you for trying to do the right thing by your daughter.....too bad we can buy a $30 DVD these days that comes with an instruction manual in 8 different languages, yet the MOST important job we have (raising our kids) and there is NOTHING in the way of guidance..... Best of luck momma!!!!
Ugh! I hate John Rosemond. I don't believe children have a *sin nature.* There are a few things he says I agree with, but honestly, his ideas on some things are just off the wall. He doesn't believe ADHD exists. His unilaterally rosy past did not exist, nor does his unilaterally monolithic parenting present. We cannot wish the social changes of the world away. We need to adapt our parenting to the way the world is not the way John Rosemond thinks it was.
I hate his ideas also. He reminds me of Dobson. Ugghh!!!
I hate his ideas also. He reminds me of Dobson. Ugghh!!!
He once appeared on Dobson's show. I rather like both of them, but Rosemond especially. That's not to say I agree with everything he says, and people do have the right to parent their way, but I really identify with his core principles. For one, everyone I've ever seen that makes their home child-centered ends up divorced or teetering on the edge of it because their marriage isn't receiving enough attention, and for another I always was told as a child that the grown-ups are the ones to make the decisions and now that I'm grown I'm sure not going to go along with someone changing the rules of the game.
I will say, with respect to the original issue, this little "side story" of my own. I don't think it's a big deal if a girl doesn't look like Barbie Doll every minute. My mother & I bicker about this sometimes, she thinks it's borderline "neglect"--yes, neglect--for me to not spend half the day fixing up my daughter's hair with bows and such. Me, as long as it's washed/dried and decently combed and she seems happy and not subject to a lot of teasing etc, I think that's good enough. I don't mind a more "fancied up" look and in fact I rather like it, but day-to-day I don't think I have to "girl her up" like she's entering a Barbie Boll contest to be a decent parent.
While I am very big on a child doing as they're told, and I don't think a child has inherent rights of "body autonomy" at age 10 beyond not being beaten or molested etc, I don't see a problem with TASTE entering into a discussion. Our girl once asked about having earrings. For some reason my wife doesn't like them, yet to me our girl, at age 8, is old enough for them, and if she wants to "girl herself up" that way, why not? That my wife isn't into jewelry and such, that doesn't mean that our daughter has to photocopy her mother/my wife's preferences, and I'm trying to get my wife/her mother to be okay with it. I actually respect our girl's tastes that way, I kind of rather figure she should have some "autonomy" that way.
However, I don't go against my wife and let our daughter get them anyway, even if I see no problem with it myself, because if it comes down to my wife's preferences being ignored as her mother, vs an 8 year old's tastes not being respected enough, I'm going with #2 because my marriage/wife comes first. It doesn't mean I don't CARE how our daughter feels, but my wife comes first, even if she's perhaps wrong in this way.
In this case with the original poster, though, it's a matter of hygiene, not a matter of jewelry "taste" so much, and to me it's a non-negotiable--your hair will be washed, one way or the other.
My 10 yr old daughter has been refusing to wash her hair. She will shower and put a very small amount of shampoo on the top of her head and allow it to wash off. However, she refuses to actually wash her hair via rubbing the shampoo into her hair. As a result, the tope of her hair looks greasy and disgusting from the moment she steps out of the shower.
I asked my daughter why she likes her hair greasy. Response was 1) so her fine hair lays flatter than it already is and 2) it is easier to put into a bun for dance.
Last night I drew the line and insisted she re-wash her hair. She looked at me and calmly said 'no'. OMG. I told her she would lose her phone, kindle and TV. She said 'I don't care'. I sent her to her room. She didn't care.
She utterly refuses to wash her hair. Advice? Do I stubbornly continue to enforce the takeaways? Or give in under the idea of choosing my battles? This child is gifted in intelligence and normal in every other way. She's just brutally stubborn. BTW - I am a single parent so there's no backup to help me.
Trust me, your daughter will care if you take away her phone, tv, kindle, and any other enjoyable thing she has or does. I dont mean just threatening to take them away or only taking them away for a day or two. Take them away until she washes her hair.
Personally, Id recommend putting a belt on her back side in addition to taking away those possession things.
She needs to understand disrespect is not tolerated and that you are the adult / parent.
I'm going with 'it's not the hill I want to die on'. I think her dirty hair is disgusting, but I'm just going to overlook it and hope her peers pressure her to change. I would not cut it against her wishes - that seems cruel.
Now I need to figure out a way to save face when I told her she needed to wash it or she won't get her technology back. I think I will tell her I reconsidered, and will allow her to keep her hair dirty but a shower is expected. However, for her backtalk, she loses technology and TV until Sunday.
Thank you!
SMH
OP you have bigger issues her than the simple washing of hair.
Your daughter thinks it is ok to tell you NO and I DONT CARE.
Who is the parent in this household?
Please for the love of God, instill some respect in your daughter. If not Lord help you when she becomes a teenager.
That is not what anyone is saying....but I don't buy something for myself if it meant my daughter didn't have her needs met.
We didn't go out to eat if I couldn't buy her what she wanted at the resturant.....I saw too many parents that would eat a nice steak and bring their child an pb&j or make them order off the kids menu. I don't buy a $700 coat and by not purchase a warm jacket for her.
And do let us know how not teaching your child to have respect for herself and how to make good choices over her body works for you.
If one has a child they are not a puppet to control or the enemy to vanquish....they are another living person to guide and help grow and to love and support. If you go into the entire idea of parenthood with 'parent v. child' then you've already failed.
What is wrong with kids ordering off the kids menu?
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....this we can agree upon). I think that the poster you responded to does give their children freedom but there are certain rules of the household that are to be followed. Their kids do have some automony in what they wear, what they do, what the read, what they eat, etc. More freedom is given as the kids get older. Sounds reasonable to me. Implying that their kids will grow up to be emotional cripples is quite unjustified. I think you are grasping at straws to support your point. I get that you are selfless in your parenting. So are the rest of the posters here on this thread. We are all doing our best and each family has their own unique parenting style. For the most part if kids are in a loving stable home, are taught good values, they will turn out fine. Some households are strict, some are more relaxed. There isn't the perfect solution and each family finds what is right for them. Of course some households may cross the line and scar children for life ( abusive households for instance) but I don't see any indications of that here on this thread.
Incredible
Best of luck momma!!!!
