Teen Drama ramping up.... (teens, support, toddler, pregnant)
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I have a wonderful talented intelligent 16 year old who is the light of my life, but she is making me crazy with her drama queen ways!
She just got home and started on a loud angry rant about various bits of school business...basically in a lather whenever things don't go her way. She's a successful kid, but pretty paranoid, so no one had dare talk about her behind her back, yet she feels free to critique others. Clearly her opinion is the only one that counts! She is so offended when someone else has the nerve to want what she wants! She has some leadership roles at school but is pretty bossy and demanding and rude at times, with no apparent clue that that is not the best way to lead.
So she's furiously ranting about how stupid everyone else is and has no clue how incredibly self-centered she sounds. If I make any attempt to point this out to her, she takes it out on me, blames me for yelling at her, then cries because I don't care. Well, of course I care about her bad day, but I don't feel right about unconditionally supporting her self-centeredness. And I'd like to turn down the volume on the drama if I have to listen to it for an hour...not feel as if I'm the one getting yelled at! It's as if the ranting itself becomes more important than whatever she is ranting about.
I tend to internalize strong feelings. When I was 16 I had no adult to talk to. I would never have shared my day with my parents nor would I get so angry about such minor issues (I don't ever remember being that angry about school stuff...in general my expectations were much lower and I kept a lower profile in school) Because she is so busy blaming others, she'll never take responsibility for her own feelings and actions.
So, let's not talk about how "Well, Duh, Stagemomma, teens are self centered"
Does anyone have actual strategies for guiding a teen to be a little more aware that her peers are NOT going to want everything to go HER way, because that isn't necessarily in their own best interest? What do I SAY to her to derail the rant and help her get to the heart of her feelings? How do I acknowledge her feelings and help her move on to considering what might be changed?
To me, negative feelings are a sign that something needs to change. Am I wrong about that?
My kids are still in elementary school so feel free to roll your eyes cause I probably don't know what I'm talking about, but here goes.
As a former dramatic and insecure teenager I think about what my mother could have done differently and here's the only thing I can think of. I wish that she had spoken to me often and when I wasn't having a drama moment about how other people feel, about trying to see things through their eyes. I don't know if it actually ever would have helped but I know that when I was a dramatic mess I was only thinking about myself, and some sick part of me probably fed on all the attention my bratty self was getting. So my only advice would be to speak often about the lives of other people, challenges they face, why they may react the way they do, etc.
Oh and I don't think there's much wrong with telling your 16yr old that she's acting self centered, as long as it isn't screamed in anger but in a calm way I think sometimes we need to hear the harsh reality.
It's a very fine line to walk between understanding and guidance because sometimes all you really want is someone to hear you out and maybe offer a sign that they can relate.
In fact, my husband bugs me when he immediately goes into "correction" mode without offering any understanding. For example, if I complain about someone annoying me, he'll say something like, "Well, I'm sure she meant well." The irrational side of me believes he is siding with the object of my annoyance, even though he is not. It feels better when he starts off with, "That must have really upset you."
SO I offer this bit of advice.
After school, let her rant. Don't comment at all except for an "unh-huh" every once in a while. Let her get it out.
LATER, when the emotion has subsided, go to her and plainly say that she needs to consider the other side, that she is not the only person on earth, and that her outlook will only damage HER in the long run.
Avoid judgmental language. She is allowed to have her feelings, but the behavior is what needs correction. Ask questions that allow her to come to the proper conclusions about her behavior.
I have a wonderful talented intelligent 16 year old who is the light of my life, but she is making me crazy with her drama queen ways!
She just got home and started on a loud angry rant about various bits of school business...basically in a lather whenever things don't go her way. She's a successful kid, but pretty paranoid, so no one had dare talk about her behind her back, yet she feels free to critique others. Clearly her opinion is the only one that counts! She is so offended when someone else has the nerve to want what she wants! She has some leadership roles at school but is pretty bossy and demanding and rude at times, with no apparent clue that that is not the best way to lead.
So she's furiously ranting about how stupid everyone else is and has no clue how incredibly self-centered she sounds. If I make any attempt to point this out to her, she takes it out on me, blames me for yelling at her, then cries because I don't care. Well, of course I care about her bad day, but I don't feel right about unconditionally supporting her self-centeredness. And I'd like to turn down the volume on the drama if I have to listen to it for an hour...not feel as if I'm the one getting yelled at! It's as if the ranting itself becomes more important than whatever she is ranting about.
I tend to internalize strong feelings. When I was 16 I had no adult to talk to. I would never have shared my day with my parents nor would I get so angry about such minor issues (I don't ever remember being that angry about school stuff...in general my expectations were much lower and I kept a lower profile in school) Because she is so busy blaming others, she'll never take responsibility for her own feelings and actions.
So, let's not talk about how "Well, Duh, Stagemomma, teens are self centered"
Does anyone have actual strategies for guiding a teen to be a little more aware that her peers are NOT going to want everything to go HER way, because that isn't necessarily in their own best interest? What do I SAY to her to derail the rant and help her get to the heart of her feelings? How do I acknowledge her feelings and help her move on to considering what might be changed?
To me, negative feelings are a sign that something needs to change. Am I wrong about that?
Make a recording of her ranting then play it back to her when she blames anyone but herself for the attitude others have toward her.
My kids are still in elementary school so feel free to roll your eyes cause I probably don't know what I'm talking about, but here goes.
As a former dramatic and insecure teenager I think about what my mother could have done differently and here's the only thing I can think of. I wish that she had spoken to me often and when I wasn't having a drama moment about how other people feel, about trying to see things through their eyes. I don't know if it actually ever would have helped but I know that when I was a dramatic mess I was only thinking about myself, and some sick part of me probably fed on all the attention my bratty self was getting. So my only advice would be to speak often about the lives of other people, challenges they face, why they may react the way they do, etc.
Oh and I don't think there's much wrong with telling your 16yr old that she's acting self centered, as long as it isn't screamed in anger but in a calm way I think sometimes we need to hear the harsh reality.
Good luck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
It's a very fine line to walk between understanding and guidance because sometimes all you really want is someone to hear you out and maybe offer a sign that they can relate.
In fact, my husband bugs me when he immediately goes into "correction" mode without offering any understanding. For example, if I complain about someone annoying me, he'll say something like, "Well, I'm sure she meant well." The irrational side of me believes he is siding with the object of my annoyance, even though he is not. It feels better when he starts off with, "That must have really upset you."
SO I offer this bit of advice.
After school, let her rant. Don't comment at all except for an "unh-huh" every once in a while. Let her get it out.
LATER, when the emotion has subsided, go to her and plainly say that she needs to consider the other side, that she is not the only person on earth, and that her outlook will only damage HER in the long run.
Avoid judgmental language. She is allowed to have her feelings, but the behavior is what needs correction. Ask questions that allow her to come to the proper conclusions about her behavior.
I think both of these are valid and helpful.
Is it normal for teens to be a bit self centered? Yes - but it sounds as if your daughter is more so than is normal and if it isn't hindering her relationships now, it will in the future. Good luck helping her to work this out.
I had a son so rather drama free here. But the suggestion I was going to give has already been suggested. Wait until the rant is over and have a calm discussion regarding her behavior. The taping it also isn't a horrible idea either. She would hopefully be horrified at how she sounds. But that one could back fire as well. So I'd tread carefully there....,
Good luck.
Last edited by WhereTheSidewalkEnds; 01-27-2014 at 03:53 PM..
It's a very fine line to walk between understanding and guidance because sometimes all you really want is someone to hear you out and maybe offer a sign that they can relate.
In fact, my husband bugs me when he immediately goes into "correction" mode without offering any understanding. For example, if I complain about someone annoying me, he'll say something like, "Well, I'm sure she meant well." The irrational side of me believes he is siding with the object of my annoyance, even though he is not. It feels better when he starts off with, "That must have really upset you."
SO I offer this bit of advice.
After school, let her rant. Don't comment at all except for an "unh-huh" every once in a while. Let her get it out.
LATER, when the emotion has subsided, go to her and plainly say that she needs to consider the other side, that she is not the only person on earth, and that her outlook will only damage HER in the long run.
Avoid judgmental language. She is allowed to have her feelings, but the behavior is what needs correction. Ask questions that allow her to come to the proper conclusions about her behavior.
I think this advice is perfect. I only have sons, and the drama, if any, was minor, so I'm going on my own teenage years. Sometimes teens just want to feel as though they are being heard.
Right now she's a big fish. Her attitude towards others won't last through college.
I agree with the advice that this needs to be discussed when she isn't heated.
People are not born knowing how to deal with conflict, it is a skill that needs to be taught the same as any other. Your daughter appears to have some issues with her conflict skills.
Now to be fair, everyone should have a safe place to vent, where someone is on their side. Even if that side is irrational.
So ask her what she is looking for, is it just to vent or is to get actual advice? And as a supportive family member, you are not required to fix her problems, just hear them, so if it is only to vent, let her, with a pre-established time limit.
If you really think that besides the venting issues she has legitimate problems relating to her peers, that is a separate issue from her need to vent. Venting is normal; bossiness to the point of her peers avoiding her is not.
So ask her what she is looking for, is it just to vent or is to get actual advice? And as a supportive family member, you are not required to fix her problems, just hear them, so if it is only to vent, let her, with a pre-established time limit.
This is a good point.
You do not have to let her rail around the house all night long. There comes a point when you can say, "You have gone on about this long enough. It's time to move on to something productive."
The redirect her toward a relaxing activity just like you might have when she was a toddler.
I've got 3 daughters....32, 27 and 16, so I've been there done/doing that. Thankfully my 16 yr old is not into drama at all, so right now I'm not facing what you are.
I suggest going the library when you have some time to spend there and look at some of the books they have on teen behavior and brain development. I apologize for not remembering titles, but there are a couple who have some great things to consider in regards to teens. You can really learn a lot of things that will be helpful
For instance...home is the 'soft place to land' for most family members. It is a place where teens most often feel secure enough to let it all hang out and know they will still be loved. Additionally, rants are very often just that and nothing more. Teens are not looking for their parents to solve their problems when they are ranting, they just need that safe place to vent.
Teens are at that awkward stage where they still want to feel like kids, but also want to behave like adults and it's hard to distinguish which role to take and when for them. Therefore you might find your 16 yr old watching Dora when you come up unexpectedly only to hear she 'had to do so for Spanish class'. Or you might hear your 16 yr old intelligently discussing the local elections with a friend as she gets in the car after school when you thought she didn't even know there was an election coming up.
Add to that all the hormones rolling through - remember when you were pregnant with her and imagine her body going through some of the stuff your body went through and it might be easier to give her some slack with her emotions. lol
Anyway, there are lots of things out there that help understand teens that will give you a different outlook about the, which in turn gives you a different approach.
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