Teen Drama ramping up.... (teenage, parent, wife, daughters)

[malamute]

Also is there a monthly pattern in her diva-ness?

[adams_aj]

Let her rant and rave. Then when she calms down, ask her: "well, what are you going to do about it?".

When you can, also remind her that most people make life-long friends during High School, and college years and to do your best not to burn any bridges--you just never know!

Then there's the old gem: "acid destroys the vessel that contains it". Or the W.E.B. Dubois quote: "you must learn to look at yourself through the world's lens."

[Siggy20]

Originally Posted by malamute

I suspect she's just venting. I would suggest just calmly listening and be glad she is smart enough to vent to a parent and at home and probably isn't doing this where it could get her in trouble. One of my sons was more a drama queen than my daughter.

What is funny is that whatever it is may seem like a big deal when they are venting, they may seem so angry at someone, two days later they're best of friends with that person and act surprised that you thought they were seriously upset. Some people like to vent but also teenagers may just be getting acquainted with aggravations and social strife.

Agree with this. Consider yourself lucky that your daughter does talk to you. Mine has gone long stretches without saying anything and I find out later what is going on. As some others have said, listen to her vent and perhaps when things have settled down, have a chat with her. When I was growing up, I bottled it all inside. My poor mom especially never knew what was going on. I'm sure that made her feel a bit down since I was a closed book.

Teens can be so incredibly frustrating but at times just make you shake your head and chuckle. My daughter came home a few weeks ago ranting about a girl who makes quite a bit of trouble in class. This girl seems to have some serious issues and is receiving therapy. Listening to my daughter rant sounded like me ranting to my husband about my daughter---exact same points!! At the end of my daughter's rant, she blurted out, "I just wish that Mary listened to her therapist and did what she suggested. It is so frustrating." The moment it came out of her mouth, she got a sheepish expression on her face because this is something I've suggested to my daughter hundreds of time and we burst out laughing. (My daughter also receives therapy).

[dblackga]

One of the best things that worked for me was listening for about five minutes (about the length of a good rant) and then calmly stopping it and saying, "So -- how are you going to solve this problem?" For my kids (who weren't natural ranters), it tended to put the brakes on the emotional excess and shift gears into a more productive train of thought.

Note I said, "How are YOU going to solve the problem?" At this age, try not to step into problem-solving and telling them how to solve their problems until they have a chance to try their own solutions.

I'd be wary of allowing her prolonged rants. It's a bad habit to get into, so better to break it now. At 16, it's easy to tie everything to car privileges. :-) Frankly, with someone that prone to angry outbursts, I'd be a little concerned about her capacity for road rage and ability to make calm decisions while driving. What the heck would she do if someone accidently (or even on purpose) cut her off in traffic? A little self-control is needed, here.

Plus, I think there's a lot to be said for positive thinking, and she's gotten caught in a trap of negative thinking if she's constantly complaining about how the world treats her. She needs to understand that people generally prefer to be around positive people. One of my favorite sayings is "Pretend everyone is wearing a sign saying 'Make me feel important'." Everyone wants to feel like they matter -- and a true leader has a knack for making people feel that their efforts -- at work, at friendship, in almost any interaction -- are appreciated and valuable. Make sure you are modeling that kind of behavior for her -- make sure you aren't complaining more than you're appreciating the people around you.

And one final thing: If she thinks her life is so crappy, it might be time for a change in perspective, i.e., helping out at a homeless shelter. She's 16 with a lot of "first world problems". Time to realize that she is not the center of the universe.

[PeaceAndLove42]

Originally Posted by dblackga

One of the best things that worked for me was listening for about five minutes (about the length of a good rant) and then calmly stopping it and saying, "So -- how are you going to solve this problem?" For my kids (who weren't natural ranters), it tended to put the brakes on the emotional excess and shift gears into a more productive train of thought.

Note I said, "How are YOU going to solve the problem?" At this age, try not to step into problem-solving and telling them how to solve their problems until they have a chance to try their own solutions.

I'd be wary of allowing her prolonged rants. It's a bad habit to get into, so better to break it now. At 16, it's easy to tie everything to car privileges. :-) Frankly, with someone that prone to angry outbursts, I'd be a little concerned about her capacity for road rage and ability to make calm decisions while driving. What the heck would she do if someone accidently (or even on purpose) cut her off in traffic? A little self-control is needed, here.

Plus, I think there's a lot to be said for positive thinking, and she's gotten caught in a trap of negative thinking if she's constantly complaining about how the world treats her. She needs to understand that people generally prefer to be around positive people. One of my favorite sayings is "Pretend everyone is wearing a sign saying 'Make me feel important'." Everyone wants to feel like they matter -- and a true leader has a knack for making people feel that their efforts -- at work, at friendship, in almost any interaction -- are appreciated and valuable. Make sure you are modeling that kind of behavior for her -- make sure you aren't complaining more than you're appreciating the people around you.

And one final thing: If she thinks her life is so crappy, it might be time for a change in perspective, i.e., helping out at a homeless shelter. She's 16 with a lot of "first world problems". Time to realize that she is not the center of the universe.

This is a good point. When my daughter first started driving road rage was her middle name. If someone was driving slow in front of her she'd speed up, move to the oncoming lane just to pass them. She would tailgate a lot to and drive way to fast. Thankfully she stopped that.

[Wyllyam]

I found Queen Bees and Wannabees to be an excellent book. Three daughters, so the perspective was really helpful. She's updated the version to include social media, etc.

[JrzDefector]

Having been a dramatic teen, I think the idea of playing the recording back for her is great. I also think it's fine to say "wow" and "you don't say" until she winds herself down. Then, when she's calmed down a bit, you advise her. "Perhaps you should think about it from this angle..." or "How would you feel if someone spoke to you like that?" - force her to empathize in a way.

What you say about her being paranoid... that's a sign of anxiety and insecurity. I've been a paranoid teen and it was largely because I was stressing out or obsessing about minor issues that just seemed big. It might be time to get her into a therapist who can give her strategies for dealing with that. The lessons she needs to learn are hard ones that can be very unpleasant to learn on your own (which I wouldn't wish on anyone) and she doesn't sound very comfortable in her own skin. It may seem like she's very driven and "go-getter" but I htink she's floundering emotionally right now.

Ugh. Now I'm having flashbacks to my own teen years. I empathize OP - but you need to teach her to dial back before she burns out on her own insecurities and need to control.

[Cav Scout wife]

Originally Posted by Stagemomma

Does anyone have actual strategies for guiding a teen to be a little more aware that her peers are NOT going to want everything to go HER way, because that isn't necessarily in their own best interest? What do I SAY to her to derail the rant and help her get to the heart of her feelings? How do I acknowledge her feelings and help her move on to considering what might be changed?

To me, negative feelings are a sign that something needs to change. Am I wrong about that?

I have 3 teenage daughters, trust me; been there done that.

It's gotten so old hat at our house, when one of them goes into hyper-rant mode; I throw marshmallows at them.

It took a time or two for them to get it, but now; when the mallows fly, they know to calm down, deep breath, and chillax, THEN explain and talk and sometimes rant, but NOT at me, TO me. (HUGE difference IMO!)

Might not work for you, but can't hurt to try right?

Oh, I prefer the super HUGE ones, like these! It doesn't take a whole lot to hit what you are aiming for, and they are harder to duck, lol!

[Momma_bear]

Originally Posted by Stagemomma

I have a wonderful talented intelligent 16 year old who is the light of my life, but she is making me crazy with her drama queen ways!

She just got home and started on a loud angry rant about various bits of school business...basically in a lather whenever things don't go her way. She's a successful kid, but pretty paranoid, so no one had dare talk about her behind her back, yet she feels free to critique others. Clearly her opinion is the only one that counts! She is so offended when someone else has the nerve to want what she wants! She has some leadership roles at school but is pretty bossy and demanding and rude at times, with no apparent clue that that is not the best way to lead.

So she's furiously ranting about how stupid everyone else is and has no clue how incredibly self-centered she sounds. If I make any attempt to point this out to her, she takes it out on me, blames me for yelling at her, then cries because I don't care. Well, of course I care about her bad day, but I don't feel right about unconditionally supporting her self-centeredness. And I'd like to turn down the volume on the drama if I have to listen to it for an hour...not feel as if I'm the one getting yelled at! It's as if the ranting itself becomes more important than whatever she is ranting about.

I tend to internalize strong feelings. When I was 16 I had no adult to talk to. I would never have shared my day with my parents nor would I get so angry about such minor issues (I don't ever remember being that angry about school stuff...in general my expectations were much lower and I kept a lower profile in school) Because she is so busy blaming others, she'll never take responsibility for her own feelings and actions.

So, let's not talk about how "Well, Duh, Stagemomma, teens are self centered"

Does anyone have actual strategies for guiding a teen to be a little more aware that her peers are NOT going to want everything to go HER way, because that isn't necessarily in their own best interest? What do I SAY to her to derail the rant and help her get to the heart of her feelings? How do I acknowledge her feelings and help her move on to considering what might be changed?

To me, negative feelings are a sign that something needs to change. Am I wrong about that?

To me, negative feelings are necessary. In order for people to be healthy they have to experience negative emotions. They are normal. Not everything in life is going to be sunshine and roses and it's ok to acknowledge that.

I would listen to her and be sympathetic to her rants. I would not try to fix her problems though. I also would not get involved in her drama. Listening may be all she needs. If she asks you to help think long and hard about whether you really should help. Offer advice when asked for advice and only if asked for advice. Otherwise just listen.

What I would try to fix is her tone.

Allow her to have her rant. Allow her to feel however she feels even if you do not think her feelings are justified. She might just be looking for a place to vent. However, you do not have to listen to her yell at you and I would insist on a civil tone. Tell her that she can say whatever she wants to say and you will listen but she cannot yell at you. You will probably have to say it dozens of time before you see a change but insist on a civil tone and a reasonable volume.

Good luck.

[jasper12]

"Wow, you are 16, and realizing the world does not go according to you?....Life is not fair....that was pretty much my standard answer to teen drama...life goes on...I bought my teen daughter a book, "Reviving Ophelia", which we discussed, and she really identified with...
Reviving Ophelia - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia