My 18 yo moved out (properly, classroom, BF, party)
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According to the OP the daughter received some tickets and was not "thrown in jail". The big problem was that the 15 year old daughter was so drunk that she was belligerent towards the police officers and started a physical fight with them, shoving/pushing police officers more than once.
BTW the daughter was so drunk that she claims that she didn't even realize that she was in an actual police station. According to the OP the daughter was so drunk that she thought it was just a joke that her father was playing on her. Also, according to the OP the daughter must have blacked out or was so drunk that she doesn't even remember fighting with the police officers at the police station.
Even in Florida, I suspect that an extremely drunk teenager (drunk to the point that they may have had a black out) actually shoving and pushing a police officer would receive a ticket (or much worse). Also, many/most states are much stricter on underage drinking. In my area an underage drinker normally gets arrested.
She may have not expected her own parent taking her to the police station that even had she been sober, she might have thought It must be some joke. Previous parental reactions were probably very mild so she just never dreamed a parent would really crack down.
I think cops go easier on pretty cheerleaders than they do for certain males doing the same things if a 15 year old male from the inner city shoved the cop, he'd be thrown in jail but also here the parents were with her and obviously concerned so she got off easy and could be taken home.
That 15 year old coming home drunk form a party says a lot about what she has gained in growing up in judgement :IMO. If I had a 15 year old come home drunk it wouldn't be the school that stopped her cheerleading activity;I and wife would do it.Parents just have to get use to do what is best for their children even if they say I don't love you. in time most will appreciate or blame you for not teaching them that their are rules and consequences for breaking them.
In my state, which is pretty strict on teen drinking, you have to have 3 offenses to get arrested for drinking. Maybe because the father was involved they assumed it was more of a habitual problem. I do feel for you, it's hard for teens to see a difference in themselves compared to an adult. Our society sends kids mixed messages on drinking, while we enjoy it freely on tv shows and in person, they are limited until a certain age. A lot of parents allow their kids to drink as well, giving other kids the feeling that it's ok and not that big of a deal. Not much you can do now but sit and wait it out. You've done all you can. It will pass.
The 1st daughter is just doing what young adults do, it is hard to watch but she will get through it. She may just lose a year or two but it might help her realize a solid direction after she's made some of her own mistakes. The hard part is watching them make mistakes you know about already but that's why parenting is hard. You will always feel this way, even when they are in their 30's, 40's. Best to occupy yourself with something and try not to pay to much attention until she's back on your doorstep begging for a second chance. Second chances usually turn out better than the first jump. Not many people make a successful "first jump" into society on their own. So she seems pretty normal to me.
I think the most important thing you can do is take up a hobby to relieve your own stress. View stress and anxiety in a healthy way, a call to action. Let your adult daughter fall a couple of times and realize that the age of 18 to about 25 is full of stumbles and falls. It's just like learning to walk, you have to fall. At least she is brave enough to try it. That is a good sign, better at predicting her eventual success than if she was to afraid to take a chance. It's just hard to watch so don't watch. She knows where to find you.
Aw, parents just have so much to look forward to, lol
Handling the ole hubby is probably more challenging in reality. Sounds like he watches to many movies, they always take the kid to the station in the movie, wink at the cop, and scare the kid to teach a minor lesson. To bad this is real life.
True. Even when I was in high school I thought raising the very popular kids like the top jocks and cheerleaders would be harder to raise. They have more peer pressure on them but also can get too big for their britches from all the admiration they are given. Teachers like them, coaches like them, other kids admire them, they are expected to be the life of every party.
Little kids are easy to raise because the parents and family are the only influence, teenagers have all kinds of other influences. As kids get older, the parent has less control and there are more outside influences and the kid's free will. A lot of parents can be caught off guard and they need time to readjust to things they did not do or plan on.
I have to agree with you malamute. My "superstar" daughter was much more difficult to raise. She had many so called friends who kind of became her pseudo family. They protected her and took the place of her real family. We lost our influence as parents. When she asked them for advice, they told her what she wanted to hear, NOT what she needed to hear from us. Many parents may secretly dream of having the popular, beautiful, athletic, artistic, intelligent teen but from my experience I had a much easier time raising my shyer teens.
I would also encourage the Tiger Mom's of today to lighten up on your kids. What we are seeing with a lot of them are nervous breakdown's which manifests itself in acting out. When we sign them up for multiple AP classes, have them in sports, music, cheerleading, part time jobs, chores at home, etc. That's way too much pressure. Plus we put on them the pressure of getting high scores to get into college. It makes me have anxiety just thinking about it. Sometimes our ego's get wrapped in some of this so we need to check our motives behind some of our parenting choices.
From Ivory's post I am drawing the conclusion that DD#1 is 100% dependent on her boyfriend. So if the boyfriend leaves her, she is screwed, and guess where she will be next? Driving up to Ivory's doorstep in her parent's car. It's never good to be 100% dependent on someone.
From Ivory's post I am drawing the conclusion that DD#1 is 100% dependent on her boyfriend. So if the boyfriend leaves her, she is screwed, and guess where she will be next? Driving up to Ivory's doorstep in her parent's car. It's never good to be 100% dependent on someone.
I think it might be a mistake to rely on Ivory's depiction of her 18 year old.
From Ivory's post I am drawing the conclusion that DD#1 is 100% dependent on her boyfriend. So if the boyfriend leaves her, she is screwed, and guess where she will be next? Driving up to Ivory's doorstep in her parent's car. It's never good to be 100% dependent on someone.
This is my concern. Dd#1 has never held a job and, as far as I know, has run through what was in her bank account (she had a couple thousand from graduation). She is 100% dependent on her boyfriend and his parents....though she seems to like to stop by for lunch with dh here. I find it interesting that she tells me he's the reason she moved out yet she comes by to have lunch with him most days. I'm thinking she was just looking for an excuse to move in with her boyfriend.
I do not like that she is totally dependent on someone else. Fortunately, her BF seems to be a good guy. I've seen no signs of him trying to be controlling and he does seem to bring out the best in her. I just wish he could convince her to get a job. I think she needs one to help her grow up and just to have some pocket change. I can't imagine having to ask someone else for everything you need. IMO, it's bad enough when it's your parents you're asking. I also wonder how long dbf's parents will put up with this.
And you're right she'll be driving the car back home.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 11-13-2013 at 03:33 PM..
True. Even when I was in high school I thought raising the very popular kids like the top jocks and cheerleaders would be harder to raise. They have more peer pressure on them but also can get too big for their britches from all the admiration they are given. Teachers like them, coaches like them, other kids admire them, they are expected to be the life of every party.
Little kids are easy to raise because the parents and family are the only influence, teenagers have all kinds of other influences. As kids get older, the parent has less control and there are more outside influences and the kid's free will. A lot of parents can be caught off guard and they need time to readjust to things they did not do or plan on.
ITA. Dd#2 is definitely my harder child to raise. She reached the know it all stage long before her sister. I also see the peer influence and the influence of other parents who let their kids do what they want and there are too many of them. One of the parties she had drank at was hosted by a mom I've known since she was a baby and never would have thought would tolerate drinking. Turns out she's decided she'd rather be the one throwing the party if her kids are going to drink.
I so agree on little kids vs. teens. Peers are a very strong influence. One many parents underestimate. A really good book on this topic is "The Nuture Assumption". I see how strong the peer influence as a high school teacher both positive and negative. I'll have kids in geometry who are great kids who turn into major PITA's in physical science just because of who else is in the room. You'd never realize it's the same kid.....and my boss says it's MY teaching that's the issue when kids act up.
...she seems to like to stop by for lunch with dh here. I find it interesting that she tells me he's the reason she moved out yet she comes by to have lunch with him most days. I'm thinking she was just looking for an excuse to move in with her boyfriend.
She told you she moved because of DH because she thought that's what you wanted to hear.
It's awesome that she's having lunch with her father most days. That means she's still connected to the family.
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Not many people make a successful "first jump" into society on their own. So she seems pretty normal to me. 
