My 18 yo moved out (party, legal, teens, allowance)
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We're all just dong the best we can. It's all we can do. There are no guarantees because there are just too many variables.
It's scary as hell. That's why I think people are so quick to judge other parents harshly sometimes. Everyone wants to think it can't happen to them, the other person must have done this or that wrong. But a lot of parenting is guesswork and luck of the draw IMO. Of course there are some general things to do that usually work well, but even those things are not 100% guarantees.
Everybody takes their turn on the screw up train. We're all just waiting for it to pull into our station.
This ticks me off... for the sake of the poor kids whose parents actually THINK this way. Why? All in the name of being too afraid to learn something? Might find out you (the general you since one has gone so far out of favor) are wrong? So WHAT? What is so wrong about being wrong? That admission is step one to learning a new way of thinking, of doing. Of improving outcomes for your kids.
"All kids are different" mantra is pure BS. It is just an excuse to keep doing the same stupid BS that has failed to work in the past while placing the back of your hand to your head and saying Poooooooor Meeeeee I have an XYZ labelled child here. And they are SOOOOO different. There is no one manual.
They are all individuals, true enough. But they all share the same psychological, emotional and physical needs as every single other human being on the planet.
There's going to come a point you need to step back and just breathe. Your oldest needs to make some mistakes in order to mature. Your younger one needs more guidance through this tough time. Just remember that life is full of choices and we all make bad ones sometimes. You can't grow if you don't.
Seriously, do you think it's possible to pick your kid's friends by age 15? If the DD hadn't been hanging out with these kids, she'd've hung out with others, and possibly gotten into some other kind of trouble (or the same kind, since this is the type of trouble HS girls frequently get into).
While it may not be possible to know who all of your 15 year old's friends are, it's entirely possible not to let that 15 year old out of the house on the weekend to go to a party where you pretty much know she will be drinking... again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katiana
Calling someone's child a monkey is pretty offensive, too, IMO.
Are you talking about when someone said "monkey see, monkey do"? Haha! Really?
I remember when my grandmother (dad's mom) said that expression to my mom about me. My mom didn't like it, and she was hardly "PC". (There really was no PC back then.) It's mockery, derisive. There are better ways to get the point across.
This ticks me off... for the sake of the poor kids whose parents actually THINK this way. Why? All in the name of being too afraid to learn something? Might find out you (the general you since one has gone so far out of favor) are wrong? So WHAT? What is so wrong about being wrong? That admission is step one to learning a new way of thinking, of doing. Of improving outcomes for your kids.
"All kids are different" mantra is pure BS. It is just an excuse to keep doing the same stupid BS that has failed to work in the past while placing the back of your hand to your head and saying Poooooooor Meeeeee I have an XYZ labelled child here. And they are SOOOOO different. There is no one manual.
They are all individuals, true enough. But they all share the same psychological, emotional and physical needs as every single other human being on the planet.
You are reading way too much into what I typed.
All I basically said is that no one has all the answers, and that there are no perfect parents.
I also said there are some general rules that tend to work across the board, but at the same time every kid is different.
I also said every parent screws up one way or another.
I don't know what all that ranting is for, since I never said parents can't be wrong, nor did I express a fear of being criticized, nor did I declare anyone a special snowflake, etc etc.
I think you just took the post as a direct attack on your tendency to be vocally critical of other parents. LOL
This ticks me off... for the sake of the poor kids whose parents actually THINK this way. Why? All in the name of being too afraid to learn something? Might find out you (the general you since one has gone so far out of favor) are wrong? So WHAT? What is so wrong about being wrong? That admission is step one to learning a new way of thinking, of doing. Of improving outcomes for your kids.
"All kids are different" mantra is pure BS. It is just an excuse to keep doing the same stupid BS that has failed to work in the past while placing the back of your hand to your head and saying Poooooooor Meeeeee I have an XYZ labelled child here. And they are SOOOOO different. There is no one manual.
They are all individuals, true enough. But they all share the same psychological, emotional and physical needs as every single other human being on the planet.
How many perfect children have you raised?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe the Photog
While it may not be possible to know who all of your 15 year old's friends are, it's entirely possible not to let that 15 year old out of the house on the weekend to go to a party where you pretty much know she will be drinking... again.
Does this include handcuffing her to her bed so that she can't leave the house on the weekend?
I don't think anyone has said they have raised perfect kids. Anyone who has had teens is well aware they will make poor choices, test boundaries etc. What has people so very frustrated is Ivory's refusal to hold her younger daughter accountable. She seems to be all about holding her older daughter accountable for moving out at 18, but her younger daughter who seems to be in some pretty big trouble, with red flags for more to come, is golden. Even her husband is blamed. Anyone but DD2. And, considering the particular red flags, DD2 could use some help. But that would require admitting there's a problem. And this from a teacher who has post after post after post complaining about other parents who "coddle" their kids to the detriment of those kids.
Last edited by maciesmom; 11-14-2013 at 09:08 AM..
I remember when my grandmother (dad's mom) said that expression to my mom about me. My mom didn't like it, and she was hardly "PC". (There really was no PC back then.) It's mockery, derisive. There are better ways to get the point across.
OMG, stop already. Monkey see, Monkey do is an old expression. NO ONE WAS CALLING THE OP'S KID A MONKEY.
We're all just dong the best we can. It's all we can do. There are no guarantees because there are just too many variables.
It's scary as hell. That's why I think people are so quick to judge other parents harshly sometimes. Everyone wants to think it can't happen to them, the other person must have done this or that wrong. But a lot of parenting is guesswork and luck of the draw IMO. Of course there are some general things to do that usually work well, but even those things are not 100% guarantees.
Everybody takes their turn on the screw up train. We're all just waiting for it to pull into our station.
You speak the truth -- I have seen a lot of parents who ruled their kingdoms, and some who were more laid back, and stuff can happen to anyone. But your last line... I need to put that on a sign somewhere!
FWIW, my kids are 18 and 14, so I'm in the middle of all of it...and I try to remember a good friends advice to choose your battles. Sometimes the little things are just not worth going crazy over. Such as the OP's older child... yes, my heart would be broken if my older DD moved in with boyfriends family, but the other side of the coin is, she's living in a home, not out on the street, strung out or whatever.
There's going to come a point you need to step back and just breathe. Your oldest needs to make some mistakes in order to mature. Your younger one needs more guidance through this tough time. Just remember that life is full of choices and we all make bad ones sometimes. You can't grow if you don't.
I certainly hope OP reads your post. You pretty much summed up this thread in one paragraph.
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