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I have experience too. Dd#2 is the fourth teenager I've raised. I also work with teens all day long. Certain things are typical for teens to try and drinking is one of them. I just don't see this as the red flag so many are throwing up. Dd's lawyer told her that he got drunk several times as a teen and still made it into and through law school. This is not a sign of the end of the world. It's something to be dealt with but not a sign that I'm a bad parent or that dd is on the path to hell.
And I do think dh was wrong to take her in. Nothing anyone has posted here has changed my mind on that. I think a father hauling his child into the police is a last ditch effort after you've tried everything else when we'd hardly tried anything because this is a new issue. His knee jerk response and I'm gonna show her attitude is why we're here. Yes dd shouldn't have been drinking but two wrongs have never made a right. Her excuse is she was drunk. What's his?
Still, it is what it is and what's done is done. All that is left is to clean up the mess. That's what we're trying to do. I will never agree that dh did the right thing here but that doesn't matter now. What matters is dealing with the situation and figuring out how to have a positive outcome. If this costs dd everything she loves, I can see her rebelling big time and I don't want that. I'm not sure what is going to happen. One person tells me she'll get a slap on the wrist and the next tells me she won't be able to get a job 10 years from now. This is my dd. I'm not leaving this one to chance.
How are those 4 teens you've raised and how are your relationships with them? Healthy and well adjusted?
I do not have any kind of comprehension as to how a mother, and a teacher, and someone who claims their husband is an alcoholic does not see a red flag in this situation:
* The teen is 15. She has been in trouble for drinking in the past and yet has chosen to continue this behavior.
* She wasn't simply arrested for having had a few drinks. She was beligerent, mouthy and SHOVED A POLICE OFFICER (more than once if I recall). At the police station.
* She contends she does not remember the situation. Troubling whether or not it's true. Either she is a master manipulator who has no remorse and is willing to lie to get what she wants OR she was drunk enough to black out. At 15.
* At 15 her only social life revolves around partying and feels her life is over if that can't/won't continue.
* She is not remorseful and, days later, blames her father for the whole situation and has tantrummed for days about potentially being suspended from Cheerleading. As if THAT is the only real problem here.
Regardless of whether you think everyone here is just a bunch of big ol' meany faces to you and DD2, you really need to consider getting her some help. That should be your priority.
Additionally, an adult who believed a person (regardless of age) should not be held responsible for things they did when they were drunk is very troubling. Or is it just YOUR child who shouldn't be held accountable for her actions? You keep avoiding the question of those who rape when they are drunk or those who kill entire families while driving drunk - should they not be help responsible since they were drunk? I'd really be interested in a response. It's been asked more than once.
Last edited by maciesmom; 11-11-2013 at 03:48 PM..
We'll see on that. If she can't get a job or gets denied entry to college I doubt anyone will think he was right.
You have only said she was charged with an MIP, was she charged with other stuff as well?
I think another poster said you live in Michigan, is that correct?
She is a first time offender (in the eyes of the law) and it will not even be a misdemeanor if she completes her probation terms and conditions. This is usually some sort of community service and/or taking an alcohol awareness class. The law in Michigan does not say anything about her drivers license, and since her arrest will be kept as a non public record by the courts she should have no problems getting a job or going to college.
The problem only comes if she is caught drinking again before she turns 21, then she could face a large fine as well as jail time.
Since you have a lawyer, why are you not asking him what the consequences are in your state? Why are you listening to anonymous people on a message board that live in different states (and even countries) where the laws are different?
You have only said she was charged with an MIP, was she charged with other stuff as well?
I think another poster said you live in Michigan, is that correct?
She is a first time offender (in the eyes of the law) and it will not even be a misdemeanor if she completes her probation terms and conditions. This is usually some sort of community service and/or taking an alcohol awareness class. The law in Michigan does not say anything about her drivers license, and since her arrest will be kept as a non public record by the courts she should have no problems getting a job or going to college.
The problem only comes if she is caught drinking again before she turns 21, then she could face a large fine as well as jail time.
Since you have a lawyer, why are you not asking him what the consequences are in your state? Why are you listening to anonymous people on a message board that live in different states (and even countries) where the laws are different?
Because the one poster (as far as I can tell) - who actually only said they knew someone who couldn't get a specific job that required a Security Clearance 10 years later (because of a conviction), is much more drama inducing than the kazillion other posters who indicated it most likely wouldn't be an issue (and gave specific examples) if she kept her nose clean for the next several years (since they are paying for a lawyer's advice, one thing I'd be sure to ask him/her is what is the best answer to various forms of the questions on future job applications. It could be, the applicant previously mentioned answered the question incorrectly and his application wasn't even considered as a result). The dramatic, "woe-is-me" and "woe-is-my-special-snowflake" is simply the latest in Ivory's OPs, whether it is here in Parenting or in Education and Teaching...it's always someone else's fault, there is never anything she could possibly do about it since whomever is at fault just doesn't care for her (or her daughter) and it's always the end of the world, or her career or both.
Last edited by maciesmom; 11-11-2013 at 03:01 PM..
Reason: additional thought
I started out this thread with a lot of empathy for the OP. However, as more information has seeped out I find that empathy dwindling. A lot of the problems that the 15 year old have are down to the parents. But I'm not too bothered about her. She clearly has both parents on her side and no expense is being spared to get her out of them.
It is the 18 year old I feel sorry for. She is clearly the unpopular child as attention gets lavished on the 15 year old. And rather than having the parents working for her, it would appear they are trying their best to help her fail.
Wow. The last time I heard a parent exclaim "I'm just along for the ride" she was climbing into a car on Space Mountain and her child was up in the booth manning the controls and pushing the buttons.
I do consider drinking something typical for teens to try. I don't think it's the end of the world (I'm sure I'll hear it for saying that). I think its something to be dealt with but hardly the end of the world. To a certain extent, kids will be kids and you have to see how things play out. I do worry about dd because of her father's drinking. I don't want to see her fall into the same trap.
Yes, teens sometimes try drinking... Being drunk, belligerent, blacking out, shoving a police officer is not "something typical for teens to try" - not even once. IMO it is not "kids will be kids." Could it be that you are surrounded by H.S. teens (some of whom may have problems), in a social structure overly centered around "partying," married to someone with alcohol problems - that your environment has somehow skewed your sense of what is "typical teen behavior" for a 15 y.o.?
You have only said she was charged with an MIP, was she charged with other stuff as well?
I think another poster said you live in Michigan, is that correct?
She is a first time offender (in the eyes of the law) and it will not even be a misdemeanor if she completes her probation terms and conditions. This is usually some sort of community service and/or taking an alcohol awareness class. The law in Michigan does not say anything about her drivers license, and since her arrest will be kept as a non public record by the courts she should have no problems getting a job or going to college.
The problem only comes if she is caught drinking again before she turns 21, then she could face a large fine as well as jail time.
Since you have a lawyer, why are you not asking him what the consequences are in your state? Why are you listening to anonymous people on a message board that live in different states (and even countries) where the laws are different?
Because the one poster (as far as I can tell) - who actually only said they knew someone who couldn't get a specific job that required a Security Clearance 10 years later (because of a conviction), is much more drama inducing than the kazillion other posters who indicated it most likely wouldn't be an issue (and gave specific examples) if she kept her nose clean for the next several years (since they are paying for a lawyer's advice, one thing I'd be sure to ask him/her is what is the best answer to various forms of the questions or future job applications. It could be, the applicant previously mentioned answered the question incorrectly and his application wasn't even considered as a result). The dramatic, "woe-is-me" and "woe-is-my-special-snowflake" is simply the latest in Ivory's OPs, whether it is here in Parenting or in Education and Teaching...it's always someone else's fault, there is never anything she could possibly do about it since whomever is at fault just doesn't care for her (or her daughter) and it's always the end of the world, or her career or both.
Funny thing about that particular experience, the poster specifically said the charges were dropped (so no conviction). Actually, just from the way that poster worded it, I'm not so sure that the MIP was the issue.
Everyone said the same thing as SundayD, that the daughter really needs to wake up and not get in trouble (caught) again. I think the OP already knows her daughter will likely be caught again. And that's really where the problem lies.
Funny thing about that particular experience, the poster specifically said the
charges were dropped (so no conviction). Actually, just from the way that
poster worded it, I'm not so sure that the MIP was the issue.
Because of the way the poster worded it, I wonder if the applicant answered something he/she didn't have to. That's why I amended my post to include obtaining specific advice from the lawyer they're paying for as to how DD2 needs to answer those types of questions on future job applications. I think that is a very valid question.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inkpoe
I think the OP already knows her daughter will likely be caught again. And that's really where the problem lies.
Learning from this mistake and not getting caught again are key. My friend who got the MIP and now works on cap hill never drank again until her 21st birthday. Granted it was only a year or so, not 6 years, but it scared her straight for sure. Somehow I don't think that is happening with DD#2.
Ivory, you can keep your daughter home from all the parties in the world, but until you keep her away from the person/people supplying a 15-year old with alcohol, she will still be exposed to the problem and will probably keep drinking.
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I also work with teens all day long. Certain things are typical for teens to try and drinking is one of them. I just don't see this as the red flag so many are throwing up. Dd's lawyer told her that he got drunk several times as a teen and still made it into and through law school. This is not a sign of the end of the world. It's something to be dealt with but not a sign that I'm a bad parent or that dd is on the path to hell.