My 18 yo moved out (fighting, normal, Colorado, Michigan)
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I agree. Ivory, you went on a public forum to get input from other parents. This is what I would do.
If my underage child was caught drinking (and possibly resisting arrest/disorderly conduct/whatever else) she/he would be paying every dime for the attorney's fees & fines out of their own money even it if took until she was 35 years old. In fact, I'm not sure that I would hire an attorney for him/her at all. Why hire a lawyer when DH was the one to turn her into the police?
It is not like your daughter was driving a car at a safe speed for road conditions and hit a patch of black ice. That is an accident or an "act of God". Underage drinking and being belligerent to a police officer is a deliberate conscious decision by someone.
It doesn't appear that DD#2 claimed that others refused to allow her to leave the party, tied her to a chair, held her mouth open and poured beer and alcohol down her throat.
And, I can't even imagine a scenario where a teen could blame someone else because SHE talked back/was belligerent to a police officer. Or did DD claim that there was a ventriloquist hiding behind a large plant in the police station and it only appeared that DD was talking.
She "did the crime" now she needs to "pay the price". SS payments that were earmarked for college used for fines (and an attorney) seem very reasonable. Every bit of money that she saved from birthday gifts used for fines (and an attorney) seems very reasonable. Being sentenced to Juvenile Hall (if that is what the judge determines) seems very reasonable.
The problem is the "crime" would not have happened if her father hadn't taken her to the police station. They didn't arrest her for drinking. She was drunk and angry when they got to the police station and she fought with the police when they tried to take her back to talk to her. That's what they arrested her for. She doesn't even remember it. IMO any father that cared about his child would have just taken her home. She was in no state to be talked to by anyone. It should have waited until morning. I guarantee if he'd taken her in the next day she would not have fought the officers.
The problem is the "crime" would not have happened if her father hadn't taken her to the police station. They didn't arrest her for drinking. She was drunk and angry when they got to the police station and she fought with the police when they tried to take her back to talk to her. That's what they arrested her for. She doesn't even remember it.
I don't know many 15 year-olds who would be mouthy and combative at a police station, sober or not. This is a HUGE red flag.
It was only a matter of time before someone called the police about the underage drinking parties, so IMHO, police involvement was bound to happen sooner or later.
Hopefully it will teach her a hard lesson. Who provided the alcohol? That person may also find him/herself in some legal trouble.
You'd be surprised. I teach high school and hear about raging parties every Monday. The cops never seem to be called. In fact, I can't recall one time where they were other than when kids show up drunk to school events and then all they have to do is admit they've been drinking and the police take them home.
Well. I don't know why I blew this thread off when I first saw it. It certainly has grown in the past few days, 266 posts to right now (3:41 Mountain).
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Originally Posted by germaine2626
I am sorry that you and your family are having so many problems right now. I wish you well.
I agree. Though Ivory and I have disagreed many times, I feel she's like some of my relatives that I also disagree with, but like anyway. I multiquoted a bunch of posts on the first page (40 posts for me), but then I saw how long the thread was and deselected most of them. I've left a few.
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Originally Posted by AnnieA
Something that worries me is that if the 15 yr old is charged with something, it may go on her record and hinder her in the future. She should not lie about it on college aps, resumes, etc.
This happened to one of grandson's(17). The charges were later dropped and the record was expugned or sealed, not sure which. This was a good kid, who like your daughter, argued with a policeman though he was not drinking. He was an honors student, steady as the day is long. Anyway, he is in college for an engineering degree. He was applying for a program at a nuclear power plant and answered the question truthfully. Bam ! He was denied and forbidden to apply again for 2 years. The local police chief sent a letter of recommendation and several other prominant people in the area, as well. NOpe.
Going to the police station not smart. JMO. You shouldn't let this incident possibly ruin the rest of her life and a record can do that.
Good luck. I have horror stories raising my 3 children as a single parent. We all survived each other and they are doing well. It was some ride though.......<s> My oldest is 51, I think. LOL. My youngest called one day after a particularly trying time with her young teens and apologized to me for any and all the things she did to me when she was growing up. I thought at first that she was joking but, she was dead serious.
That is why I think it is a good idea for the family to have retained a lawyer. What's done is done as far as taking the child to the police station, but the lawyer will try to mitigate things as much as possible. I know several late teen/20 somethings who have gotten in legal trouble and had the charges expunged or whatever it is. (I'm not a lawyer myself.) I would never encourage anybody to lie, but these people should think through what they will say if asked questions about the past, so they don't lie but don't necessarily lay it all out, either. There are very few of us with NO skeletons in our closets.
As far as the drinking itself, there are families that see no problem with kids drinking, and drinking young. I have indicated in other posts that I disagree. However, I don't think this necessarily means DD #2 is on the road to a life of alcoholism. I'm not real surprised that a cheerleader would get into a crowd that does a lot of drinking. There was some cocaine scandal with the cheerleaders at my kids' school a few years ago. A lot of kids in the top sports and the cheerleaders are heavily into the drinking culture, regardless if they sign a pledge.
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Originally Posted by HappyHarley
Based on the OP's lack of response to my suggestions, I'm assuming that things are only going to get worse. I'm sorry, but before your YOUNG kids, 15 and 18 are going to learn responsibility for themselves, they need to have parents that take responsibility for themselves and their family.
You sound like my parents, which are all too typical now a days. Parents who think that they can treat their kids any way they want because they are providing a roof over their heads. Parents who always find something wrong with their kids to nag them about. Parents that don't really listen to their kids and appreciate their kids as a special member of the household. Parents that don't value their kids thoughts, opinions, ability to make their own mistakes.
Parent's that don't have a good relationship with each other, husband and wife. That have poor communication skills. That take their stress out on each other and especially their kids.
I'm sorry, but things are only going to get worse, and you'll find that your daughter's only way to make it on their own is by finding a man that can take care of them, or else their going to end up homeless or living with you till their 30.
I'll repeat myself one last time just in case their is still a small chance at this getting resolved. Seek help for yourself, and your husband for himself. Then seek help together and get your marriage working better. And then get help for your kids, and help them once your better. Because right now, you are unable to help your kids, because you are broken. Take responsibility and don't act like you or your husband don't need therapy, couple counseling, etc.
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Originally Posted by HappyHarley
I'm sorry but it sounds like you guys do not know how to be respectful to your kids. Thus your kids almost always feel as though it's them verse you. Please take my advice in seeking therapy now, before more drama entails
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Originally Posted by HappyHarley
I am done with this thread.
Only psychiatrists/psychologists get paid enough to try to help this family.
Re: the bold-Thank God! Your posts have been very judgemental and unhelpful, railing on the OP.
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Originally Posted by Tinawina
Is this the one who skipped a couple of grades? Could this be related to her feeling out of place with the older kids? Maybe she wants to do what they do to fit in. Binge drinking type parties get more common the closer you get to 18.
Also, it sounds like there is a culture of underage drinking where you live. Do a whole lot of teens at her school drink regularly?
ETA: it just clicked that she's a cheerleader. Is this a jock culture/popular kid thing? The football team usually has some kind of socialized drinking component.
Agreed!
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Originally Posted by njmom66
I really, truly wish you had. I don't understand, even a little, the parents who think they should be serving booze to teenagers.
I don't know many 15 year-olds who would be mouthy and combative at a police station, sober or not. This is a HUGE red flag.
You don't know a lot of drunk teens do you? I've seen my share at school events and they can be combative. I've seen kids who are really mild mannered be quite belligerent when under the influence. People don't react like they normally do when drunk.
While the fact she was drunk is a red flag, I'm not sure being combative while drunk is. Seems to me a lot of fighting goes on between drunk people. When I worked midnights we always had a bouncer for the drunks for that reason. I don't think behavior while under the influence is telling of anything other than you were under the influence.
Let's hope so. I just want this to end on terms that let her still get a job when she's 16 and allow her to keep cheering. She needs to be kept busy.
Sometimes I look at dh and ask if I really signed up for this when I brought my cute little babies home.
I think it's a wake up call for dh to not knee jerk parent. The checks he's had to write this week are painful.
BTW There are some types of jobs that you can get at age 14, at least in my state, sweeping the floors in businesses, washing dishes by hand, filing, walking dogs, babysitting. She should start looking right now.
I hate to say it, but if I had any idea what school DD went to I would be contacting the coaches and/or the principal and/or the school board and demanding that the cheer squad coach be notified. In every school district that I know being convicted of underage drinking would automatically get you kicked off of any school connected team or honor. And,sometimes students are temporarily suspended from the activity as soon as they are even charged with that crime or it is reported to the school.
Most schools "code of conduct" kick you off of sports teams and out of activities for far, far less that being belligerent to a police officer (even if she gets off of the underage drinking charge).
I am sorry to be harsh, but I can not even imagine that you still believe that DD#2 has the right to be considered a positive role model for other teens and be allowed to have a position of honor and respect in her school. Her behavior was much worse than all of those "special snowflakes" that you frequently complain about to us on C-D.
Should all of the students who get drunk at parties and belligerent towards police officers continue to be in positions where other teens "look up to them" and want to be just like them? In most/many high schools being a cheerleader is one of the most prestigious positions in the entire school. In the schools in my area, being a cheerleader is definitely more sought after than being Prom Queen or Homecoming Queen or lead in the Senior class play or being selected for National Honor Society and even being Valedictorian.
Last edited by germaine2626; 11-08-2013 at 04:28 PM..
Is this the one who skipped a couple of grades? Could this be related to her feeling out of place with the older kids? Maybe she wants to do what they do to fit in. Binge drinking type parties get more common the closer you get to 18.
Also, it sounds like there is a culture of underage drinking where you live. Do a whole lot of teens at her school drink regularly?
ETA: it just clicked that she's a cheerleader. Is this a jock culture/popular kid thing? The football team usually has some kind of socialized drinking component.
Really? That one I did not know. It's not the jocks and cheerleaders I hear talking about partying on the weekends. Though it's sometimes surprising who is talking that way. I'll hear straight A kids talking about how they tied one on over the weekend or spent their entire spring break drunk. I don't hear the jocks talking this way though. Maybe they just hide it because if the possibility of being kicked off the team.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 11-08-2013 at 04:16 PM..
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That one I did not know. It's not the jocks and cheerleaders I hear talking about partying on the weekends. Though it's sometimes surprising who is talking that way. I'll hear straight A kids talking about how they tied one on over the weekend or spent their entire spring break drunk. I don't hear the jocks talking this way though. Maybe they just hide it because if the possibility of being kicked off the team.