Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
So as the title states, I am struggling right now with my family. I would like it if my husband were more involved with our family. We have a 30 month old daughter and 8 month old twins. I am looking for ideas to encourage him to be more involved. Or perhaps just an outsider perspective to tell me that perhaps I am demanding too much, and/or I should appreciate what he does do.
My first "complaint": Bed time.
We start bedtime at 7:30 after dinner. DH starts the bath and gets our toddler in the bath. 50% of the time he brings his tablet with him (which drives me NUTS, and he usually puts it down when I remind him that it is dangerous). I get the stuff for the twins, and bring them in, and he helps me bathe them and gets one dressed while I watch the toddler and bathe the other. HE then helps get our toddler dressed for bed, gets her some warm milk, then reads her 3 stories and puts her in her bed. While this is going on, I am nursing the twins, and getting them settled for bed. 5-6 nights a week, he leaves promptly at 8:00 pm even though no one is ever sleep at 8:00 pm, because he "needs" to go play his computer game. It is often really hard to get them all to settle down all by myself, and my requests to help seem to go unheard, and he things just sitting there is boring.
My second "complaint": Weekends
I have expressed my desire to do family stuff on the weekends, since we both work. But he would rather play his computer game. the most he will do is spend maybe an hour with us, but then he needs "a break"and runs to our basement to play his computer game. I try to come up with ideas but its exhausting trying to find ways to get him to spend time with his family.
My third "complaint": sleeping
I am the one who gets up in the middle of the night. My DH has gotten up maybe a handful of times in the past 8 months. He stays up really late on the weekends playing his computer game - usually until 1:30 - 2 am, then has to sleep in until 8 or 9. The babies have been up all night fussing and crying for the past few weeks and I am up all night trying to settle everyone down. When they finally "wake up" for the day at around 6 am, I am the one who has to play with them and watch them because DH is tired and needs more sleep. Yeah. TO be fair usually once a month he will let me sleep in, and today he watched the kids for 30 minutes so I could get a morning nap, but after that he needed a break and had to go play his game.
I appreciate any thoughts or ideas from others who have been through this. Divorce really is not an option because honestly, I don't want to share custody of my children.
Your husband is playing computer games maybe because he might be a little immature.
So you have to decide what you want more, do you want him to help out more or do you want to not yell at him?
If it is the former, unless he is a complete jerk, fight for what you want. Sometimes you have to.
And when you aren't fighting ask him, when you are old and grey are you going to wish you had more time on WoW or with your children? Again, if he isn't a jerk, he will choose his kids.
Is your husband a 15 year old boy?
He certainly sounds like it with all of the computer games.
Is there another man who he respects who can talk with him? Perhaps a brother or his father or a friend?
He is not acting like a mature, responsible parent at all.
No, you are NOT expecting too much at all. Frankly, neither my husband nor any of our friends or relatives acted that way. Of course, most of us were in our late 20s when we had kids so maybe we were all more mature than your husband.
If he is going to act like a 15 year old maybe you have to treat him like a 15 year old, no computer after 11 PM, no computer until his daughter is asleep, no computer in the bathroom. Perhaps, that is something that an older, wiser parent should tell him not his wife.
Your husband is playing computer games maybe because he might be a little immature.
So you have to decide what you want more, do you want him to help out more or do you want to not yell at him?
If it is the former, unless he is a complete jerk, fight for what you want. Sometimes you have to.
And when you aren't fighting ask him, when you are old and grey are you going to wish you had more time on WoW or with your children? Again, if he isn't a jerk, he will choose his kids.
Right now, wow is winning. When I bring it up, he just accuses me of being purposefully unhappy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
Is your husband a 15 year old boy?
He certainly sounds like it with all of the computer games.
Is there another man who he respects who can talk with him? Perhaps a brother or his father or a friend?
He is not acting like a mature, responsible parent at all.
No, you are NOT expecting too much at all. Frankly, neither my husband nor any of our friends or relatives acted that way. Of course, most of us were in our late 20s when we had kids so maybe we were all more mature than your husband.
Yeah,I wish . We are in our late 30s.
I just don't know how to bring it up so he sees what he is doing to our family.
I commiserate. I actually started a very similar thread several months ago which has gotten a lot of replies - many of them telling me I'm lazy and spoiled and disorganized and how dare I ask DH for more help, he works after all. My husband is also a gamer, and likes to stay up and sleep in (of course so do I, but who cares, right)? I don't really have too much advice, but I will say it has gotten better as DS got older - now that he's 3.5 DH seems to enjoy spending time with him more and doesn't see it as such a chore. Also, I've learned to ask for what I want, not expect him to offer, or better yet I'll just state it as fact, as in 'can you get him dressed while I'm doing the laundry' as I'm walking away. I'll share a small trick: I'll often leave some chores for the evening rather than trying to get them done during the day; that way, while DS naps or plays on his own I can rest, and DH is much more open to watching DS while I'm doing chores or grocery shopping etc than if I simply asked for time to rest. What else...oh, I found that if I actively played with and entertained DS in the evenings when hubby was home, he'd take it as free time to sit at the computer. Now, I'll just walk away and start doing something else - cooking, cleaning, checking email, whatever, and DS ends up in the same room with DH and bugging him so he can't play comfortably anyways, and he'll often end up playing with DS instead and I never had to ask him do it. We've also designated some things as his responsibility, like bathing. It takes on a whole different dynamic with you since you have the twin babies as well, but hopefully some of this will help. Good luck!
Did you talk about children before you got married? What did he say to you then? Did he want children? Did he want THREE? Before you met what were his dreams and goals in life? What is preventing him from following his dreams?
So as the title states, I am struggling right now with my family. I would like it if my husband were more involved with our family. We have a 30 month old daughter and 8 month old twins. I am looking for ideas to encourage him to be more involved. Or perhaps just an outsider perspective to tell me that perhaps I am demanding too much, and/or I should appreciate what he does do.
My first "complaint": Bed time.
We start bedtime at 7:30 after dinner. DH starts the bath and gets our toddler in the bath. 50% of the time he brings his tablet with him (which drives me NUTS, and he usually puts it down when I remind him that it is dangerous). I get the stuff for the twins, and bring them in, and he helps me bathe them and gets one dressed while I watch the toddler and bathe the other. HE then helps get our toddler dressed for bed, gets her some warm milk, then reads her 3 stories and puts her in her bed. While this is going on, I am nursing the twins, and getting them settled for bed. 5-6 nights a week, he leaves promptly at 8:00 pm even though no one is ever sleep at 8:00 pm, because he "needs" to go play his computer game. It is often really hard to get them all to settle down all by myself, and my requests to help seem to go unheard, and he things just sitting there is boring.
My second "complaint": Weekends
I have expressed my desire to do family stuff on the weekends, since we both work. But he would rather play his computer game. the most he will do is spend maybe an hour with us, but then he needs "a break"and runs to our basement to play his computer game. I try to come up with ideas but its exhausting trying to find ways to get him to spend time with his family.
My third "complaint": sleeping
I am the one who gets up in the middle of the night. My DH has gotten up maybe a handful of times in the past 8 months. He stays up really late on the weekends playing his computer game - usually until 1:30 - 2 am, then has to sleep in until 8 or 9. The babies have been up all night fussing and crying for the past few weeks and I am up all night trying to settle everyone down. When they finally "wake up" for the day at around 6 am, I am the one who has to play with them and watch them because DH is tired and needs more sleep. Yeah. TO be fair usually once a month he will let me sleep in, and today he watched the kids for 30 minutes so I could get a morning nap, but after that he needed a break and had to go play his game.
I appreciate any thoughts or ideas from others who have been through this. Divorce really is not an option because honestly, I don't want to share custody of my children.
That would be a great time for all of you (you plus the kids) to play together in the master bedroom. You can nurse the babies in bed while the 30 month old plays with toys. At most houses, at least the ones that I know, once the preschoolers are up for the day, BOTH parents are up for the day.
Doesn't he have any friends with children? He must realize that his behavior is not normal or typical for a father. His behavior is so different than anyone that I know that I really can't give you very much advice.
Have you been married very long? perhaps he is still adjusting to married life, as well.
Did you talk about children before you got married? What did he say to you then? Did he want children? Did he want THREE? Before you met what were his dreams and goals in life? What is preventing him from following his dreams?
More information is needed.
20yrsinBranson
Following his dream?? LOL
He has a computer compulsion. He is escaping. Dreams come later, after you don't have 3 toddlers.
He sounds like he has completely checked out of your marriage/family life.
Also, are you sure he is just playing a computer game? Either a video game addiction or perhaps chatting to someone else online. Have you asked him if he might have some form of depression? What does he say when you tell him it is abnormal to abandon your family like this?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
