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Well, the kids were not on my timeline. Since we got married in 2007 he asked me when I wanted to start a family. I was concerned about pregnancy because I have a genetic condition that carries a 50% chance to pass on to offspring. We talked about adoption, but we ultimately decided to try for one on our own. After our first daughter was born, we talked about a second. I found out that I could go through IVF and a process where they check the embroyos for the genetic condition and only implant the non affected embryos. We went through 2 rounds of IVF to conceive the twins. So a lot of time, effort, and finances went into conceiving the babies. Not sure many people would go through all of that if they were being FORCED.
why has he checked out? I have no idea. He tells me that he loves me and he loves our babies, I just can't get him to see that he is missing out on our babies and by only being partially involved its killing our marriage.
Thank you for the additional information.
There are a lot of men out there who simply are not "into" fatherhood. Men, really have no genetic predisposition to be paternal. It is a learned behavior, at best. Many will argue otherwise, but until humanity began domesticating animals (and understanding their reproductive habits), mankind really never made the connection between sex and babies, it was in fact considered, "a gift from god" or some such. Men can develop very nice nurturing qualities but it is learned and the man has to WANT to do that. Usually, making the mate happy is sufficient motivation to do it, but in some cases (as in your husband's), that is not always the case.
I do know people who have computer/gaming addictions and it has ruined more than one relationship/marriage. I'm sure there are people out there who you can go to for professional help, but until he is willing to address the issue, it's probably not going to happen.
As doctor Laura would say, you have three choices. #1 get a divorce and become a single mother and destroy your family, #2 continue to complain to your husband about his behavior which will ultimately lead to #2, or #3 suck it up.
If you want to keep your family together, I recommend #3. Nobody said life was going to be easy.
There are a lot of men out there who simply are not "into" fatherhood. Men, really have no genetic predisposition to be paternal. It is a learned behavior, at best. Many will argue otherwise, but until humanity began domesticating animals (and understanding their reproductive habits), mankind really never made the connection between sex and babies, it was in fact considered, "a gift from god" or some such. Men can develop very nice nurturing qualities but it is learned and the man has to WANT to do that. Usually, making the mate happy is sufficient motivation to do it, but in some cases (as in your husband's), that is not always the case.
I do know people who have computer/gaming addictions and it has ruined more than one relationship/marriage. I'm sure there are people out there who you can go to for professional help, but until he is willing to address the issue, it's probably not going to happen.
As doctor Laura would say, you have three choices. #1 get a divorce and become a single mother and destroy your family, #2 continue to complain to your husband about his behavior which will ultimately lead to #2, or #3 suck it up.
If you want to keep your family together, I recommend #3. Nobody said life was going to be easy.
20yrsinBranson
Dr. Laura? Really? So you, a person who frequently states how grateful she is not to be burdened with children, are advocating using the advice of a person who is happy to dole out advice on something she hasn't experienced much success with in her own life?
There are a lot of men out there who simply are not "into" fatherhood. Men, really have no genetic predisposition to be paternal. It is a learned behavior, at best. Many will argue otherwise, but until humanity began domesticating animals (and understanding their reproductive habits), mankind really never made the connection between sex and babies, it was in fact considered, "a gift from god" or some such. Men can develop very nice nurturing qualities but it is learned and the man has to WANT to do that. Usually, making the mate happy is sufficient motivation to do it, but in some cases (as in your husband's), that is not always the case.
Not true. Men undergo biochemical changes when they father a child. We know that testosterone levels decrease. Both mom and dad experience hormonal alteration that better enable parenting. It may be to a greater degree for mom, but these hormonal changes in men are not learned behaviors.
So your husband works 4 days a week and is still checked out for his THREE day weekend? Why are the kids in day care on his day off? Does that day rotate so it wouldn't be feasible to have them go to day care four days a week?
Your husband needs a reality check. He should have at least one or two of the kids on his day off for some family time. He needs to know what it is like to watch a child all day long. Have him start with one of the babies if you wouldn't trust he'd keep a keen eye on the toddler well enough.
You can also challenge him to unplug for a day (or more!). See if he can, use incentives if you need to.
Any man over the age of 22 that plays video games is a loser. No ifs ands, or buts about that one.
Sounds like a nice generalization, but obviously you don't know the game if you call it a "video game" like it's out of the arcade. I get the feeling you don't care to, so I will just say that I know people with PhDs who play the game as a way to relax. There are plenty of "professionals" too. Actually these days there's a guy I know who is doing his masters at Yale playing whenever he has the opportunity which is more often than I would've guessed. Personally I work for a Fortune 15 company - I play only at night when my kids are asleep and the wife is reading her Nook. So, generalize more. As for the OP's husband, it's a bit more than just a relaxation/wind-down thing for him. He has to get his weekly sessions in.
All the people calling him an immature this and that are just comparing him with every other person who does not partake in family activities. WoW has him addicted, kids so far do next to nothing to entertain him - simple as that. He does not sound like a deadbeat dad, but could help his wife out more. To judge a relationship enough to say divorce him is beyond ridiculous to me. That goes for all internet posts saying the same thing, ever. At 6 years, the OP knows what kind of person he is outside the game. This addiction will run its course and the kids becoming more interactive should only help. If he then goes and finds another MMORPG to jump on, then I'd be worried.
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech
Simply take out the game DVD from his computer and put it in the bedroom with you. He cannot play WoW without the DVD in there (I don't think, somebody correct me if I'm wrong).
If he stays downstairs for that same amount of time, he is not gaming. My next guess would be he is having an online affair.
That's wrong about the DVD and keeping him away from the game will just make him want to play more. Another woman is always possible, but highly doubtful in this situation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by easternerDC
OK I am going to try to go through and answer some of these:
The more you answer about your husband, the more I feel like you have nothing to worry about in the long term.
I am so sorry. That simply would not fly in my house.
Here is an idea....pump enough extra milk for the twins for a few days and plan a weekend away with the girls, your mom, whatever. Leave him with the kids, tell him you are doing it because you need a break and leave. Kiss your babies and go take some well deserved time for yourself. Let him see what you do day in and day out.
Enough with the computer and the games. He is checked out and its partially your fault (not to be mean at all) because you have not sat him down and specifically said no more of this nonsense. He needs to know he is not doing his fair share and he needs to know how it is affecting you and the kids directly.
Take PP advice and "suck it up" if you feel like being a maid the rest of your life. Your husband shouldnt have married or had children if he thougt he could sit around, sleep, eat and play video games all day. That has nothing to do with not being "into fatherhood" or marriage, etc. It has everything to do with not deserving a famiy
I think that this is one of the oddest things I have ever heard from a parent. Kudos to you for all of your "helping out" but to say that babies aren't a whole lot of fun is an irrelevant argument. YOU ARE A PARENT!!! Kids are not always fun. So you stared at your baby for 5 minutes and then said, here you go wife...you can have him back? Why is Mom the automatic default? It is ok for Mom to handle the baby 95% of the time because you think he is not fun? I didn't know that making a parent smile was a prerequisite for getting some quality time with Dads. I have never spent time with my children at any age and then looked back and said it was a "waste of time" (and neither has my husband).
You know, no one is saying that you need to be completely enamoured with your baby and make goo goo faces at them all the time but that doesn't mean you get to sit out the first two years with the exception of a few diaper changes. It is a partnership. Which means that neither of the parents gets to do what they want until the needs of the baby are met. You can have your hobbies (and so can Mom!) but get you priorities straight!
It sounds odd probably because nobody here or other parenting forums want to say it. Maybe not on the forums you visit where there aren't as many dads who are being candid about their thoughts. If you visit some tech forums, you'll see how crude some mature men can be, about everything.
Mommy did the breast pumping and had her skin/contact time and I did probably an equal amount of bottle feedings (we have twins, remember) and puke cleanings, a ton of running errands for them, all doctor visits, etc. (didn't mind). She would tell me to come be with the babies and I'd think to myself "I should, but what would I do?" I'm NOT asking mommy to be with them all the other times. Simply put, there's only so much of doing nothing you can do with them when they're just staring around into space. To have to write this out seems funny to me, but it was the reality then. "Sit out"? From what exactly? Even up to last year when my boys were 4 I still remind my wife how I was right all along that I would play with them more, WHEN THEY GOT OLD ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY DO THINGS WITH ME. That is not a waste of time - I say all the time I will miss these days when they are young and fun and entertain the way they randomly talk and act. But I certainly do NOT miss the days when they were infants doing nothing. And it's not because of the hard work.
Sounds like a nice generalization, but obviously you don't know the game if you call it a "video game" like it's out of the arcade. I get the feeling you don't care to, so I will just say that I know people with PhDs who play the game as a way to relax. There are plenty of "professionals" too. Actually these days there's a guy I know who is doing his masters at Yale playing whenever he has the opportunity which is more often than I would've guessed. Personally I work for a Fortune 15 company - I play only at night when my kids are asleep and the wife is reading her Nook. So, generalize more. As for the OP's husband, it's a bit more than just a relaxation/wind-down thing for him. He has to get his weekly sessions in.
All the people calling him an immature this and that are just comparing him with every other person who does not partake in family activities. WoW has him addicted, kids so far do next to nothing to entertain him - simple as that. He does not sound like a deadbeat dad, but could help his wife out more. To judge a relationship enough to say divorce him is beyond ridiculous to me. That goes for all internet posts saying the same thing, ever. At 6 years, the OP knows what kind of person he is outside the game. This addiction will run its course and the kids becoming more interactive should only help. If he then goes and finds another MMORPG to jump on, then I'd be worried.
The addiction will run it's course when the kids become more entertaining? Would you tell someone with an alcoholic spouse that too? Addiction is addiction. Gaming may not be as damaging to ones body as drinking but it can be just as damaging to relationships. This guy probably needs some help or it's going to get worse, not better.
The addiction will run it's course when the kids become more entertaining? Would you tell someone with an alcoholic spouse that too? Addiction is addiction. Gaming may not be as damaging to ones body as drinking but it can be just as damaging to relationships. This guy probably needs some help or it's going to get worse, not better.
First of all, that's not exactly what I said, is it?
Lots of by-the-book people here (and on the Internet in general). I speak in this thread from experience only. I am not a psychologist. I feel I am/was very much like the OP's husband.
I appreciate any thoughts or ideas from others who have been through this. Divorce really is not an option because honestly, I don't want to share custody of my children.
Are you sure your husband is playing games? The thought that kept coming to mind was online pornography. Very common, and very addicting. All addictions are difficult to deal with when the addict is in denial. The family needs to learn how to live in that situation, if they choose to remain. It is doable with the right help.
I didn't read all the responses, but my other thought was, have you sought professional counseling. It is frequently better to work with a professional, than work through these issues with friends, even close or Internet/ forum friends.
Edit: I'm glad to see that you have started marital counseling. Keep going even if he won't go. Good luck to you!
Last edited by caligirlz; 07-22-2013 at 09:37 PM..
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