Getting Dad to be More Involved... (day care, wakes up, baby, toddlers)

[Osito]

Originally Posted by fancykayah

If I had a husband like the original poster there would be no way I'd be married to him presently. However, I wouldn't of had 3 young children in such a short period of time. I'd be too exhausted to get anything done. I think its quite unfair for a man to check out when he has kids unless he said it straight from the jump he didn't want kids or he wasn't good with them etc. Was this gaming thing a surprise to the OP? I'd never be with a guy who couldn't do anything else. I've been accused of being to into sports and exercise a little excessively but I don't have children to deal with either. Good luck OP you'll need it with your husband it seems~

If this man didn't want kids, he could've taken steps to be sure it never happened. Why do people always act like it's all on the woman when kids are born? It takes two to create kids.

[don1945]

Unfortunately, some men still cling to that archaic attitude that the house and kids are the sole responsibility of the woman. Sounds like you picked that kind of man to marry. With 3 young kids you need all the help you can get, and your Husband is missing out on the best part of having children by not being more involved.

I feel sorry for you and for the kids, this guy is very immature and insensitive. As hard as it is, you need to force him to shape up or hit the road. You wouldn't be missing anything, he isn't all that involved anyway.

Don

[Stijl Council]

Framing your goals positively, we have:

1. You would like him to participate in the bedtime process until the kids are comfortably ensconced.
2. You would like him to spend more time doing things as a family on the weekends.
3. You would like him to take a more equitable share of the nighttime and early morning wakings.

I think you would also like him to want to do those things, and to do them out of love for you and the kids, but that's out of your control. Similarly, I'm sure you'd like him to spend less time on the games but that is much less within your control. I don't think what you want is at all out of line, though, and while you probably won't get all of it I bet you can get more than you're getting.

I think yours is a situation where marital counseling would make a ton of sense, because in addition to the gaming addiction a lot of this could be a communication issue. I doubt you'll get him to go with you but I think you could benefit quite a bit from going yourself -- not because you're at fault or anything like that, but because the strategies you're using to negotiate responsibilities with your husband clearly aren't working, and you need to figure out some new ones.

A couple of the things you want you might be able to socially engineer a bit. Would it be possible to start the bedtime routine any earlier so that more of the work is done by 8:00? (I know that might be impossible, but it's worth asking.) If you make plans that have the whole family out of the house until naptime on a weekend, how does he respond?

[steelstress]

So, he puts the kids in bed, reads 3 stories, and what's the problem? Did I miss/forget something?

[aliss2]

This isn't so much a lack of involvement with children but him not spending any time with you as a partner, isn't it? My husband doesn't do any of that stuff like nursing the baby (my kids are the same age although I concede my 8 month old is not a twin) or bathing the toddler but after they go to bed, we sit and spend time together as a couple. I suspect his little-involvement in the child rearing would not be an issue if he was with YOU and not on the computer until 1-2am.

1-2am with video games and a couple of 8 month old babies? I would strongly be considering whether or not he is actually chatting to another woman online too. There is a very real chance he is addicted to computer games but I also would want to know other possibilities as to why he has checked out of your marriage.

[Missingatlanta]

I'm sorry but the computer games would have to go. Sounds like he is addicted to me. I think you two should look into marital counseling. Sometimes marriage counseling can open up a person's eyes more about their faults than their spouse can.

[convextech]

Originally Posted by easternerDC

5-6 nights a week, he leaves promptly at 8:00 pm even though no one is ever sleep at 8:00 pm, because he "needs" to go play his computer game.
...
But he would rather play his computer game. the most he will do is spend maybe an hour with us, but then he needs "a break"and runs to our basement to play his computer game.
...
My DH has gotten up maybe a handful of times in the past 8 months. He stays up really late on the weekends playing his computer game - usually until 1:30 - 2 am, then has to sleep in until 8 or 9.
...
DH is tired and needs more sleep. Yeah.
...
TO be fair usually once a month he will let me sleep in, and today he watched the kids for 30 minutes so I could get a morning nap, but after that he needed a break and had to go play his game.
...
I don't want to share custody of my children.

If I were married to that POS, I would divorce him and move on with my life. He is doing nothing for you. And yes, divorce IS an option, and I doubt he would want custody. Come on. He isn't there for you or the kids. Get rid of the deadweight.

This makes me angry for you.

[Marlow]

Originally Posted by easternerDC

So as the title states, I am struggling right now with my family. I would like it if my husband were more involved with our family. We have a 30 month old daughter and 8 month old twins. I am looking for ideas to encourage him to be more involved. Or perhaps just an outsider perspective to tell me that perhaps I am demanding too much, and/or I should appreciate what he does do.

My first "complaint": Bed time.
We start bedtime at 7:30 after dinner. DH starts the bath and gets our toddler in the bath. 50% of the time he brings his tablet with him (which drives me NUTS, and he usually puts it down when I remind him that it is dangerous). I get the stuff for the twins, and bring them in, and he helps me bathe them and gets one dressed while I watch the toddler and bathe the other. HE then helps get our toddler dressed for bed, gets her some warm milk, then reads her 3 stories and puts her in her bed. While this is going on, I am nursing the twins, and getting them settled for bed. 5-6 nights a week, he leaves promptly at 8:00 pm even though no one is ever sleep at 8:00 pm, because he "needs" to go play his computer game. It is often really hard to get them all to settle down all by myself, and my requests to help seem to go unheard, and he things just sitting there is boring.

First, it's a terrible feeling, as well as frustrating, when a legitimate request to a spouse goes "unheard." Second, it IS boring to just sit there. But guess what? A great deal of parenting is very boring. He still needs to do 50% of it.

My second "complaint": Weekends
I have expressed my desire to do family stuff on the weekends, since we both work. But he would rather play his computer game. the most he will do is spend maybe an hour with us, but then he needs "a break"and runs to our basement to play his computer game. I try to come up with ideas but its exhausting trying to find ways to get him to spend time with his family.

He's not putting you and your family first. Another frustration.

My third "complaint": sleeping

I am the one who gets up in the middle of the night. My DH has gotten up maybe a handful of times in the past 8 months. He stays up really late on the weekends playing his computer game - usually until 1:30 - 2 am, then has to sleep in until 8 or 9. The babies have been up all night fussing and crying for the past few weeks and I am up all night trying to settle everyone down. When they finally "wake up" for the day at around 6 am, I am the one who has to play with them and watch them because DH is tired and needs more sleep. Yeah. TO be fair usually once a month he will let me sleep in, and today he watched the kids for 30 minutes so I could get a morning nap, but after that he needed a break and had to go play his game.

I appreciate any thoughts or ideas from others who have been through this. Divorce really is not an option because honestly, I don't want to share custody of my children.

I don't blame you one bit for being tired and frustrated with this situation. But, as I think you understand, it's not a parenting issue but rather a relationship issue. You and the babies are not as important to him as whatever it is he's doing on the computer. As others have said, you probably are going to need some marriage counseling if this is going to change. For whatever reason, he's become disengaged with the rest of you. I don't really have any advice for you other than to seek out a good marriage counselor and if he won't go with you, go by yourself. And don't be shy about telling him why: "I've tried to talk with you about this but you don't want to hear it. So I'm going to talk to a professional to see if I can figure out a way to continue to live with the status quo. I want you to come with me, but if you won't, I'm still going."

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by steelstress

So, he puts the kids in bed, reads 3 stories, and what's the problem? Did I miss/forget something?

Yes, you missed 2/3 of the op.

[JanND]

Originally Posted by easternerDC

So as the title states, I am struggling right now with my family. I would like it if my husband were more involved with our family. We have a 30 month old daughter and 8 month old twins. I am looking for ideas to encourage him to be more involved. Or perhaps just an outsider perspective to tell me that perhaps I am demanding too much, and/or I should appreciate what he does do.

My first "complaint": Bed time.
We start bedtime at 7:30 after dinner. DH starts the bath and gets our toddler in the bath. 50% of the time he brings his tablet with him (which drives me NUTS, and he usually puts it down when I remind him that it is dangerous). I get the stuff for the twins, and bring them in, and he helps me bathe them and gets one dressed while I watch the toddler and bathe the other. HE then helps get our toddler dressed for bed, gets her some warm milk, then reads her 3 stories and puts her in her bed. While this is going on, I am nursing the twins, and getting them settled for bed. 5-6 nights a week, he leaves promptly at 8:00 pm even though no one is ever sleep at 8:00 pm, because he "needs" to go play his computer game. It is often really hard to get them all to settle down all by myself, and my requests to help seem to go unheard, and he things just sitting there is boring.


My second "complaint": Weekends
I have expressed my desire to do family stuff on the weekends, since we both work. But he would rather play his computer game. the most he will do is spend maybe an hour with us, but then he needs "a break"and runs to our basement to play his computer game. I try to come up with ideas but its exhausting trying to find ways to get him to spend time with his family.


My third "complaint": sleeping

I am the one who gets up in the middle of the night. My DH has gotten up maybe a handful of times in the past 8 months. He stays up really late on the weekends playing his computer game - usually until 1:30 - 2 am, then has to sleep in until 8 or 9. The babies have been up all night fussing and crying for the past few weeks and I am up all night trying to settle everyone down. When they finally "wake up" for the day at around 6 am, I am the one who has to play with them and watch them because DH is tired and needs more sleep. Yeah. TO be fair usually once a month he will let me sleep in, and today he watched the kids for 30 minutes so I could get a morning nap, but after that he needed a break and had to go play his game.

I appreciate any thoughts or ideas from others who have been through this. Divorce really is not an option because honestly, I don't want to share custody of my children.

Moderator Cut. Break the damn computer.