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irish--I'm curious about your MC. Has he or she asked the two of you to establish goals for your therapy? A good therapist will do so. A good therapist doesn't want to see you forever. He or she wants to help you manage your own life and marriage and be done with it.
Why is it that she does things that she knows will make me feel bad? I'll answer my own question. If I feel bad then I cave and give into her and help her revert back to her spoiled rotten years her dad put up with. I kind of blame her parents, had they not spoiled her than maybe I wouldn't be dealing with it. But in hindsight I helped create this mess.
Yeah and she promises to do better and the therapist tells me it takes time and no, no divorce lawyer.
Your therapist is right. Your wife's behavior won't change anytime soon. Even if you don't cave in, she'll keep trying until you set a new pattern. This may take years. And let's just forget about the divorce lawyer. I think even now you realize that you're never going to see one, and never wanted to. You actually hinted to that earlier by mentioning your pre-nup.
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishfan77
Why is it that she does things that she knows will make me feel bad? I'll answer my own question. If I feel bad then I cave and give into her and help her revert back to her spoiled rotten years her dad put up with. I kind of blame her parents, had they not spoiled her than maybe I wouldn't be dealing with it. But in hindsight I helped create this mess.
Umm, irishfan77, this has nothing to do with her parents. You married her. You have a child with her. You are both adults and parents. It's a bit late in the game to blame her parents. And if you are going to blame them, then you should be fair and also blame your parents for your role in this situation for more than 18 years. I don't know if you helped create it so much as you were drawn to it (her) - which your parents disapproved of - and have become quite addicted to it.
So your wife is spoiled. This is part of who she is, her personality. You knew this going into the marriage. But, has your therapist discussed the co-dependency going on in your marriage and household? This truly is the root of most of the issues in your marriage and your son's delayed maturity, IMO. The three of you are, IMHO, dependent upon one another for your own individual wants and needs, in an unhealthy way.
I had no idea it was going to be like this when we got married. I thought this was just the way she was with her parents
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom
Well at some point, during the 19 years you've been married, it hasn'toccurred to you this isn't normal? I can't wrap my head around that.
I was thinking the same things.
There are some things that my spouse does that I ignored/minimized for quite some time.
But 19 years, is really a long time to be blind to her manipulating and childish behaviors.
I had no idea it was going to be like this when we got married. I thought this was just the way she was with her parents
EVERYBODY thinks this about their spouse's negative qualities.
That's why I always say that nothing magic happens to change you or your spouse when you say your vows. You are the very same people the day after you marry that you were the day BEFORE you married.
Not only did you have a less-than-deal start as teen parents, but your relationship also had the unfortunate SIX YEARS of stagnation while you were at school.
So she apparently was living at home with her parents and her new little baby toy, re-establishing the same spoiled behavior that set in motion in her childhood. Then once you graduate, it's like, "OK let's be a married couple raising a child now!"
And you've tried that all these years. But as you can see, it has not worked as well as you had hoped.
Didn't OP say she was living on her own in an apartment when he was at school?
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