I don't know how I should feel about this (divorce, pregnant, parent)
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I didn't read it all, but honestly I'd be going to marriage counseling at this point and maybe even taking a good hard look at my marriage. And your kid at 18 with no college plans you probably don't need to pay child support and besides any property you two can go separate ways. I'm not big into ultimatums but I think you need one here. You aren't asking much except for your son to be an adult, no job until he's 21? By that time employers will say "so you sat on your ass for 3 years, no college, no job, yeah, we aren't even going to interview you."
Also the part about the pre-nup they signed at 18/19.
Yes and she promises to change but never lasts more than a short amount of time
That's because she is selfish and only interested in her well being and not yours or your son's. She has no real incentive to change because there are no consequences involved. She plays you like a fiddle and knows you aren't going to do anything but take it. All she has to do is cry and tell you she doesn't want a divorce and you back down. It such a shame.
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Originally Posted by irishfan77
I just can't understand why she can't leave her teen years behind. I mean yeah, my teen years were cool, but I'd rather have my son.
Frankly, I think she's using it as a crutch and smoke screen to mask what's really going on. I think she is pulling that crap on you because she has latched on to the fact that "dwelling in/on her past" gives her an accepted and plausable way (psychologically speaking) to explain her behavior. She is very clever and would rather you and your son think she's "stuck in the past" than have you realize what a manipulative and selfish person she really is. Don't get me wrong. I think her maturity level is definitely stunted but also I think a lot of the talk about her teen years is just BS on her part.
Last edited by Sweet*Tea; 08-01-2013 at 07:02 PM..
Reason: typo
Just curious why this thread is still in the Parenting forum?
Early, early on I contemplated moving it. I took a vote. The vote was to leave it here. Now, it's gone on way too long to even think about moving it. And, it's a pretty tame thread.
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Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
I recall early on thinking the group of bottom-dwellers who haunt the Relationships forum would not help at all. At this point, I'm thinking Psychology would be a better fit than Parenting, though.
Nah. It's gone on too long. Besides, most posters here know the entire story and it's pretty lengthy. Now, it just has to stay. When I thought of moving it, it was much earlier in its creation.
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Originally Posted by steelstress
The topic vacilates between her issues with their son, and Irish's issues with her and their marriage. They're both intertwined together.
^^This...for the most part the OP's marriage issues revolve around his son, whom both he and his wife are trying to "parent."
[quote=Sweet*Tea;30773059] She has no real incentive to change because there are no consequences involved. She plays you like a fiddle and knows you aren't going to do anything but take it. All she has to do is cry and you back down.
I don't want to " defend" my behavior but I will say this. I think if any man made his wife cry and lock herself in her room, than that man would definitely back down. I mean I'm put in a tough spot, if i don't back down then I get A) more crying b) pouting or c) silent treatments. Even though its the dumber of the 2 options, by backing down I don't deal with A, B, or C. And its no fun when she's crying, pouting or giving me blank stares. We've had situations where she'll give me sad puppy dog eyes( or folded arms), I'll ask " are you still mad?", she'll answer yes, and the next thing you know she's got the credit card in hand and is online shopping up a storm and suddenly she isn't mad. Again I'm not proud of it but I did it.
Last edited by irishfan77; 08-02-2013 at 01:26 AM..
She has no real incentive to change because there are no consequences involved. She plays you like a fiddle and knows you aren't going to do anything but take it. All she has to do is cry and you back down.
I don't want to " defend" my behavior but I will say this. I think if any man made his wife cry and lock herself in her room, than that man would definitely back down. I mean I'm put in a tough spot, if i don't back down then I get A) more crying b) pouting or c) silent treatments. Even though its the dumber of the 2 options, by backing down I don't deal with A, B, or C. And its no fun when she's crying, pouting or giving me blank stares. We've had situations where she'll give me sad puppy dog eyes( or folded arms), I'll ask " are you still mad?", she'll answer yes, and the next thing you know she's got the credit card in hand and is online shopping up a storm and suddenly she isn't mad. Again I'm not proud of it but I did it.
I'll tell you what's really going on. There is one very important thing you are not getting.
You did not "make her cry and lock herself in her room."
You are not in charge of her emotions.
Sometimes we cry when we're upset, but it was HER CHOICE to lock herself in her room. IF YOU DON'T STOP BACKING DOWN, YOU WILL NEVER FIX YOUR MARRIAGE.
Think of it like a tunnel. If you keep turning around when it's dark, you will never make it to the other side. You have to go THROUGH the tunnel.
SO WHAT if you get more crying, pouting or silent treatment? It's NO FUN? Not it's not. That's why she does it, because she knows you will let her continue walking all over you.
You came here because it was no fun being you, remember? You were unhappy with the way she treats you and your son. You will have to experience some of that pain to see any change. Your wife is pathological, and you HAVE to understand that this process is not going to be like a nice conversation over dinner, with hugs at the end. It has to get ugly to get fixed because you and your wife have to change some behaviors you've been practicing for 20 years.
She has no real incentive to change because there are no consequences involved. She plays you like a fiddle and knows you aren't going to do anything but take it. All she has to do is cry and you back down.
I don't want to " defend" my behavior but I will say this. I think if any man made his wife cry and lock herself in her room, than that man would definitely back down. I mean I'm put in a tough spot, if i don't back down then I get A) more crying b) pouting or c) silent treatments. Even though its the dumber of the 2 options, by backing down I don't deal with A, B, or C. And its no fun when she's crying, pouting or giving me blank stares. We've had situations where she'll give me sad puppy dog eyes( or folded arms), I'll ask " are you still mad?", she'll answer yes, and the next thing you know she's got the credit card in hand and is online shopping up a storm and suddenly she isn't mad. Again I'm not proud of it but I did it.
No, you're wrong--any man that made his wife cry and lock herself in her room would not back down. It's childish and immature behavior on her part. You continue to reward it just enough to maintain it. I'm not talking about being abusive towards her, but I am suggesting you need to stand up for yourself when you are right.
Myself and others have posted here dozens of times that fixing your marriage will not be easy and will not be fun. It's even likely to become more difficult before it becomes better. Only you can decide it it's worth it.
Irish--do you want to live in this pattern for the rest of your life? Will you be happy? If you can honestly say yes, then so be it. Continue on as you are.
I don't think though that you are happy or want to continue in this way. You wouldn't be here if you were. I've suggested before that you can fix this now or deal with it later in your life. Dealing with it later will be much more difficult and may bring new levels of hardship with it.
The two of you have a co-dependent relationship. You enable her behavior and it's much like an "addiction" for you. It's hard to break any addiction. Read up on the spouses of alcoholics. You behave like one in many ways.
What if you set small goals for yourself? One week at a time you don't respond to her immature behavior--the pouting, etc. One week becomes two, becomes a month, and becomes a new future.
I've asked before, what is your vision or dream for this marriage? What would the two of you being EQUAL partners look like?
The last 2 posts are right on and OP would be wise to read them over and over again.
OP. does your therapist know about your CD threads? Would you dare print them out and ask her/him to review them just for comments and ideas? You have been given such excellent advise and obviously many thoughtful people are invested in your story and are trying to help.
I don't want to " defend" my behavior but I will say this. I think if any man made his wife cry and lock herself in her room, than that man would definitely back down. I
I can tell you unequivocally that if I were to throw a temper tantrum, my husband would laugh in my face. I know this because I used to be an immature little punk and tried it. There is a difference between genuine distress and manipulation.
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mean I'm put in a tough spot, if i don't back down then I get A) more crying b) pouting or c) silent treatments.
Of course you do. Your limits are soft. She has to keep doing what has always worked until you give in.
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Even though its the dumber of the 2 options, by backing down I don't deal with A, B, or C. And its no fun when she's crying, pouting or giving me blank stares. We've had situations where she'll give me sad puppy dog eyes( or folded arms), I'll ask " are you still mad?", she'll answer yes, and the next thing you know she's got the credit card in hand and is online shopping up a storm and suddenly she isn't mad. Again I'm not proud of it but I did it.
Why do you even bother going to therapy? I REALLY think rolling over and going back to your old habits totally is the only fair and reasonable thing to do. This halvsies land is nuts.
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