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I'll play along...OK, I could possibly agree that the first time your wife started crying and locked herself in her room, you felt bad. I can definitely understand that.
But when she does it over and over again? How does that make you feel? You must be getting angry at some point???
She has no real incentive to change because there are no consequences involved. She plays you like a fiddle and knows you aren't going to do anything but take it. All she has to do is cry and you back down.
We've had situations where she'll give me sad puppy dog eyes( or folded arms), I'll ask " are you still mad?", she'll answer yes, and the next thing you know she's got the credit card in hand and is online shopping up a storm and suddenly she isn't mad. Again I'm not proud of it but I did it.
This is the equivalent of putting a sign on your back with a target that says "kick me."
She's manipulating you like nobody's business. You need to take that sign off, let her cry, let her be mad. So the hell what? She'll get tired of it when she sees that you can stand up for yourself and won't be kissing her nether regions.
As I mentioned pages ago, your wife using her "lost" teen years as an excuse for her current bad behavior is just ridiculous. Many of us have regrets over events and choices we made years ago, but have moved on. She is manipulating you into feeling guilty and having to make it up to her that you "got" her pregnant and "abandoned" her for the first few years while you were away "living it up" at college. It was a long time ago.
If she felt as though her options for a career were thwarted, she can go to school now, and still have many years of a rewarding career ahead of her. But you said she has no interest in doing that. So what exactly will it take to make her happy in the years ahead when your son starts his own adult life?
You mentioned she exhibited the same behavior to her father while she was living at home when she didn't get her way. So obviously it is not something you are responsible for, even though she is trying to make it appear that way to you.
You can be sorry she is upset, but not sorry for whatever caused her to be, if you feel you are in the right. That is the difference. And if you are in the right, there is no need to make anything up to her. She is an adult and she needs to handle her emotions in a mature way. That is what she needs to be striving for in counseling.
As I mentioned pages ago, your wife using her "lost" teen years as anexcuse for her current bad behavior is just ridiculous. Many of us have regrets over events and choices we made years ago, but have moved on. She is manipulating you into feeling guilty and having to make it up to her that you "got" her pregnant and "abandoned" her for the first few years while you were away "living it up" at college. It was a long time ago.
If she felt as though her options for a career were thwarted, she can go to school now, and still have many years of a rewarding career ahead of her. But you said she has no interest in doing that. So what exactly will it take to make her happy in the years ahead when your son starts his own adult life?
You mentioned she exhibited the same behavior to her father while she was living at home when she didn't get her way.So obviously it is not something you are responsible for, even though she is trying to make it appear that way to you.
You can be sorry she is upset, but not sorry for whatever caused her to be, if you feel you are in the right. That is the difference. And if you are in the right, there is no need to make anything up to her. She is an adult and she needs to handle her emotions in a mature way. That is what she needs to be striving for in counseling.
I don't want to " defend" my behavior but I will say this. I think if any man made his wife cry and lock herself in her room, than that man would definitely back down. I mean I'm put in a tough spot, if i don't back down then I get A) more crying b) pouting or c) silent treatments. Even though its the dumber of the 2 options, by backing down I don't deal with A, B, or C. And its no fun when she's crying, pouting or giving me blank stares. We've had situations where she'll give me sad puppy dog eyes( or folded arms), I'll ask " are you still mad?", she'll answer yes, and the next thing you know she's got the credit card in hand and is online shopping up a storm and suddenly she isn't mad. Again I'm not proud of it but I did it.
See? This is why everyone says you yourself need therapy. You don't even see/realize just unhealthy this situation is that you're so (blindly, apparently) willing to deal with the threat of "A, B, or C" over and over and over. Moderator Cut.
My husband would never back down. In fact, if I were to throw a temper tantrum/crying fits, he'd just tell me to get over it and walk away. Its done, he will not deal nor will be made to "deal" with a temper tantrum/fit. He grew up with a toxic family that thrives off of drama and emotional torture. He doesn't want to live through that again. That's why he's with me because I don't try to get "my way" through manipulation tactics, he knows I'll just say my piece and that we'll work it out... through COMMUNICATION and RESPECT.
Moderator Cut. Its very possible that you'll never have either. You've allowed your son to watch this drama and emotional torture and normalized it for him. I don't understand-- and I'm sure others agree too-- why you still want to be in this marriage where you have such disrespect and non-communication? You've seen how much stock your wife has put into her promises of change.
Last edited by Jaded; 08-03-2013 at 01:51 AM..
Reason: Unnecessary remarks.
I don't want to " defend" my behavior but I will say this. I think if any man made his wife cry and lock herself in her room, than that man would definitely back down. I mean I'm put in a tough spot, if i don't back down then I get A) more crying b) pouting or c) silent treatments. Even though its the dumber of the 2 options, by backing down I don't deal with A, B, or C. [B
And its no fun when she's crying, pouting or giving me blank stares. We've had situations where she'll give me sad puppy dog eyes( or folded arms),[/b] I'll ask " are you still mad?", she'll answer yes, and the next thing you know she's got the credit card in hand and is online shopping up a storm and suddenly she isn't mad. Again I'm not proud of it but I did it.
Of course it's no fun! She makes sure of that so you will give in and let her have her way. Don't you get this? Do you really think she's going to give up all this control she has over you without a fight??? Hell no! She's going to fight you every step of the way. When crying doesn't work, she'll try pouting. When that doesn't work, she'll give you the silent treatment. She will keep escalating the unpleasantness until you cave in. And guess what?? It works and you fall for it every time. Mission accomplished.
As others have stated, you have got to realize it's not going to be easy standing up to your wife and putting an end to this BS. It's going to get worse before it get's better (if it ever does) because she's NOT GOING TO RELINQUISH THE CONTROL WITHOUT A FIGHT. If you want things to change, you are going to have to accept this and steel yourself for the ugliness. If you can't stand up to her, then just admit this to yourself and forget any hopes of having a healthy marriage.
What does your therapist suggest you do when your wife throws her little temper tantrums? How does he suggest you act when she pouts and cries?
Talk it out calmly for everything ( pouting, crying, etc). Unfortunately that doesn't at home, I think everyone here knows what happens.
Well do you tell your therapist it doesn't work?
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