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Gosh, I sympathize the with the daughter. This has to be a hard time for her with the brother getting so much attention. The brother was sounding sort of "perfect" as being described and so pleasing to mom. Mom wants to throw a Sweet 16 party for who? I am thinking Mom! I don't see the problem with giving her the money instead of throwing the party since the birthday is hers. I think she feels justifiably left out. I think more effort needs to be put into making sure she feels valued during this time when the brother and what he is doing is taking precedence over everything "family". About the game, I think the message was that it should be considered important to the family since it was so important to her. I think she needs some TLC as in reality. I see the message "Care about me." And maybe you do and maybe you try to show it but at this time, I don't she feels it. She has to feel it in order for it to count.
Ok, so you hate or dislike your daughter because she isn't like you or her brother...rather sad she can't have her own opinions and outlook on life. You want her to feel a certain way about things but fail to realoze she is 15..you want her to think maturely, but treat her like a child. There is no consistency and part of that you need to take accountability for that. You keep pushing and she will push back.
I think that's way out of line. It's not about hating or disliking her daughter! It's about not liking the way her daughter is behaving. She is frustrated, because her daughter is behaving in an unkind, disrespectful fashion. She's looking for help. Posts like this are NOT helpful!
I also think she was trying to throw a sweet 16 party for her daughter because she wanted her to feel special and get lots of attention. The daughter is clearly just rebelling...PERIOD! Maybe she doesn't want a party, but the mother here IS trying! The daughter is simply enjoying pulling strings. "Pay attention to me!".....when attention is paid, she's saying....."That's not good enough! Stop paying attention to me. Just give me money!"
Gosh, I sympathize the with the daughter. This has to be a hard time for her with the brother getting so much attention. The brother was sounding sort of "perfect" as being described and so pleasing to mom. Mom wants to throw a Sweet 16 party for who? I am thinking Mom! I don't see the problem with giving her the money instead of throwing the party since the birthday is hers. I think she feels justifiably left out. I think more effort needs to be put into making sure she feels valued during this time when the brother and what he is doing is taking precedence over everything "family". About the game, I think the message was that it should be considered important to the family since it was so important to her. I think she needs some TLC as in reality. I see the message "Care about me." And maybe you do and maybe you try to show it but at this time, I don't she feels it. She has to feel it in order for it to count.
Sure, maybe she's feeling left out, but also.....don't forget, there are people out there who simply MUST be the center of attention at all times. They are not content unless all eyes are on them. No one deserves attention more than they do. In order to live a productive life, to mesh with society, they need to understand that it ISN'T always just about them!
No, it isn't out of line in my opinion. She has wrote soooo many things about what she doesn't like about her daughter, but yet I have read no positive qualities what so ever posted about the daughter from the OP. As someone who was felt like my own mother treated me the same way that the OP is treating her own daughter (except brother was my twin), I feel for the daughter. Needless to say, instead of going to college as planned after highschool, I high tailed it to the military and haven't spoken to my mother since...that was in 1996. A parent has EVERY right to be in charge, but the child also has a right to their feelings and those feelings should be listened to instead of ignored.
I think that's way out of line. It's not about hating or disliking her daughter! It's about not liking the way her daughter is behaving. She is frustrated, because her daughter is behaving in an unkind, disrespectful fashion. She's looking for help. Posts like this are NOT helpful!
I also think she was trying to throw a sweet 16 party for her daughter because she wanted her to feel special and get lots of attention. The daughter is clearly just rebelling...PERIOD! Maybe she doesn't want a party, but the mother here IS trying! The daughter is simply enjoying pulling strings. "Pay attention to me!".....when attention is paid, she's saying....."That's not good enough! Stop paying attention to me. Just give me money!"
While I agree that it is not helpful to just criticize the OP, I do think that it helps the OP to see herself as others see her. The OP has a few things going on at one time. I think that makes it difficult to deal with in one post.
Firstly, her DD is behaving disrespectfully. This should not really be tolerated. She should not be permitted to be nasty to her mother. For this issue the OP needs to be firm and enforce consequences on her DD. I think she knows how to do this.
The OPs DH is not helping her with this issue. He needs to be on board. She has gotten excellent advice on this issue and it sounds like her DH recognizes his role in solving the issue of tension in the house. YAY CD!!!!
The OPs DD is dealing with her brother possibly leaving the family and starting his own life. This can be very emotional for teens. My own 15 year old is very upset that his brother will be leaving for college next school year. I think that the OPs DD is having problems with this issue. I think that the OP is seeing it as nastiness. My own son has become a little melancholy. Different kids have different reactions. The OP needs to allot some time for her DD so that they can talk about the issue and perhaps the OP can make it easier for her DD. We have made time for our sons to do some special things together before our oldest leaves. My middle son really does seem to be taking it pretty hard that his brother will be gone.
The last thing going on is that the OP is a control freak. She is not allowing her DD to become her own person. Teens are finding their place in the world and their place in the world might not be the same as the place their parents envision for them. The OP needs to back off and allow her DD to decide whether she wants to go to church, and generally give her more authority over he own life.
Of course this is one of the most difficult things we have to do as parents. From the day our children are born we see ourselves as their protectors and the people who will guide them, always. But the truth is that they grow up and during the mid teen years we need to allow them to have more control over their own choices while still maintaining some authority over them. It is a difficult balancing act and most parents have some problems with this (myself included).
I think that while church may be important to the OP it is not important to her DD. I think the OP needs to let her make her own choices in this area. I think that the OP should sit down with her DD and find out what she might like to do for her 16th birthday. Does she want a party? A family celebration? How would she like to celebrate. The OP can solicit her opinion without offering up cash in lieu of a party. Soliciting her opinion and input does not mean giving her 100% control, but it is her birthday and perhaps she should have some input into the celebration.
I think the OP will get a wide variety of opinions and ultimately that helps her even if she does not agree with each and every one. It makes her think about what is going on and that ultimately makes her a better parent.
NEO--This is not about YOU. Although it is understandable that you are projecting your personal feelings and past experiences here.....this is not you or about you. I'm not being rude here, but clearly we're seeing things differently.
MB.... if this was a new thing...I'd agree with you. The OP said that this has been her daughter's behavior, her entire life.
NEO--This is not about YOU. Although it is understandable that you are projecting your personal feelings and past experiences here.....this is not you or about you. I'm not being rude here, but clearly we're seeing things differently.
MB.... if this was a new thing...I'd agree with you. The OP said that this has been her daughter's behavior, her entire life.
I thought she said she was like this as a toddler, it went away and now has come back as a teen?
NEO--This is not about YOU. Although it is understandable that you are projecting your personal feelings and past experiences here.....this is not you or about you. I'm not being rude here, but clearly we're seeing things differently.
MB.... if this was a new thing...I'd agree with you. The OP said that this has been her daughter's behavior, her entire life.
Beachmel, I never said it was about me. I don't want it to be about me. All I was trying to show is HOW I can understand where the daughter is coming from on why she might be showing a hostile attitude towards her mother. Excuse me for offering up another perspective that isn't all on the OP's side.
The issues maybe normal,but the fact that ALL of them are present in one child and that they are being directed at me, and me only; for the most part, is NOT OK! Not for me.
If they are being directed at you and you only, you really need to look at your relationship with her. It sounds to me as if you favor her brother and don't like her much. You might be able to *make* her behave with your dh's backing, but that won't change how she feels about you and it may mean that when she is an adult, she will not do what you would like at all.
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