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She is 17 yo and an honor student and smart as she can be, but it would seem that she lacks a great deal of empathy. My mother just died early yesterday morning and I've had little sleep since then and I came home this afternoon and found the house a mess--again. I was irritated to say the least and made her come clean it up. Later, I asked her to go to dinner with me this evening but she said that she was going over to her dad's to watch movies tonight. I asked her to cancel but she said she didn't want to b/c she hasn't seen him since last weekend. I was very, very hurt and didn't press her b/c dammed if I'll make anyone spend time with me and later he texted her and told her that maybe she needed to be with me after what happened. (The man is about as sensitive as an old shoe but even he was more sympathetic than she was.) Then she came in and said she wanted to go to dinner with me but by that time I was completely outraged and told her to forget it and go to her dad's. She lied and told me that she had said that she wanted to go to dinner and I hadn't listened but I know for a fact that's not true and I repeated word for word back to her what she said and she just walked off and sulked. I swear, I cannot look at her now and am wondering if I'm just being oversensitive or if she's completely lacking in human feelings.
Another bit of background of why I"m so outraged by this is that the ex has seen her for an average of about 1 hour/week since he left 3 years ago, but lately has fallen off to about 1 hour in 2 weeks and this while I was having to go out of town and take care of things with my mother and he couldn't even be bothered to come see his dd while I was doing that and now she'd rather spend time with him than be with me when I need her the most. And I might add that we generally have a good and affectionate relationship--there's usually not that much teenage angst with her and what a bad time for it to rear its ugly head. Can this even be fixed? As I said, my ex did and said some pretty insensitive things during our 23 year marriage, but even he knows that when someone is hurting you spend time with them.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
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I'm really sorry to hear about your mother's death, stepka. You must be very emotional and not thinking too straight at the moment. I'm not going to comment on your daughter's behaviour - there seem to be issues there that need resolving. But my opinion is, even if someone is being really insensitive, getting too emotional about it will not help the situation - this just annoys people who lack empathy anyway. I wish you well.
First of all - Please accept my most heartfelt sympathies for your loss.
I don't know your daughter, and I don't know if she was close to your Mom, but I could imagine, that ( maybe) was her way to handle her grief?? Maybe she felt lost and didn't know how to handle the situation? Maybe she just wanted to escape ?
I can understand that you're hurting and disappointed that your daughter isn't being more sympathetic and offering you comfort during this time. However, not all teenagers are comfortable with dealing with loss and watching their parents grieve. Instead of pushing her away because you're angry and hurt, share with her how you are feeling and express to her that you would love her companionship.
Don't punish her by not talking to her. This sad time may bring you both closer together and may be a learning moment for her.
Sometimes people (esp teenagers) can be clueless and insensitive. I doubt she "gets" that you need her, nor does she probably understand the hugeness of losing a mother.
Teens can demonstrate very selfish and immature behavior, and a crisis is no exception. Was she close to her grandmother? Maybe her way of coping is denial and avoidance. If I were you I would relay the importance of having her there for you during this difficult time since teens can often be aloof and sometimes unaware of just how urgent a situation can be.
I am sincerely sorry to hear of your mom's passing Stepka. If you need a place to vent drop me a line or two anytime. Warmest regards.
Please accept my condolences stepka. Dont be too hard on her. Some people have very different ways of handling death. They say I was unresponsive for 48hrs when i lost my grand father several years ago. I dont remember much of it but he was one of my favorite relative and I didnt take his passing very well.
I can understand that you're hurting and disappointed that your daughter isn't being more sympathetic and offering you comfort during this time. However, not all teenagers are comfortable with dealing with loss and watching their parents grieve. Instead of pushing her away because you're angry and hurt, share with her how you are feeling and express to her that you would love her companionship.
Don't punish her by pushing her away. This sad time may bring you both closer together and maybe be a learning moment for her.
You know, I know this is good advice but I couldn't talk to her now if I tried--I just feel all balled up inside. All I can think is that she'd rather be with her dad and he hasn't even been much of a dad--he'd rather be out on dates than to spend time with his kids or his mom.
Elnina, my dd wasn't really all that close to mom--mom was not a good grandmother and took little interest in either of my girls. I actually had a pretty difficult relationship with her as she was distant to me but not my brother, but having a difficult relationship does not make it hurt less. So, my dd didn't really even know my mother all that well.
Chow, I think sometimes that I know my kids pretty well and then they do something like this and I realize that I don't know them at all so I'm not sure what their true personality is. My other dd, the one I'd call more selfish, did go to dinner with me. If you met them you'd think they were both very nice girls.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka
She is 17 yo and an honor student and smart as she can be, but it would seem that she lacks a great deal of empathy. My mother just died early yesterday morning and I've had little sleep since then and I came home this afternoon and found the house a mess--again. I was irritated to say the least and made her come clean it up. Later, I asked her to go to dinner with me this evening but she said that she was going over to her dad's to watch movies tonight. I asked her to cancel but she said she didn't want to b/c she hasn't seen him since last weekend. I was very, very hurt and didn't press her b/c dammed if I'll make anyone spend time with me and later he texted her and told her that maybe she needed to be with me after what happened. (The man is about as sensitive as an old shoe but even he was more sympathetic than she was.) Then she came in and said she wanted to go to dinner with me but by that time I was completely outraged and told her to forget it and go to her dad's. She lied and told me that she had said that she wanted to go to dinner and I hadn't listened but I know for a fact that's not true and I repeated word for word back to her what she said and she just walked off and sulked. I swear, I cannot look at her now and am wondering if I'm just being oversensitive or if she's completely lacking in human feelings.
Another bit of background of why I"m so outraged by this is that the ex has seen her for an average of about 1 hour/week since he left 3 years ago, but lately has fallen off to about 1 hour in 2 weeks and this while I was having to go out of town and take care of things with my mother and he couldn't even be bothered to come see his dd while I was doing that and now she'd rather spend time with him than be with me when I need her the most. And I might add that we generally have a good and affectionate relationship--there's usually not that much teenage angst with her and what a bad time for it to rear its ugly head. Can this even be fixed? As I said, my ex did and said some pretty insensitive things during our 23 year marriage, but even he knows that when someone is hurting you spend time with them.
First, I'm sorry for your loss.
Second, I think time would be the best medicine for this situation. From experience, it is hard to be human and rational when dealing with a loss. A few years back, while i was a HS senior my mom had gotten into a heated argument with my dad which made me upset because this was around the time her mother passed away and I ended up having a tiff with him which got so bad I didn't even invite my dad to my graduation later that year, which made things so bad we didn't talk for 2 years. Personally, I think your daughter is trying to process this in her way. Rational in normal sense? No, but a death in the family is an extreme situation. I would think the daughter is insensitive in a normal situation but with a loss that she probably feels hard but wants to hide I can't bring myself to judge her.
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Can this even be fixed? As I said, my ex did and said some pretty insensitive things during our 23 year marriage, but even he knows that when someone is hurting you spend time with them.
