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I am so sorry for your loss. I agree that right now, everything is going to get to you more than it usually would because you are hurting so much already. It takes time. It doesn't sound like to me that your daughter is an unempathetic person, but more like she doesn't know how do help or deal with it.
Unless someone has lost their mother, they can't know what that feels like and what you're going through, even your own daughter. Just know that she didn't mean to hurt you. She's going to feel awful for that one day, if she doesn't already, but I'm sure she loves you very much and just didn't know how to deal with such an emotional pain.
Hang in there! Hoping things get better for you and your family.
I learned long ago, to not expect anything from teens, they are self centered, and all about themselves. I had four, and just was pleasantly surprised if they did anything that was not about themselves. My daughter, spends more time with her Father...the man who wanted her aborted, then advocated for a "DNR" on her crib when she was born with CP. I just don't worry much about it. Don't expect anything from kids, our job is to raise them, and then they go off...we are like Mother lions, or cheetahs...They do everything for the cubs...then the cubs leave...
Just take care of yourself, and at her age, she can pretty much take care of herself now...
Sorry about your mom. It's hard losing our mothers.
I'm a high school teacher and I can tell you that 17 year olds are pretty self centered. We had a suicide at our school a couple of years ago and at a crisis meeting a few months later several kids expressed outrage that the family of the boy was allowed to tell them they couldn't do certain things (they wanted to have t-shirts made up with the boy's name on them and were told no and they wanted to have an empty seat at graduation for him.). I was just stunned that THEY thought their feelings trumped those of a family that just lost a son. THEY couldn't believe that his family didn't consider THEM!!
You lost your mom and your daughter lost her grandmother. She is, likely, seeing only her loss. You're not going to like my saying this but you're her mom and you need to be there for her not the other way around. You need to find your support among your adult family and friends. I know how hard it is to lose your mom and I know that grief can cause strife between family members. Just remember that she is a child and she just lost her grandmother. She needs to grieve too. ...HUGS...
Yes teenagers are notoriously self centered but it is almost always not malicious. She could be acting that way because she doesnt no what you need from her. She is the child and thus isnt accustomed to being in the support role. You more than likely havent needed her in that capacity before and she probably didnt think she was needed for that now.
Ivorytickler- perhaps they were upset that their feeling didnt matter because the person who died was a classmate and/or friend. I think as adults we forget that our school life isnt the end all/be all. We would rather be with our friends than our family. we would rather have a date night or a party than a family dinner. They lost a classmate, who was part of their school family. And even though they werent actually related, they still had a bond, and deserved to at least have their feelings considered.
Losing a parent is usually a lot different than losing a grandparent and your daughter doesn't know what it's like to lose a parent because she hasn't gone through that. She isn't the right person to turn to in your time of sorrow.
Kids really don't understand the pressures their parents may have. She's never gone through divorce and so can't know how that is either.
Stepka, I'm so sorry for your loss. Big hug to you.
I'm a very empathetic person but not so much as a teen. I wasn't close to my dad's parents at all and when they both passed, it wasn't a a big thing in my teenage mind. Seeing them just a handful of times wasn't really enough to build up any type of relationship at all. I was sad for dad but didn't give it too much thought. Now I realized that I was rather shallow in those growing up days and have changed quite a bit as a person since then. When my mom's parents passed, it was much sadder for me since we lived very close to them and my grandparents took care of me while growing up. We actually had a relationship.
She is probably hurting seeing you hurting. But like many teens, may retreat from you a bit since seeing a parent in pain is a very uncomfortable thing indeed.
So sorry for your loss. It's always too soon to lose a parent.
Lots of good comments here...I agree that at 17, it would be surprising if she really understood a tenth of what you are going through. I know when I was younger, I thought my mother was this invincible powerhouse. When I look back at some of the stuff she went through, and how little mind I paid to it, I cringe, and wish I had spent more time being there for her.
With age comes wisdom, I suppose.
If nothing else, this will be a powerful experience for your daughter. It might not be for years, but eventually it will have meaning for her. In the meantime, I hope you have good family and friends to rely on for emotional support through this terrible time. And of course, city-data is a great place to vent.
So sorry for your loss. It's always too soon to lose a parent.
Lots of good comments here...I agree that at 17, it would be surprising if she really understood a tenth of what you are going through. I know when I was younger, I thought my mother was this invincible powerhouse. When I look back at some of the stuff she went through, and how little mind I paid to it, I cringe, and wish I had spent more time being there for her.
With age comes wisdom, I suppose.
If nothing else, this will be a powerful experience for your daughter. It might not be for years, but eventually it will have meaning for her. In the meantime, I hope you have good family and friends to rely on for emotional support through this terrible time. And of course, city-data is a great place to vent.
You've got that right--I told my brother that if we feel like orphans at 50--imagine what it would be like for a child to lose a parent. I do have my brother and his wife and that's about it for family, but they are comforting indeed--my brother had us all laughing so hard in the funeral home the other day and they must have thought we were crazy but that's how we deal with it.
I think I was so hurt by my dd's behavior b/c we're so close--I am close with both of my dd's, or so I thought. She usually comes in every night and sits on my bed and we talk about stuff--and now this. Well, you have a lifetime (you hope) to get to know your kids, and you guys have been great. Thank you all so much. And really I should know better--I work with teens every day.
The average teen doesn't have a handbook on how they should behave in these situations. If she wasn't close to her grandmother, it almost seems as if she is being expected to manufacture feelings that aren't actually there. Teens also learn empathy from having it demonstrated to them. I think you are being overly hard on your daughter.
I am also so sorry for your loss. Teens are extremely self centered but that doesn't give them an automatic excuse. I have had several incidents in the past when I felt my kids were being insensitive and have called them on it. My son forgot Father's Day a few years ago didn't even call or stop by we live in the same town he was 20 at the time. So I let him know that he hurt his Dad's feelings and that I thought it was very selfish of him. He apologized to me and his Dad and has been very good about remembering birthdays etc. even brought me candy and a card this year on Valentine's. We have always been supportive and loving towards our children and it's ok to expect and demand that your children return to you the same caring behavior.
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