Tattling on siblings (boy, playing, child, married)
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In a family of kids, there is usually one, who likes to tattle on the others. It was really more of when I was not there, I could count on my middle son to tell me what went on. However, it was not too fun for him, because I never really got mad at the others. I considered it "information", but not something I was going to get mad about. After all, the deed was done. So, there was no drama. He always tried to "create" drama, he would tattle on his brothers to the other one, that would create drama.
I do think it is funny when kids tattle on the dog or cat, treating the pet, same as a sibling. "Sam grabbed a piece of toast from the table"'!
We never tattled. Nobody ever caved. I remember my mother lined is up in the kitchen once, holding a wooden spoon, demanding to know who did whateveritwasIcan'tremembernow. My one older sister deflected her guilt with "Admit it Hopes, you did it!" Meanwhile she did it. I was the youngest but I didn't dare tattle. And my mother was a fair minded women who wouldn't punish without definitive proof so my sister's deflections never worked.
My children didn't tattle because I wouldn't tollerate it. I'd respond to a tattler that it wasn't his/her business. That stops tattling right away. There was a neighborhood boy who liked to tattle. I was the only parent in the neighborhood who would punish her children for behavior outside of the house, and I quickly realized that this boy was getting a thrill out of seeing my children punished. One day I told him to stop coming to my house to tattle. He never did again.
To answer the OP's question, I would never use a child as a tool. That's just downright wrong.
Did you miss the part where she doesn't know who found the report card or papers? She just knows it was found.
Doesn't matter if you found them or her sister found them the point is SHE didn't bring them forth like she was supposed to, SHE knows that and since SOMEONE finds them for her, why bother.
Sometimes she will go into her backpack and bring us things from her sister which sister did not want us to see---like a note from the teacher or a bad paper.
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu
Responsible Girl knows her sister will get into trouble for NOT turning in her report card or other papers and she is trying to help her sister stay in compliance. When this happens all we say to Not Responsible Girl is that she must give us all her papers regularly. We don't tell her if her sister, father or mother found them in her backpack.
It is not ResponsibleGirl's right to go into her sister's backpack to find papers, etc. that NotSoResponsibleGirl doesn't want you to see. I would NEVER have allowed my children to do this to each other.
Please take ResponsibleGirl out of this equation. If you or your husband need to check the backpack, that's one thing...but do not give ResponsibleGirl this kind of power over her sister. I don't buy the argument that ResponsibleGirl is trying to "help" her sister stay in compliance...I still have a sneaky suspicion that she enjoys seeing her sister get into trouble.
I believe ResponsibleGirl is just trying to help. NoKudzus girls are thick as thieves. They hate being separated. They're like twins.
Thank you Hopes. I guess it takes a bit of knowledge about their relationship to understand this. I guarantee you neither one would deliberately try to hurt the other. They just aren't wired that way.
The thing is Not Responsible Girl would only get in trouble with us if the papers stayed in her backpack for more than a day or two. And believe me, the trouble she would get into is nothing more than a reminder to empty her backpack every single day. She is not as "bright" as her older-by 4 months- sister and we all are very sensitive to her special needs and her super sensitive feelings.
Did you miss the part where she doesn't know who found the report card or papers? She just knows it was found.
I know no one is criticizing you, but I would have to agree w/ others that without realizing it, you have essentially allowed Not Responsible Girl to continue being irresponsible . . . b/c someone (doesn't matter who!) is intervening.
Let her "forget" to turn in papers, bring notes home, etc. and reap the consequences. At some point, she will learn to be responsible. If someone else is always picking up the slack, why should she change her behavior?
The only way to learn responsibility it to be held to it and work at doing what is needed to be done - so as to avoid the consequences.
It isn't the consequences at home I am talking about. I am referring to what consequences will occur at school when Not Responsible Girl doen't follow through on something. The biggest gift you can give her is helping her learn that she DOES have to look out for herself; someone else is not always gonna be there to follow behind her and make sure she doesn't forget what she is responsible for doing.
Get her a little notebook and have her write down things to remind herself to do. That puts the onus on her to plan ahead and not rely on someone else to "remind" her. Habits for a lifetime are set now; help her learn to look after herself.
I know no one is criticizing you, but I would have to agree w/ others that without realizing it, you have essentially allowed Not Responsible Girl to continue being irresponsible . . . b/c someone (doesn't matter who!) is intervening.
Let her "forget" to turn in papers, bring notes home, etc. and reap the consequences. At some point, she will learn to be responsible. If someone else is always picking up the slack, why should she change her behavior?
The only way to learn responsibility it to be held to it and work at doing what is needed to be done - so as to avoid the consequences.
So taking this situation as an example-
How do you tell the difference between tattling and helping, and does it matter? We encourage children to be honest and share everything, so I think it can be difficult for a young kid to 'get' that some things actually shouldn't be shared (like what you saw your sibling doing yesterday). Or for a young kid to get why cursing is wrong, but so is telling Mommy that brother Jeff cursed at his friend is also wrong. Aren't they just helping Jeff to be good?
How do you tell the difference between tattling and helping, and does it matter? We encourage children to be honest and share everything, so I think it can be difficult for a young kid to 'get' that some things actually shouldn't be shared (like what you saw your sibling doing yesterday). Or for a young kid to get why cursing is wrong, but so is telling Mommy that brother Jeff cursed at his friend is also wrong. Aren't they just helping Jeff to be good?
I think your brothers helped you learn the difference, it just took you a decade or two (depending on how old you are). The fact you kept caving was your own personality. You knew the consequences but you did it anyway. Your brothers must not have been too rough on you or you would have stopped ratting on them.
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