Parental Favoritism

[funisart]

I have three brothers, we are spread out in ages. A 15 yr difference from the first to the last. I think we were all treated equally in the case of love, but being brought up in the 50's I was more carefully "guarded" as I was the only girl. I did chafe a bit at the gender based upbringing.

My older brother was always mature and trustworthy and is an extrovert- my mom used to joke that he was born a little man. He is an especially kind, empathetic person even now, and paid a lot of attention to me.

My next brother is 2 yrs. younger than me. He had a few medical problems when he was born, and was what is now called hyperactive. He was always "busy" where I was very quiet-- He got more attention while we were very young because of that. I don't think that it bothered me, I just have more memories of playing with my older brother and not much time with my mom.

My youngest brother is 10 years younger than I am. He was the baby--everyone spoiled him,he is the only one who lived in the same town for his whole life. He had a much more material filled (tv, stereo,car,etc.) life than any of the rest of us--but as others have already said that is just the result of my parents economic situation. He is a wonderful brother to me.. he is my son's godfather, and he and wife were in our will to be my son's guardians if anything had happend to us.

There was a time for a few years in my twenties (after I was married) that I felt my parents favoring my brother #2. He had the first grandchild, and seemed more in need of financial help. There were times that I asked them to visit but they were too busy with him.. It did hurt a at the time, it seemed to me that when I married they were "done with me"--but later I realized that he needed them more than me. I also learned later that they felt I had a perfect life. (no one has a perfect life) It is no longer an issue.

[funisart]

Originally Posted by txtqueen

My mom CLEARLY favorites my brother.

I wasn't allowed to do anything as a kid,I was very controlled.
My brother was not.

I didn't get a cellphone till I was 15, my own functioning laptop till I graduated high school at 18. (I had a hand me down at 16 that wouldn't work unless plugged in and it had a short in the power port.)
My brother got a cellphone when he was 10. And is getting a laptop this Christmas at 17 and a junior in high school.

I didn't get my drivers license till I was just a month shy of my 19th birthday. I had my permit for almost 3 years and even then wasn't allowed to drive without my mom in the car for another 3-4 months.
My brother got his permit at 15 1/2 and his license at 16 1/2 and was allowed to drive alone that same day.

I was controlled and given a massive amount of rules.
My brother runs free.

I didn't get a smart phone till I was 18.
My brother got one at 15.

My mom NEVER came to my soccer games or swim meets.
She went to EVERY SINGLE one of my brothers practices and games.

She supports him in EVERYTHING he does.
She supported me in NOTHING I ever did.

She spends so much time with him.
She makes up excuses as to why she can't spend time with me.

She pampers and babies him.
She wouldn't even bring my spare set of car keys to me when I locked myself out of my car in the snow and cold and I had to have a friend go and get them from her.

He's lived his whole life with food allergies, so you think my mom would be good at remembering her food allergies.
You wouldn't believe how many times my mom has ordered mexican food and there has been guacamole smothered inside of whatever I had. Even at Taco Bell, its like she wants to kill me.

My brother is the golden child, good at sports, good with music, good at everything yet he skips school all the time, smokes, is a total man-whhore, and sits around and plays xbox all day.
I'm slightly good at sports, I am not musically inclined at all, I bust my ass at work, trying to do something with my life, I have career goals and everything in mind, I am not out causing trouble and I am a much better person than my brother.

I hate my mom for it. I hate her.
She doesn't even give me hugs or anything anymore.
I can/will write her out of my life as soon as I get a chance to.

This is how you see it and feel about it..

Even if it is only half true it is pretty rough. I was a child in the 50's. As a girl my life was much more strictly regulated than my brothers. Maybe that is your mom's mindset.

Maybe you remind her of herself at your age. Depending on how she feels about your dad, maybe you remind her too much of him. Do you think that you might be giving off "back off, stay away from me vibes?" --because of your hurt and anger?? She may be reacting to that. Moms are human, and sometimes not thoughtful or fair..but they are our moms.

I know that your brother is really irritating you right now-- I know younger brothers have a way of doing that. Believe me if you can control you anger, look at the bigger picture, you can get through this.

There is only one of your mom. My parents had to split time between all of our activities, sometimes one going to one and one to another, or even missing some altogether. She was probably doing the best that she could at the time.

Please,for your own sake,in the future, after your brother has grown up and is out of the house, to try to make a friend of him.. He can be a great allie in life, especially in late life.

My younger brother needed a lot more of my mom's attention when we were young than I did. Maybe your mom thinks that you are more independent and competent than he is. Is his dad your dad also?? If not maybe that is a factor.

All of my brothers got there drivers licenses before me. I didn't have a pressing need for one, or interest in one that early. Times have changed a lot.

I do think that you will feel differently when you are on your own--good luck!!

[jasper12]

I don't have a "favorite". But I know my children, and their strengths. I have one son, who is working on his MBA, he is the executor of my will. Does that mean he is my "favorite", or jsu more adept at business? I spend a lot of time on the phone with my youngest, my daughter, is she my "favorite"? Or just we have a lot in common? I rarely see my son in the military, he rarely calls me, does that mean I don't love him? Nope, it means I know he calls when it is important, and I never miss his calls, I even end conversations with my other kids when he calls..does that mean he is my "favorite"?

No favorites here. I will admit to being closer to two of my kids than the other two. But I think that is personality, and individual differences.

[Ceece]

I have a boy and a girl, both different and neither a favorite since they bring different things to the mix.

The oldest child in any family is often the guinea pig for parents and things often changes with younger ones. I know I was winging it with my first born. It's a lot like how the older ones gets the completed baby book while the others are lucky if any of the pages are filled out. It's not favoritism, it's just life.

Girls are often more "protected" than boys, another fact of life having nothing to do with favorites.

And sometimes your own kids aren't easy to be around because of their personalities. Can't blame the parents for that.

[Ivorytickler]

Originally Posted by Ceece

I have a boy and a girl, both different and neither a favorite since they bring different things to the mix.

The oldest child in any family is often the guinea pig for parents and things often changes with younger ones. I know I was winging it with my first born. It's a lot like how the older ones gets the completed baby book while the others are lucky if any of the pages are filled out. It's not favoritism, it's just life.

Girls are often more "protected" than boys, another fact of life having nothing to do with favorites.

And sometimes your own kids aren't easy to be around because of their personalities. Can't blame the parents for that.

My oldest daughter is not an easy child. It's just her personality. Any comment you make to her has the potential to set off major drama. Her sister is an easy child. Unfortunately, kids perceive this as favoritism but there's nothing you can do about it. For example, I get accused of liking dd#2 better because I joke around with her all the time. She just laughs or tells me I'm weird. If I did the same thing with dd#1 she gets mad and starts going off about how she can't wait to turn 18 and leave this place. So I don't joke around with her. Unfortunately, anything I do with her sister and not her is seen as favoritism. I'm not going to stop joking around with dd#2 because that's the way she and I connect.

[crisan]

Originally Posted by Glasvegas

I am interested in getting your thoughts on parental favoritism, particularly severe cases of parental favoritism (actual rather than perceived out of jealousy).

What are your thoughts on the subject? If you were the black sheep or the favored one, has the effects of parental favoritism remained with you into adulthood, causing strains or rifts between you and your parents and siblings? If you are a parent, how do you best avoid "favoring" one child, of that child is more academically gifted than his/her siblings, for example? If the favoritism was that bad and that blatant, were you able to forgive and forget?

I'll give you my take on it later or tomorrow (from personal experience), but I'd be more interested to read other people's experiences and thoughts as this is no only an interesting subject to me, but also something of a sore one. I also want to avoid making those same "mistakes" if / when I have children of my own. I will say this though: blatantly favoring one or two children over another (for whatever reason) is a recipe for disaster and can cause rifts that carry into adulthood and can often never be fixed.

At some point I saw the treatment as favoritism but now I realize that the difference in treatment was because of expectations.

My caretaker had higher expectations for me than my brother and because I could never meet those expectations, I was never considered good enough.

It did have positive and negative impacts on my life. The negative impacts were low self-esteem, inability to feel empathy to others, not having focus or goals, perceived self-absorption by others because I was always worried about doing or saying the wrong thing. Finally, the biggest negative impact was that the person who caused it died before I realized what was happening.

Positive impacts, I learned the lessons much earlier than my brother especially about forgiving myself and others. One reason for this was because I wanted to move as far away from my family as I could possibly could. I had to learn how to make friends and learn about socializing. This was not easy as an adult but I did it.

My brother is still struggling because of the low expectations that were expected of him.

[CTGirlNoMore]

No doubt my brother is and always was the favorite (there are only the 2 of us). He could never do anything wrong whereas I could never do anything right.

As an adult, it still sits bad with me and my mother continues to treat us that way.

My brother dropped out of our lives (not that he wa sever truly involved even when living at home) for years until he married and had a kid. During that time, I helped my mother through so many things, some quite awful. I did it because I WANTED to, however to this day I still hear how I never do anything for her and never have. I try to bite my tongue, but some times I can't. Anyhow, after she made that comment, I flat out asked her where my brother was when her boyfriend kicked her out and threw her stuff on the walkway in the middle of winter - TWICE, since she went back to him. The silence was amazing.

Again, I do things because I WANT to (and yes because I feel she IS my mother after all), but my mother still makes it no secret that my brother walks on water and I am just something she was stuck with.

[springfieldva]

I love and enjoy both of my sons equally. And I am thrilled that they have a great relationship with each other - yes, they fight sometimes although we encourage them to resolve their own conflicts with one another. But they are also very compatible with each other - not just brothers but good friends. I hope they will always be that way together - what a special gift.

I can't imagine ever playing my own children against each other. That would just be so sad...

[CArizona]

My husband was the youngest of 5 sons. There was (is) definitely a "hierarchy" in his family. Of course his parents took pride in loving all of their sons "the same." But there were big differences when it came to who received "status." (Or not.)...And the grandkids were treated a little differently based on the "status" of their Dads..I saw this kind of stuff play out in my Mom's family too. Of course everyone denies it...Who wants to admit to it? It takes a very open-minded and growth-oriented parent to be willing to listen to any of it in "objective ways." Most parents take offense at being criticized and accused of making mistakes with their kids. It can be very very "touchy!"

[Siggy20]

My husband's brother was the favorite and I can tell you that caused long term resentment. Not towards his brother but more towards his parents and grandparents who were pretty cruel to him. The younger brother was always smarter, more talented, etc and they were quick to tell him that. Ironically, it is my husband who is now taking care of them in their older years.

With my two kids, my son is definately easier than my daughter. I don't love her any less but sometimes I'm accused of playing favorites. I try to be equal in my love and attention but sometimes my daughter makes it so darned hard on me. I try my best.