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My mother couldn't have children so she adopted my brother and her life became complete. Two years later my dad suggested that they adopt a girl (me), so even though mom already had everything she ever wanted she went along with dad and adopted me.. Brother was perfection..still to this day.. I was the bad one..I could go on and on forever with all of the traumatizing things said to me and how I was beat with a belt..etc etc... But I suppose this is an extreme case of favoritism.. Now we are in our 40's and here is how things are now... brother can move in with mom and stay for months (he did that last year after his divorce), he can drop his dogs off and mom takes care of them... I asked her to please watch my little, housebroken dog so that I could go to Disneyland with my hubby and kids and she said, "no, we dont like dogs."
I would say out of the million and one painful memories the worst thing that a parent can do is side the siblings against eachother. My brother was afraid to be nice to me or even talk to me because mom would have been mad at him for going on my "side".. I woke up every morning to my mother going on an on to my brother about what a horrible ***** that I am.. This is when I was a young teenager. I would literally wake up and hear this going on in the other room and that is the worst thing a parent can do as far as favoritism..
Now, on to my children.. They are 20,19,16,14,11,10.... I have always been accused of favoring the youngest child, but now I accused of favoring the 14 year old.. I have made it a point all of these years to favor all of them..to give positive reinforcement..to give unconditional love to all of them..to remind every one of them constantly of how special that they are and how much I love them..The biggest thing that I have tried to do also is to never side them against eachother ..
wow, this is all before my 2nd cup of coffee!!
These are great stories, kudos for those who are brave enough to walk away from toxic situations. Sometimes that is just necessary for your own mental health. I have had to do that a few times with various family members. It is hard.
I bust my ass at work, trying to do something with my life, I have career goals and everything in mind,
Good. Now keep at it and don't let anything stop you. You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Make something of yourself and 30 years from now you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you did it all yourself.
My mother couldn't have children so she adopted my brother and her life became complete. Two years later my dad suggested that they adopt a girl (me), so even though mom already had everything she ever wanted she went along with dad and adopted me.. Brother was perfection..still to this day.. I was the bad one..I could go on and on forever with all of the traumatizing things said to me and how I was beat with a belt..etc etc... But I suppose this is an extreme case of favoritism.. Now we are in our 40's and here is how things are now... brother can move in with mom and stay for months (he did that last year after his divorce), he can drop his dogs off and mom takes care of them... I asked her to please watch my little, housebroken dog so that I could go to Disneyland with my hubby and kids and she said, "no, we dont like dogs."
I would say out of the million and one painful memories the worst thing that a parent can do is side the siblings against eachother. My brother was afraid to be nice to me or even talk to me because mom would have been mad at him for going on my "side".. I woke up every morning to my mother going on an on to my brother about what a horrible ***** that I am.. This is when I was a young teenager. I would literally wake up and hear this going on in the other room and that is the worst thing a parent can do as far as favoritism..
I'm so sorry you experienced that. What you describe is outright abuse, not favoritism. It's typical for an abuser to pick on child to turn the entire family against. I'm glad you realize your brother was afraid of her, not really siding with her.
I know better than to trust my oldest daughter out of my sight but my youngest daughter makes good decisions. I can't give her the freedom her sister has and I can't see punishing her sister for failure to tell us where she is when she's never doing anything I wouldn't approve of.
Sorry but this made me guffaw very loudly. My mother was OBSESSED that my older sister would get knocked-up, and watched her like a hawk. She said exactly what you are saying that she trusted me implicitly, and not my sister, and let me just say I took full advantage of her trust and was way, way naughtier than my older sister ever was. It's not always as it seems.
I wasn't allowed to do anything as a kid,I was very controlled.
My brother was not.
I didn't get a cellphone till I was 15, my own functioning laptop till I graduated high school at 18. (I had a hand me down at 16 that wouldn't work unless plugged in and it had a short in the power port.)
My brother got a cellphone when he was 10. And is getting a laptop this Christmas at 17 and a junior in high school.
I didn't get my drivers license till I was just a month shy of my 19th birthday. I had my permit for almost 3 years and even then wasn't allowed to drive without my mom in the car for another 3-4 months.
My brother got his permit at 15 1/2 and his license at 16 1/2 and was allowed to drive alone that same day.
I was controlled and given a massive amount of rules.
My brother runs free.
I didn't get a smart phone till I was 18.
My brother got one at 15.
My mom NEVER came to my soccer games or swim meets.
She went to EVERY SINGLE one of my brothers practices and games.
She supports him in EVERYTHING he does.
She supported me in NOTHING I ever did.
She spends so much time with him.
She makes up excuses as to why she can't spend time with me.
She pampers and babies him.
She wouldn't even bring my spare set of car keys to me when I locked myself out of my car in the snow and cold and I had to have a friend go and get them from her.
He's lived his whole life with food allergies, so you think my mom would be good at remembering her food allergies.
You wouldn't believe how many times my mom has ordered mexican food and there has been guacamole smothered inside of whatever I had. Even at Taco Bell, its like she wants to kill me.
My brother is the golden child, good at sports, good with music, good at everything yet he skips school all the time, smokes, is a total man-whhore, and sits around and plays xbox all day.
I'm slightly good at sports, I am not musically inclined at all, I bust my ass at work, trying to do something with my life, I have career goals and everything in mind, I am not out causing trouble and I am a much better person than my brother.
I hate my mom for it. I hate her.
She doesn't even give me hugs or anything anymore.
I can/will write her out of my life as soon as I get a chance to.
Some of the things you mention may not be favoritism per se, but rather the changing marketplace. Cellphones and laptops have gotten much less expensive as time has progressed. We paid $1100 for our oldest's first laptop but only $500 for our youngest's laptop. That is a significant difference in price, thus the younger one got a laptop at a younger age. That's not favoritism, it's just the changing marketplace.
The same goes for smartphones. When my oldest got his first phone (7th grade) smartphones were a fortune and the service was outrageously expensive. There was no way we were going to spend that much on a middle school kid. However, when my younger son was in 6th grade we were able to get him a smartphone for $49 and add service for $20 per month. It's not favoritism, just the change in the marketplace.
As far as rules, my kids need different rules because they are different kids. My oldest doesn't need rules. My middle needs them. It's not favoritism, just their nature. My oldest doesn't stay out late even if he is allowed to do so. My middle is a party animal and if I don't tell him to come home at a certain time he will walk in the door at 5AM (he's 15). So my oldest doesn't have a curfew. My youngest gets told when to come home. NOT because I favor the older one but because I don't want to stay up all night waiting for him to come home (plus he's only 15).
I suggest that you leave the other stuff alone. Perhaps the reason your mother seems to favor your brother is to protect him from the attitude that you are a "much better person than my brother." I wouldn't let ANYONE tell that to one of my children and would push back at ANYONE who gave them that attitude. Even if it was my own child.
Sorry but this made me guffaw very loudly. My mother was OBSESSED that my older sister would get knocked-up, and watched her like a hawk. She said exactly what you are saying that she trusted me implicitly, and not my sister, and let me just say I took full advantage of her trust and was way, way naughtier than my older sister ever was. It's not always as it seems.
This is so true. Usually the trusted, sweet child is really extremely manipulative of the parents.
Some parents prefer to illusion of perfection with a child pretending to be the good child.
They'd rather stick their head than face the truth.
Sorry but this made me guffaw very loudly. My mother was OBSESSED that my older sister would get knocked-up, and watched her like a hawk. She said exactly what you are saying that she trusted me implicitly, and not my sister, and let me just say I took full advantage of her trust and was way, way naughtier than my older sister ever was. It's not always as it seems.
So far, my younger daughter has done nothing to betray that trust. I do know what you mean though. My mom never trusted me. She must have accused me of being pregnant or on drugs 1000 times. It was my brother who was doing drugs. Fortunately, neither of us was having sex.
This is so true. Usually the trusted, sweet one is really extremely manipulative of the parents.
Some parents prefer to illusion of perfection with a child pretending to be the good child.
They'd rather stick their head than face the truth.
Dd#2 is not manipulative in the least. She was born with an old soul. She commented the other day that she's a lot older than the other 13 year olds and, in many ways, she is. Dd#1 is immature for her age and makes poor decisions. She struggles with relationships and doesn't consider the impact of her actions on her reputation when it comes to the lengths she'll go to to keep a relationship that she should let go of. Dd#2 is having too much fun playing sports and, of all things, cheerleading to bother with most of the crap teens are into these days. She's only 13, so time will tell, but, so far, she's an easy kid. Her screw ups usually involve forgetting to tell us where she is or forgetting to arrange a ride home before she takes off...we get a lot of last minute calls to pick her up..
My older brother was the fair haired child of the three of us. It was extremely blatant to friends and family. My grandmother even told my mother that she acted like she only had one child. I don't speak to my older brother and haven't for years. I talk to his wife and children, but never with him. Just because we are related doesn't mean I have to like him.
I was my father's favorite. Has it occurred to you that it was you MOTHER who did this, not your brother? Luckily it has to my brothers and sisters who don't fault me for his spoilage. That said Dad loved all his kids a ton.
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