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Nope, not at all pathological to have feelings. I think where the trouble lies here is people are at a loss for how to help you cope with yours without being able to tell if the intensity of the emotion you're experiencing is justified by the facts of the situation, y'know? Emotions are always valid - they are not always in tune with the reality of what's going on.
I worked with a lot of parents/caregivers of my teenage therapy clients - sometimes they needed to work on adjusting their own expectations, sometimes they needed to grieve the loss of the child they'd hoped for, sometimes they needed to kick the child's butt to help them change, and sometimes they needed a kick in the butt themselves to appreciate the child they had, flaws and all.
I understand what you're saying about the experience of disappointment in theory being universal and the details of your situation not being important, although I do think you're not getting the responses you're looking for because what will be effective in managing those feelings really depends on the details. Going for a walk probably isn't going to help if you are in a position to help the child problem solve; problem solving probably isn't going to help if you are not the child's primary caregiver. Do you see what I mean? It depends on the function of your feelings (what they are telling you to DO in the situation) of disappointment how to manage it effectively. It's kind of like everyone having an emergency will call 911, but if you call and say "I'm having an emergency" and then hang up before giving your contact info, there's very little they can do for you.
The above is priceless. Really made me LOL . . .
Yes, good feedback, thank you.
I have done all that I can do . . . I am just trying to cope with my own feelings of disappointment . . .
I think because I did not provide details, a lot of people are just assuming there is something I "should" be doing for the kid. I have done so much, it is incredible . . . apparently, it had little positive impact - so I am dealing with my own ego (feeling I wasted 20 years), concern about the child (heartbreak, really) and figuring out how to assimilate all of this and not be completely devastated . . . looking for moral and philosophical teachings. I honestly did all I could.
It's too bad people aren't just taken at their word . . . lots of people try to dig and find reasons why the OP is "wrong." I guess that's human nature!
I think you've been asked more than once to share information which you have yet to do
Everything is about you, your feelings, how to cope with disappointment of your kid (and not how to help your kid). The only thing I can tell from your posts is:
have done: concern about your feelings
have not done: try to make an effort to help your kid.
I may have been a bit harsh, but my X is NPD and she sound a lot like you fter DD stopped talking to her (i.e. her Narcissistic Supply was removed).
Ever heard of "projection?" You've got a large case of it!
Just as a reminder: This post is about me. I started it to ask about how other parents deal with their feelings. No where did I ask for advise on how to handle the kid. No where did I say I would divulge personal info.
I was looking for support for my feelings. I think that is a legitimate "use" of the Parenting Forum . . .
I can't understand why anyone would just ASSume that I am a bad parent, didn't do enough, etc. There is nothing I have conveyed that would lead someone to think that, therefore if you do think that, you are projecting!
No where did I ask for advise on how to handle the kid.
Boy? Girl? baby goat? Why do you depersonalize him/her?
No where did I say I would divulge personal info.
Nobody asked for your social security number. You don't need to give case numbers, or names, or addresses. That is personal information. Saying "my kid smoke a bale of weed" is not personal information.
I was looking for support for my feelings. I think that is a legitimate "use" of the Parenting Forum . . .
It is a legitimate reason. But, support for what? Did the kid go on a tri-state crime spree? Go to Yale instead of Harvard? What? There's a bit of a difference. Here, let's try this: I have an illness, any advise? I'm guessing you wouldn’t be of much use because you have no idea what my illness is. Is it the flu? Cancer?
I can't understand why anyone would just ASSume that I am a bad parent, didn't do enough, etc. There is nothing I have conveyed that would lead someone to think that,
Well,
1) Because you appear to have written off the kid at age 20
2) Have yet to say what exactly you did other than write off the kid at age 20
3) After repeated inquires you deem information unecessary and expect unconditional support from a group of people you have never met.
I have done all that I can do . . . I am just trying to cope with my own feelings of disappointment . . .
You're 100% sure of that? Really? But you want advise on how to cope with your feelings from a group of strangers whose advise would come from any number of disappointing events.
OK, this is how I handled my latest disappointment: I asked her not to do it again. How much help was that?
My Mom is old fashioned Catholic, w/ all the values. I was a BRAT as a kid. I know this. lol She didn't have sex until she was married at 27, she didn't share a room, much less a bed w/ my Dad before marriage, never lived w/ him. She NEVER misses church, she had a priest say mass for her when she was in the ICU w/ pneumonia (sp?) . She raised my sis & I this way. Very sheltered, very loving & hands on. We were beyond spoiled w/ love & attention. Not 'things', as we never had much $$$. My Dad is not Catholic, he is a non practicing Presbyterian (sp?) . He also spoiled us girls rotten w/ love & affection.
MANY of the girls I went to Catholic elementary w/ rebelled & slept around & some had kiddos early, & most ended up single Moms. My sister & I did not follow that path. I did meet a wonderful guy, just like my Dad (except my hubby has common sense & is handy around the house lol) . We were teens in college, of course we partied & did stupid things. My sister more rebelled. I was the loud one, her more quiet. But, in her late teens-20, she was partying every weekend, some weekdays, she slept w/ a few guys, until she met her hubby, thankfully. My future hubby & I got engaged & moved in together a year before we got married. Holy heck, my Mom almost lost it. She cried everyday for a week & didn't talk to me for a mos. &, mind you, we are extremely close, so, that was huge.
Fast forward, hubby & I are the parents of 2 elementary school aged kids, & own a home in Utah (we moved from Ohio) , I'm a SAHM, & we do pretty good. My sister just graduated w/ a bachelor's degree. She doesn't want kids, but, that is okay. She & her hubby own their own home & are doing quite well too. &, that doesn't mean that we never go out & have fun w/ our friends. We still do.
I think many kids do stupid or 'stupid' things. A large percentage grow out of it, & live perfectly successful lives. Hopefully the teen you are speaking of falls into that category too. Good luck! =)
I have had feelings of dissappointment. BUT my kids are still in their early teens.
I have re-evaluated my expectations, I've talked to, punished, reminded my kids of expectations, and most of all I lean on my spouse. What else can you really do?
I think because I did not provide details, a lot of people are just assuming there is something I "should" be doing for the kid. I have done so much, it is incredible...
There's a family at my church who is in turmoil, because the daughter, at 19, is using drugs irresponsibly, having indiscriminate sex, failing at school, etc. I know the teenager, we've talked a few times. Her mom would say, "I did SO MUCH for her!" just like you - but, here's what she did. She provided piano lessons for her daughter, she took her to ballet lessons and recitals, buying all the dancewear, shoes, etc.; she stayed on top of her to make sure she got into a good college. Doesn't that sound SO giving?
Here's the thing. The girl never wanted piano lessons. Her mom thought it would be a "good idea" for her to learn, so she coerced her into lessons until she was 14. The girl did want to dance ballet - when she was 5. She didn't really want to continue after her first couple of classes, but her mom thought "she has to learn to stick with things", so signed her up, year after year, punishing her if she expressed that she no longer wanted to dance.
The girl has never, ever wanted to go to college. She wants to be free to travel, working a job here and there to support herself (she was responsible, reliable, and a great worker - before she began rebelling so intensely). She may, at some point, want to go to college, but she doesn't really know what she wants to do there, so thought now, it would be a waste of money. But her parents wouldn't hear that.
If what you were doing for this person wasn't in line with who they are, or what they wanted - then, you really weren't doing anything helpful.
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious
It's too bad people aren't just taken at their word . . . lots of people try to dig and find reasons why the OP is "wrong." I guess that's human nature!
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious
I can't understand why anyone would just ASSume that I am a bad parent, didn't do enough, etc. There is nothing I have conveyed that would lead someone to think that, therefore if you do think that, you are projecting!
It's not projecting, it's filling in the huge gaping holes of your posts. And, I know it can feel like people are trying to find where the OP is wrong (and sometimes people are), but in this case, it's trying to find if your feelings are rational or overblown. You cannot expect people on a forum to be able to read your mind, and relate to you "just because". Words are important. The details, in this case, are relevant. Not to find where you're wrong, but to see if you're misguided at all.
Don't post on a forum if you don't want people seeing where you may have mis-stepped. And even if you have mis-stepped, I'm sure you'll find people who can relate to where you are, and give you the support you're wanting.
I have done all that I can do . . . I am just trying to cope with my own feelings of disappointment . . .
I think because I did not provide details, a lot of people are just assuming there is something I "should" be doing for the kid. I have done so much, it is incredible . . . apparently, it had little positive impact - so I am dealing with my own ego (feeling I wasted 20 years), concern about the child (heartbreak, really) and figuring out how to assimilate all of this and not be completely devastated . . . looking for moral and philosophical teachings. I honestly did all I could.
It's too bad people aren't just taken at their word . . . lots of people try to dig and find reasons why the OP is "wrong." I guess that's human nature!
I don't think people are looking for what you did wrong but rather how to address such extreme disappointment without any idea whether that disappointment is appropriate. For instance - I cannot imagine what my child could do that would make me feel that I had "wasted 20 years". Really? The idea of wasting really implies there is no hope. What horrible thing implies no hope? And then you seem to be bewildered that this isn't something that other parents just normally go through and can help in some way.
[color=Black]There's a family at my church who is in turmoil, because the daughter, at 19, is using drugs irresponsibly, having indiscriminate sex, failing at school, etc.
Sounds like this girl has more problems than being forced into ballet and piano lessons!!
Sounds like this girl has more problems than being forced into ballet and piano lessons!!
You missed the point. She would not have rebelled if her parents had been listening to her all along. (or at least not to the degree she has) They were molding her into who they thought she should be, and who they wanted her to be, not honoring & celebrating who she is.
Which is possible in the OP's case, as well, which is why I used that example. Of course, we don't know, since we don't know the situation.
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