How to Cope With Disappointment re: Kids/Teens (daughter, mother, adults)
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I am honestly surprised that on a forum with so many readers, there are so few people who are honestly disappointed with their teens.
There are a lot of acting out teens, so their parents must not be the type to read forums. Maybe the parents are drinking to cope or something!
I am happy for people who do not have these problems but it sure is lonely being the only person on the planet disappointed over a teen's choices.
Thank you for responding.
I don't think you are, but it's hard for a person to know exactly what you're talking about because you're so vague. If you specified the problem (drugs, drinking, teen sex, bad grades, mouthy, etc...) then you would find the people who could relate and respond.
However, I do understand you not wanting to put your business all over the internet. Good luck with whatever you're going through.
Yes. It would be much more understandable if I didn't have to be vague but the feeling of disappointment I had was so profound I assumed that any parent who had been there would know the feeling and be able to relate, just based on that. It really is devastating.
The only advice I was asking for is how other parents deal with disappointment . . . doesn't matter what the reason for the disappointment is . . .when teens do stuff that results in disappointment, how do the parents handle it?
The only advice I was asking for is how other parents deal with disappointment . . . doesn't matter what the reason for the disappointment is . . .when teens do stuff that results in disappointment, how do the parents handle it?
Sorry I cannot say more.
1. You don't have your expectations set too high in the first place.
2. You realize that your kids are individuals. Probably will make a mistake or at least not do everything the way you would have them do, they might even make some of the same mistakes you made as a kid and too bad they don't always listen to all the great advice you give them.
3. You look at the whole picture. One or two missteps don't make them horrible, and hopefully they learn from mistakes. Someday they might even think to themselves "If only I had listened to dad, or mom".
4. And most kids do turn out good enough so most parents have no real reason to be disappointed.
OP, I have not been disappointed in my only child; on the contrary, at 20, she is turning out to be much more than I ever hoped for. I am not clear as to what your goals and your dreams were for your child who is giving your heartache, but mine were pretty straightforward--I wanted her to grow up to be a person of good character who contributes something to the world in which she lives. Of course, who knows what the future might bring? But so far, so good.
I think this writing by Khalil Gibran might help as you struggle through this:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
The only advice I was asking for is how other parents deal with disappointment . . . doesn't matter what the reason for the disappointment is . . .when teens do stuff that results in disappointment, how do the parents handle it?
Sorry I cannot say more.
But it does matter what the reason is. There's a difference between smoking a joint a few times and freebasing. It's possible your expectations of what this teen (your teen? you still haven't said) would do, would be, were not realistic. It sometimes takes another perspective to see that. But we can't know, if we don't know what your situation is.
Something to keep in mind - 18, in our culture, is still young. Something an 18 year old might choose doesn't doom them to doing that thing for life, doesn't really even say who they are in the world if they're just trying things out. Just like when my 4-year-old pretended to be a cat and wanted me to pet him, I did not worry that he would be a cat for life. Some 18-year-olds are trying different personalities and ways of being on, to see if they fit.
If this teen lived in a controlling, punitive atmosphere (even if the punishments were not considered harsh), it's possible they're choosing the *opposite* of what the adults in their life want, because they finally can. If your values were forced on the child/teen, without them being able to express their thoughts about that, they may be reacting to that.
But again, without more detail, there's only so much that can be offered here.
I have raised teens yet am still prone to EXTREME disappointment over every "stupid" decision, or acting out behavior.
I find it very depressing and don't want to be negatively impacted in this way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious
I am honestly surprised that on a forum with so many readers, there are so few people who are honestly disappointed with their teens.
I think many of us are disappointed in our teens every once in a while. But what you projected was EXTREME disappointment. It seems to be impacting you physically. And while I can understand why you don't want to say what the indiscretion was, I think it's hard for many of us to relate without knowing.
What you might thing is a huge deal may not be to us. It would take a lot for me to be that disappointed in my son - to the extreme that you describe.
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