How to Cope With Disappointment re: Kids/Teens (child, student, friends)
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I guess I was just asking about how you, as parents have felt and then dealt with any disappointment that has come up.
I don't want to go into detail, but let's just say I had this premise that if a kid is raised a certain way, they will develop certain values . . . to find out differently is shocking, especially when the actions I am witnessing appear that they cannot lead to happiness.
It is a kind of grief and also disbelief that someone who is so loved could make what I consider to be ill-informed choices.
I hope and pray that the lessons that come will be gentle and that the person will develop solid character . . . in the meantime, it is hard to watch and I have a lot of personal grief over it which I was hoping others would be able to shed light on (in terms of their own process around any kids who disappointed them).
You have to remember that although you may have raised them to be a certain way, they still learn a lot more about the way THEY want to behave and other ideas from their peers. At 18, they are their own people with their own ideas how how they want to be remembered in the world, what they want out of life and how much work they are willing to put in to get what they want. There is nothing wrong with feeling SOME disappointment, but it is also unrealistic to expect our children to fit the exact mold of hopes and dreams we hope that they someday will fill.
You have to remember that although you may have raised them to be a certain way, they still learn a lot more about the way THEY want to behave and other ideas from their peers. At 18, they are their own people with their own ideas how how they want to be remembered in the world, what they want out of life and how much work they are willing to put in to get what they want. There is nothing wrong with feeling SOME disappointment, but it is also unrealistic to expect our children to fit the exact mold of hopes and dreams we hope that they someday will fill.
Very well said. At some point you have to let them fly.
If they're in prison for child rape that's a whole other kettle of fish.
I really love this quote and "believe" in the wisdom it conveys - I find it very difficult to put into practice . . .
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At the moment you sound like you want a pity-party because your kid got tired at worshipping at your feet. Nobody writes off a kid with the possible exception of the Anthonys. I have friends where their kid was a meth addict and hooked to pay her dealer. Do you think they were proud parents at that moment? But they never efver wrote her off. Every rehab attempt the door was always open. They mortgaged everything to get her treatment. At her funeral you could see how bad they took it. It was gut wrenching. I've never seen a 300 pound dock-worker cry that much. But her dad looked at me and said "at least I know where my baby is tonight."
I drank my way out of college when I first went. Hung out with a ton of bikers and dope-heads. But my parents never ever gave up on me. About 10 years later I graduated with a double major, then became an actuary. If my parents did what you're doing I'd be dead.
How did they deal with the disappointment of thier only child dropping out of college? Let's see - they loved me. Tough love doesn't mean you need to be an a$$hole.
You honestly sound like you're there only if it's easy. Any effort on your part means "too bad". Sometimes it isn't easy. Grow up.
You have to remember that although you may have raised them to be a certain way, they still learn a lot more about the way THEY want to behave and other ideas from their peers. At 18, they are their own people with their own ideas how how they want to be remembered in the world, what they want out of life and how much work they are willing to put in to get what they want. There is nothing wrong with feeling SOME disappointment, but it is also unrealistic to expect our children to fit the exact mold of hopes and dreams we hope that they someday will fill.
And, I might add to this, who they are (or think they are, or behave like they are) at 18 is most likely not the "end result"....
At the moment you sound like you want a pity-party because your kid got tired at worshipping at your feet. Nobody writes off a kid with the possible exception of the Anthonys. I have friends where their kid was a meth addict and hooked to pay her dealer. Do you think they were proud parents at that moment? But they never efver wrote her off. Every rehab attempt the door was always open. They mortgaged everything to get her treatment. At her funeral you could see how bad they took it. It was gut wrenching. I've never seen a 300 pound dock-worker cry that much. But her dad looked at me and said "at least I know where my baby is tonight."
I drank my way out of college when I first went. Hung out with a ton of bikers and dope-heads. But my parents never ever gave up on me. About 10 years later I graduated with a double major, then became an actuary. If my parents did what you're doing I'd be dead.
How did they deal with the disappointment of thier only child dropping out of college? Let's see - they loved me. Tough love doesn't mean you need to be an a$$hole.
You honestly sound like you're there only if it's easy. Any effort on your part means "too bad". Sometimes it isn't easy. Grow up.
You're very rude and bitter and I don't appreciate being called an a**hole by you. You don't know me so I have no idea how you justify attacking me but please stop. It is not useful to me.
Just to reiterate: I asked for help because I am having a hard time dealing with MY FEELINGS . . .the kid has a ton of potential and had so many mentors, I can't begin to tell you . . . so there were high hopes . . . once again, I pray things will straighten out . . . in the meantime, I am very depressed about the turn of events . . .there must be some parent who can relate to just the sheer disappointment of thinking the kid was on the right track and so many people put so much time and effort into "being there" . . . that kind of a thing . . .
Well MY kid hasnt't gotten me to that point yet; but, then again, there's still time. He's only 16.
I'll bet my parents could relate.
Let's see, I partied my way through high school; albeit with good grades. I did the same thing in college and dropped out after two years.
It took me a year of working before I figured out I needed a degree.
They HAD to be seriously disappointed.
Then, after finally getting a great job; what do you know; I got pregnant. They handled it with great grace, and were great grandparents to my son. I straightened out; kept the good job and earned a good living for myself and son. My son loved them like crazy.
Still, not the life they had planned for me. I have to credit them for their fortitude and stamina in seeing me through. I'm sure they had lots of sad feelings.
Now, my father is elderly and living with me . It's the least I can do.
Just to reiterate: I asked for help because I am having a hard time dealing with MY FEELINGS . . .the kid has a ton of potential and had so many mentors, I can't begin to tell you . . . so there were high hopes . . .
Again, vagueness!
You say "the kid"... you can't even bring yourself to say "my son"....
Unless he is not your son, in which case you are too deeply involved (unless you are his girlfriend, etc).
You're very rude and bitter and I don't appreciate being called an a**hole by you. You don't know me so I have no idea how you justify attacking me but please stop. It is not useful to me.
I didn't call you an a$$hole. Read what I wrote and how does it apply? I don't see anything on your part that smells like "tough love". What I do see is more interest in yourself than helping "the kid". You almost sound patholocially Narcissistic.
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