Is it normal for tweens to be embarrassed by their parents? (punishments, appropriate)
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I find this focus on punishment interesting. While I do certainly believe there are appropriate reasons to punish a child/teen, I don't see why the first step shouldn't be discussing it. Your job as a parent (IMO) is to teach them appropriate behavior - obviously, the OP's daughter's behavior was inappropriate but it sounded like it wasn't typical behavior for her. I think sitting her down and explaining that while she might certainly be embarrassed by her parents, and that is a normal feeling for someone her age, her handling of the situation was unacceptable and that part of growing up is learning how to differentiate feelings and behaviors. Most kids will respond to that. Now, if it continues to be a problem then I can see where punishment fits the bill. I guess it all depends on what your parenting goal is.
Clearly, this isn't the first time the child did this to the mother and, if she wants to sit down and have a chat about it, that will only show the child there are no consequences to her being rude and cruel to her mom.
I wasn't the all-American, lovable tween/teen, either, but I NEVER EVER did something like this to my mom or hurt her feelings like that. Shoot, I would have punished MYSELF for that!
Clearly, this isn't the first time the child did this to the mother and, if she wants to sit down and have a chat about it, that will only show the child there are no consequences to her being rude and cruel to her mom.
I wasn't the all-American, lovable tween/teen, either, but I NEVER EVER did something like this to my mom or hurt her feelings like that. Shoot, I would have punished MYSELF for that!
Where did you get that this "clearly wasn't the first time" the child did that? I read the OP and my understanding was that while the daughter has mentioned to the mom that she's embarrassed, the rude behavior was new.
If I make a mistake in judgement or behavior (and we all have, at one time or another whether at work or in our other relationships), I'd rather be told - hey that hurt my feelings or that behavior was inappropriate because X, Y or Z prior to being "punished". Young teens especially are learning how to navigate new, unfamiliar feelings and they won't always make the right choice. Not always because they just "feel" like being rude, just that they may not be equipped to deal with the internal conflicts of feelings and appropriate behavior. Why not give them the tools to move forward? Again, if after a discussion of how better to handle things, the inappropriate behavior continues, then by all means punishment is appropriate. I just believe in treating my kids like I would want to be treated if I made a mistake. I want them to understand how to treat everyone, not just those in a position to "punish" them....
Last edited by maciesmom; 01-28-2011 at 03:44 PM..
Clearly, this isn't the first time the child did this to the mother and, if she wants to sit down and have a chat about it, that will only show the child there are no consequences to her being rude and cruel to her mom.
I wasn't the all-American, lovable tween/teen, either, but I NEVER EVER did something like this to my mom or hurt her feelings like that. Shoot, I would have punished MYSELF for that!
Actually, being told by someone you love that you were rude and hurt her feelings IS a consequence of the behavior.
These 2 sentences gave me the idea that it's an ongoing thing and has happened before the ice skating rink thing:
I have an 11-year-old daughter and lately she's hurt my feelings by telling me that I embarrass her.
Then she said that if we had to chaperone, he should do it because he is less embarrassing.
One other thing the OP can stop thinking or projecting is this:
The only thing I can think of is that she's complained that I blend in with the kids at the middle school when I come to school functions because I'm short and thin, and look much younger than my age
The OP may be short and thin but there's no way she "blends in" with the kids at the middle school. I cringe every time I hear a grown woman say this. Just because you're short, thin, and think you look "much younger" than you age doesn't mean you "blend in" with 11 and 12 year olds and it doesn't mean you really do look "much younger". I've known several women who think because they're small, they can be mistaken for a teenager. Okay... maybe from behind, but the minute you turn around, there will be no doubt you are an adult. How you look to yourself and how you look to the world are two very distinct things.
There's a very good possibility that the OP believes she "blends in" and is trying to be the "cool mom" with her daughter's friends and that embarasses her daughter. Just a thought. I could be 110% wrong, but it's a thought.
Actually, being told by someone you love that you were rude and hurt her feelings IS a consequence of the behavior.
Right on. Sometimes, telling one of my kids something like, "That was a terrible thing to say! It really makes me feel bad," would make them start to tear up, hug me, and apologize. It brought on more contrition than the slaps I got from my own mother if I talked like that.
These 2 sentences gave me the idea that it's an ongoing thing and has happened before the ice skating rink thing:
I have an 11-year-old daughter and lately she's hurt my feelings by telling me that I embarrass her.
Then she said that if we had to chaperone, he should do it because he is less embarrassing.
One other thing the OP can stop thinking or projecting is this:
The only thing I can think of is that she's complained that I blend in with the kids at the middle school when I come to school functions because I'm short and thin, and look much younger than my age
The OP may be short and thin but there's no way she "blends in" with the kids at the middle school. I cringe every time I hear a grown woman say this. Just because you're short, thin, and think you look "much younger" than you age doesn't mean you "blend in" with 11 and 12 year olds and it doesn't mean you really do look "much younger". I've known several women who think because they're small, they can be mistaken for a teenager. Okay... maybe from behind, but the minute you turn around, there will be no doubt you are an adult. How you look to yourself and how you look to the world are two very distinct things.
There's a very good possibility that the OP believes she "blends in" and is trying to be the "cool mom" with her daughter's friends and that embarasses her daughter. Just a thought. I could be 110% wrong, but it's a thought.
I work at a Junior/Senior High School and I do see moms who try really hard to be cool - and to look "young and hip". That's okay - and I'm not saying the OP is doing this - but it does tend to embarass kids when it gets extreme. Low rider jeans, "skinny" jeans, mini skirts, bare midriffs, t-shirts with inappropriate slogans, hip hugger sweat pants with trendy comments printed on the butt - you get the picture. Some of it is flattering to the wearer, most is not, but it is SO AGE INAPPROPRIATE for a thirty-something (or older).
These 2 sentences gave me the idea that it's an ongoing thing and has happened before the ice skating rink thing:
I have an 11-year-old daughter and lately she's hurt my feelings by telling me that I embarrass her.
Then she said that if we had to chaperone, he should do it because he is less embarrassing.
One other thing the OP can stop thinking or projecting is this:
The only thing I can think of is that she's complained that I blend in with the kids at the middle school when I come to school functions because I'm short and thin, and look much younger than my age
The OP may be short and thin but there's no way she "blends in" with the kids at the middle school. I cringe every time I hear a grown woman say this. Just because you're short, thin, and think you look "much younger" than you age doesn't mean you "blend in" with 11 and 12 year olds and it doesn't mean you really do look "much younger". I've known several women who think because they're small, they can be mistaken for a teenager. Okay... maybe from behind, but the minute you turn around, there will be no doubt you are an adult. How you look to yourself and how you look to the world are two very distinct things.
There's a very good possibility that the OP believes she "blends in" and is trying to be the "cool mom" with her daughter's friends and that embarasses her daughter. Just a thought. I could be 110% wrong, but it's a thought.
^^This is very wise^^
I know a mom like this. She thinks she's really close with her kids. She thinks she's cool. She thinks that they all look up to her fashion sense. Yes, she's thin and an "A" cup - but that doesn't mean the kids appreciate her pointing out to all their friends that she's wearing daughter's shirt or that she thinks Justin Bieber is cute and if she were 10 years younger (I think she means 25, but whatever)...
When she shows up at the school in her skin tight, low cut jeans with her "stripper" boots (black leather, above the knee, lace-up with 4" heels), her kids get teased. Her children are disrespectful to her, which is not right - but in an effort to be their friend, she allows it and bickers with them like she's their age, not 28-32 years older. She's always volunteering and she's a really sweet person. But she just doesn't seem to 'get' that trying to be 13 again isn't 'cool'.
Now, I don't know if the OP is like this, but it sounds like a possibility.
I'm may be normal, but if my child told me "I don't know you" as they walked past you can bet EVERYONE would know who I was. No way in HELL I would let my child speak to me like that!!!!
I work at a Junior/Senior High School and I do see moms who try really hard to be cool - and to look "young and hip". That's okay - and I'm not saying the OP is doing this - but it does tend to embarass kids when it gets extreme. Low rider jeans, "skinny" jeans, mini skirts, bare midriffs, t-shirts with inappropriate slogans, hip hugger sweat pants with trendy comments printed on the butt - you get the picture. Some of it is flattering to the wearer, most is not, but it is SO AGE INAPPROPRIATE for a thirty-something (or older).
I wouldn't fall into this category. I'm more into classic clothes (sweater sets or turtlenecks and cords or jeans in the winter and dresses or skirts with blouses in the summer). And my shoes of choice are Bogs boots, except for when it's warm enough to wear comfortable sandals (not exactly sexy footwear). The only reason my daughter is afraid I'll blend in with the middle school kids is my size. I'm just 5'1" and 105 pounds and most of her classmates are taller and more curvey.
Plus, I just don't have a naturally sexy look. Some people tell me I look like a shorter verison of Tina Faye (attractive, maybe, but certainly not sexy by middle-school boy standards.)
Last edited by LisaMc46; 01-29-2011 at 11:14 AM..
Reason: Added line
Tomorrow is a school dance and the principal is looking for parent chaperones. She didn't give me the sign-up sheet they sent home. Instead, my husband saw it on the school website. When he mentioned that one of us would like to chaperone she threw a fit. Then she said that if we had to chaperone, he should do it because he is less embarrassing.
Is it normal for tweens to behave like this? I don't do anything to embarrass my kids. I'm soft-spoken, definitely not the type to talk loudly to her friends or make inappropriate jokes. I take care of myself physically, dress fashionably yet appropriately for my age, etc.
The only thing I can think of is that she's complained that I blend in with the kids at the middle school when I come to school functions because I'm short and thin, and look much younger than my age. But, these aren't characteristics I can change. Besides, is being short and thin any worse than being an overweight or obese parent, or a parent that looks older than her age?
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaMc46
Thanks for all of the advice so far. It's hard for me not to take her comments personally, b/c we were very close until she started middle school this year. it was like the Body Snatchers took my sweet, respectful child the first day of school and I can't figure out how to get her back.
Why do you give your 11 year old daughter so much power over you? Mine only tried that crap once each. My reply: So? Do I care if you're embarrassed? Then I blow kisses.
You explain yourself over and over in your posts. Why do you feel you need to? The only reason a 'tween or teen should be embarrassed of their parents is if the parent dresses or behaves like they think they are still teens themselves. Other than that, there is no reason for embarrassment.
I remember, years ago in the church I attended, the minister told a story during his sermon that went a little like this: A young boy was very embarrassed by his mother's scars on her arms and asked her to wear long sleeves every time they were around other people. After a few years of this, the boy finally asked her where the scars came from. She told him that when he was a baby, the house caught fire and she was burned in her effort to save him from the fire. From that day on, he never asked her again to wear long sleeves. He was proud of his mother just the way she was.
Kids allow others to be in the position to look down on them, or whatever it is that make the 'tween or teen embarrassed. The truth is, they ALL have parents and they don't have the right to be embarrassed by them.
I would NEVER apologize or feel bad about myself because my child was embarrassed unless I was doing something totally inappropriate.
You and your husband should both go to that dance. Do not make yourself invisible because an 11 year old wants her friends to think she's grown.
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