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Recently I was reading an article that was titled "Things you should do by the time your thirty". One of the things on the list was drop friends that hold you back & bring you down. Well, I'm a lot older and I still had one friend in my life that has brought me down many times and I feel I've always been a better friend to her than she has been to me. We had a disagreement a couple weeks ago and I haven't wanted to speak to her, so the other day she called me and we had a big blow out. I said things I've been holding in for a long time and she was clueless. Since the argument I can't stop thinking about it and I feel anxiety and really mad still, to the point I don't want to ever talk to her again. On the other hand we've been friends for twenty years and I wonder if it's right to just drop a friend after all this time?
Recently I was reading an article that was titled "Things you should do by the time your thirty". One of the things on the list was drop friends that hold you back & bring you down. Well, I'm a lot older and I still had one friend in my life that has brought me down many times and I feel I've always been a better friend to her than she has been to me. We had a disagreement a couple weeks ago and I haven't wanted to speak to her, so the other day she called me and we had a big blow out. I said things I've been holding in for a long time and she was clueless. Since the argument I can't stop thinking about it and I feel anxiety and really mad still, to the point I don't want to ever talk to her again. On the other hand we've been friends for twenty years and I wonder if it's right to just drop a friend after all this time?
People change, and friends can sometimes look an awful lot different at say 30 than they did when you were 18.
I wholeheartedly agree that changing is hard, but necessary and eventually beneficial. Personal example- I had a great friend growing up. He was always a little offbeat, sort of marched to the beat of his own drummer, but he was a lot of fun to hang around. However, while he was quirky and fun, he was always a bit on the irresponsible and immature side- he could never seem to get his act together. But we were kids- so big deal! He was a lot of fun.
He moved across the country when he was 16, but we kept in touch and I asked him to be the best man at my wedding (when we were both, ironically enough, 30). I asked him well in advance, and he said he'd do it. When the time came closer, he didn't seem like he was making any arrangements or plans to be out here. I even offered to pay his plane ticket and everything. About 2 weeks before the wedding, I told him I needed to know if he was coming or not. A week later, he e-mailed me to say he couldn't make it. After getting that e-mail, I realized that what had made him spontaneous, goofy, and fun by 30 had just made him immature, and I lost all desire to talk to him anymore.
I guess with me, my friends have always dropped me, I am one that likes to please everyone before myself, I need to quit doing that.
My life hasn't been great enough to think highly of myself. I have been dumped many times, but still try to hold my head up high, even though I didn't do anything wrong to end it. Sorry no help??
mb919 - thanks for the story, my friend is different but it's the same situation. If the person's not good for you I guess they shouldn't be in your life. Especially if their inconsiderate of your feelings.
YorkieMom: I'm sorry to hear about your experiences. I really don't enough about you to give an opinion except to say at least you sound like you have a good attitude. You have to make yourself happy first before you can make anyone else happy.
Sometimes you have to drop someone who's been a good friend. My very best friend was a guy named Detlef, a German. We were partners in crime in everything. He comes from a very wealthy family in Germany and I come from a successful middle class family in California. Detlef has a great sense of humor and we got along terrifically and had lots of fun, more like very close brothers actually. He stayed at my home in California and I stayed at his family home in Germany and we pulled Europe apart with parties, discos, chasing girls, zipping all over the continent together in a tiny car and driving like bats out of hell and having the best times. While we had fun, we were never idiots or irresponsible in our behavior and our friendship was solid and deep. I went back to start school, he did the same in Germany..but things changed. He got sucked into the "class" factor and display of wealth and I went into extreme poverty trying to pay my way through school without depending on my parents and I worked my a$$ off.
Detlef came to stay with me about two years into this and had already changed. He became critical of me, my living circumstances and I felt he looked down on me. It hurt my feelings and pissed me off.
When he left to go home, I didn't talk to him for a couple of years and then I heard from him by way of my mother when he was in San Francisco traveling through. We didn't get a chance to meet up and I was still in extreme poverty and secretly relieved he wouldn't see how "unsuccessful" I was as I was pretty sure I'd be judged.
Spin time forward to 2002. I had soared in my career to an executive rank in the world's second largest bank, lived in a five bedroom/3 bath house with a large pool in it's own fenced off area, a spectacular view of Las Vegas from my house. I had done very well over the years and we'd connected again. I invited him to stop by in Las Vegas with his wife (whom I already knew as well) on their travels after a conference he attended in San Francisco. Detlef is a lawyer now for Coca Cola Europe and travels quite a bit on business within Europe and to and from the U.S. I met them at my house coming from work as I'd arranged for him to be able to get into the house while I was at work. I had left him instructions about where pool towels were and they'd been swimming and laying in the sun. They were sitting in patio chairs on the patio and he looked great, his wife Claudia looked withered to me (I was a bit shocked as she's younger than I am). He seemed like what I remembered when we were in our late teens and early twenties, but then he started commenting on the house.."You have the largest house in this neighborhood I noticed", "The architecture is great". "Your house is larger than mine back home". "How much do you RENT this house for?"
So we're back to "I can't believe you could actually have been successful enough to own this house, so you must rent it"... I admit, though I kept polite and friendly, inside I was so insulted and the F word was ricocheting through my brain as well as a recognition that he hadn't changed. He also didn't respect my home while he was in it in that it was July in Vegas, 115F outside, and he complained about the A/C and then opened the windows in the guest room. I was paying around $350/month in power bills. I tried to explain the situation in a desert environment.
Anyway, after that visit, I wrote him off. He's too arrogant, too stuck up, too materialistic in a bad way to be my friend. And I miss the person he used to be..but..that's tough totems for me and I had to recognize he'll never be the friend I once had.
It's ironic now. If he were to see my home now and know that I own it free and clear along with a large property and compare his position against mine, I think he'd be upset as it doesn't match what he thinks I'm capable of apparently. But I don't need such people in my life. I cut off the friendship and have never replied to his Christmas cards (which aren't personal anyway, they're from CocaCola and mailed from work with just his signature). So good bye to false people.
Sometimes you have to cut off a friendship.
Thanks MoMark for the story it's actually very close to my situation. My (ex) friend seems to always have a judgement to pass or negative comment to make, sometimes I think it's only to make herself feel better but I'm tired of acting as if it's ok.
Recently I was reading an article that was titled "Things you should do by the time your thirty". One of the things on the list was drop friends that hold you back & bring you down. Well, I'm a lot older and I still had one friend in my life that has brought me down many times and I feel I've always been a better friend to her than she has been to me. We had a disagreement a couple weeks ago and I haven't wanted to speak to her, so the other day she called me and we had a big blow out. I said things I've been holding in for a long time and she was clueless. Since the argument I can't stop thinking about it and I feel anxiety and really mad still, to the point I don't want to ever talk to her again. On the other hand we've been friends for twenty years and I wonder if it's right to just drop a friend after all this time?
Yes. If she is bringing you down, she is somehow getting some satisfaction (perverse) from this. When my Mom died I found out very quickly the difference between a real friend- and a fair weather friend; People may PRETEND they don't know what they are doing, BUT if you have known her 20years, there is obviously some secondary gain she is getting- if she is somehow hurting you or being negative- you don't need it. jmo.
Rapture, I really don't know how to make myself happy, I am to busy trying to make others happy. That way if everyone around me is happy then I feel good, because I played a part in it.
I guess people like to stab me in the back, say that they care, use me, and then when they are done, kick you to the curb.
I helped one friend move from a farm to in town, all by myself except for the big and heavy things, another so called friend, came into the picture, I helped her make friends with the one I helped move, she then wanted to use her for a sitter, so she made up lies saying that I was talking bad about my friend that I helped move, my friend believed her I busted my a$$ helping her move, used my van, my gas, and that is how much she thought of me??? She moved from Montana to Minnesota, I was the first one to welcome her to the state, and I was the one who got the short end of the stick.
I do have one good friend, she has never used me, I have asked her if she could help me out with my 12 year old, since I had to take my husband 100 miles to have his neck surgery done, for some reason she didn't want to, I know if the tables were turned I would have done it for her, with no questions asked. I guess she is still my friend but at times I wonder if she doesn't just want to dump on me, and I have had other friends that have done the same, just use me for a dumping station.
That is just a small part of my life, Thanks for asking.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rapture
mb919 - thanks for the story, my friend is different but it's the same situation. If the person's not good for you I guess they shouldn't be in your life. Especially if their inconsiderate of your feelings.
YorkieMom: I'm sorry to hear about your experiences. I really don't enough about you to give an opinion except to say at least you sound like you have a good attitude. You have to make yourself happy first before you can make anyone else happy.
Yorkie Mom- you sound like a good person- why do you need these people? Sometimes it is okay to be alone- really. I bet if you said no oncei in awhile they would stop dead in their tracks.
Location: Georgia.I rather be in GODS country Tennessee.Everybody knows Gods a VOLS fan.
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Ok,I know this is going to make me look bad but here goes.I did drop a friend once and I really do mean I dropped him.He said something really stupid and I never thought what he said,he would ever say to me.So,I knocked the hell out of him.We didn't speak for like almost a year and one day he called me up and apologized.We have since drifted apart and I have not spoke to him since his wedding.
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I busted my a$$ helping her move, used my van, my gas, and that is how much she thought of me??? She moved from Montana to Minnesota, I was the first one to welcome her to the state, and I was the one who got the short end of the stick.
