Recommendations/suggestions on where in NOVA are good places for the straight male love-shy to find nice girls? (title, friendly)

[treebw]

Knight, If you are that introverted and shy, how do you even get to date one? I find it hard to believe that an intorvert will date a lot (having numerous 1st and 2nd dates seems to be dating a lot, to me).
My guess is that it may not be that you are an introvert that keeps you from relationships (you seem ok at getting dates) but maybe something else.
You know what you should do?? I have seen some sort of TV show where they take you on a date and film everything and a 'date expert' tells you what you need to do differently.

See, I have the opposite problem...I never get asked out on dates, but when I chance upon someone that I end up on a date with it turns serious after the 1st date. Which can be just as bad.

[Yankeesfan]

One of the advice columnists, Ann Landers or Dear Abby, advised someone in the situation to ask a couple of close friends or relatives to be very, very honest about what seem to be the problems. Of course that only works if the person asking the question is willing to hear the answer and not hold a grudge. I know a few people who could benefit from this approach but they would be furious if their friends opened up and told them.

[Denton56]

Originally Posted by CAVA1990

Most women don't really care for introverts. At least the ones I know.

You must not know the definition of introvert. It doesn't mean that they don't like people! But while people energize extroverts they can have the opposite effect on introverts. Introverts enjoy being with their friends and family but too much socializing can be tiring for them.

I am the world's biggest extrovert but was always attracted to introverts for their intellect and ability to listen to an extrovert like me!

Since at least 25% of people are introverts, who do you think that they forms couples with? Most often each other, making them both happy. While their couples like me, it seems more common for introverts to marry each other.

My introvert son found his introverted love on an internet dating site. It was free, something with the word Cupid in the title. Their very happy, been together over a year.

[Denton56]

Originally Posted by Knight2009

According to the excerpts from the associated page on wikipedia:

Sounds like Avoidant Personality disorder. A good therapist may be of some help.

[Denton56]

Originally Posted by Knight2009

Thanks for the suggestion! It certainly seems like an interesting thing to look into. Do they tend to be composed of large groups of people though? While small groups are great, in the past I've found that people never seem to notice me in a large group for some reason, and won't talk to me. Even attemping to talk to them directly results in abrupt single-word or single-sentence answers, and then they turn their attention elsewhere. As a result, these days I tend to avoid large-group interactions, and focus more on small-group and individual settings.



Volunteering is the one thing I haven't tried yet, sounds very neat! At every church I've been to, 95+% of the people were very cold, and it was clear that I would never be accepted or part of the inner circle, and so I've essentially completely given up on that approach. (The last church I seriously attended for worship services was for 6 months, with no luck at all in either meeting romantic or even friend potential.) Classes I could try, but although I excelled academically and graduated with honors and high distinction from college, I consider it to be a complete failure to grow socially, as it only resulted in total social isolation (very long story)...and so I don't particularly relish the idea of revisiting that experience.

Do you like dogs? Volunteer to work with a rescue group or at the animal shelter. Better yet, get a dog through a rescue group. Then go to dog parks and other places with dog owners. They are usually a very friendly group.

[CAVA1990]

Originally Posted by Denton56

You must not know the definition of introvert. Since at least 25% of people are introverts, who do you think that they forms couples with?

Well if 25% are introverts and the 25% tend to marry each other, wouldn't that lead to the conclusion that most women prefer extroverts? I should have prefaced it with "extreme introvert", which would be even fewer than 25% but would include the OP. Also, the statistics he provided himself state that nearly an overwhelming majority of the "love shy" never marry anyone.

Bottom line is extreme introversion or social anxiety is an illness that should be treated like depression or other mental illnesses before you try all the other measures recommended here. Once you're better, I'm sure you'll be more attractive to the opposite sex.

[dkf747]

I was also "love-shy" back in my youth. Met my wife in church. The thing about church though, is that I went there to find God, not dates. If I were only there for dates I would have struck out. The women I met, and later married, was there for the same reason. We became good friends immediately because of our common desire for God. I think it's the same for anything else you do, or social gathering you go to. If you're just there for dates the women will figure it out and run. In other words, don't get involved in something with the objective to get a date. Do something you like, or consider important (like going to church was, and still is, for me). You will end up meeting women and maybe one of them will lead to something great. That's how I overcame my shyness.

[bangorme]

Well first of all, the adage about there being a women/man for everyone is true. The women that are looking for the biggest dog in the pack are not going to be attracted to you, they will be busy chasing after Tiger lol They will live unhappy lives while their big dog keeps being chased and caught.

You need to go where you are comfortable because the ladies that find that place comfortable will be there too. This whole dating thing is a probability issue, you can't rush it or judge success/failure by single events (just because you flip heads 10 times in a row doesn't mean there isn't a tails). It's too depressing. Just keep associating with nice women and eventually someone will click.

Good luck.

[Phoenix2017]

Thanks for the valuable feedback and suggestions Yankeesfan. I am still potentially interested in continuing RCIA at a future point after I know for a fact that regular ongoing, unscheduled overtime work requirements will no longer be an issue preventing me from attending RCIA class, as was the case previously (there's a high probability there will be more required overtime coming up for me for between 3-6 months after the New Year).

On interests: as suggested by several C-D members, I looked at some of the available groups on meetup.com, and found some that looked very interesting! A few included D&D gaming groups, several reading/book clubs, and even a social anxiety support group. I will try to look for more that match my interests as well.

Thanks again for your recommendations!

Originally Posted by Yankeesfan

Knight2009, you seem to be a very nice person and I wish you well. I suggest that you get psychiatric help along with psychological counseling to help you with the shyness and anxiety. The doctor can prescribe the medications (such as the one you're already taking) and the psychologist can help you determine what has made you so shy and anxious and help you to overcome it. Maybe the reason you aren't able to connect beyond a first or second date is that your nervousness is holding you back from being able to freely talk, laugh, and show your authentic personality because you're keeping it locked inside?

Also I think the Toastmasters Group is a perfect idea. Even if you don't meet anyone to date in the group, it should help to loosen you up and enable you to speak more comfortably in both one-on-one and group situations.

And, what are you genuinely interested in? Not just things where you can meet people for dates, but groups where you can talk with people who like the same things you do. Again, this will make you more comfortable interacting with people in general. You may meet a potential date, or someone there may introduce you to someone, or you'll have more to talk about, and be able to talk more comfortably, to a woman you might meet and be interested in outside of the group.

If you still intend to become Catholic (I wasn't quite sure from they way you described your RCIA experience), the Arlington Catholic Herald has a column every week that lists events for the several different Catholic singles groups in the area. There seem to be events just about every day.

[Phoenix2017]

Thanks novahousehunter for the input...these also sound like great ideas that I will look into.

Originally Posted by novahousehunter

I did toastmasters for a couple years through my old company (they really encouraged the recent college grads to go) and while cheesy at times, I do think it helped my public speaking. In my chapter it was not really a social opportunity, more of a work activity, but regardless, speaking confidence never hurts.

I'm not sure how DC-specifically I can help, but a couple thoughts on dating in general:

1. You get better at it the more you do it. It's an art unto itself. You get more zen about the whole thing, you look back and laugh when it doesn't go well, any particular coffee date feels less life or death.

2. Even though you get better at it, it's still better/easier to expand your circle of friends and start there. On a date where you have limited time to get to know someone, it can be hard to show your true self. People who have dated a lot and are a little cynical about it are pretty willing to move on if the first/second date doesn't wow them, which may not even be a good long term strategy--a good first date is not always a good boyfriend--I wish I'd figured that out earlier . . .

Try to join some general social activities (there are a lot of co-ed sports leagues in DC that are more social and less athletic, kickball and softball come to mind), see if you can feel more comfortable interacting with women in general.