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I appreciate the response. All year I would hear that "he is your father no matter what". I know he loves my daughter and his wife and my brother of their relationship demonstrates tremendous affection as well.
Its really difficult because I didn't grow up in a broken home and so when all this was revealed in 2009, we all took to shock as he had been with the other women for 20 years. I finally moved but prior to we lived in the same town and I held the secret from my other siblings for 5 years.
I literally cursed him out the last time but all year it bothered me so much knowing that I wasn't talking to him and when xmas came around, I would have to be hiding. He was so afraid of me and thought I would come to his home to harm him so he sent warning text messages to everyone.
I just don't need that in my life and my daughter of 5 really loves him so that is why its tough although we now live in different states. This time, I just don't have the capacity to go through the whole parting ways crap but I'm seriously pissed. I really thought this was all over.
Its really sad about the hold your father has over your emotions as he does,because you don't hold the same value to him in his eyes. Lets say you're brother had died during his medical issue,your daughter would have missed out on what could have been as far as time with her uncle. Why is it that only through death that people can leave things undone and at its end? Why can't this same process be accomplished while the thorn in your our sides are alive? In other words,what your saying is,because of your daughter who loves her Grandfather you will put up with his conniving backstabbing ways? Why make her the doorway/scapegoat for your acceptance of him as a Father? You said it yourself that you live in another state now,if he can't visit a sick son,what makes you think he would visit a healthy granddaughter? Your wife/GF sounds very lucky that your a compassionate man. This is a hamster wheel in motion and wont end until one of you is dead.
Do yourself a favor,kill/end it now before any of that even transpires. Why give him credit for being the rotten bastard that he is through your own offspring? That alone gives him the power to never change and to always be the trouble maker hamster wheel spinner. Just because you have a parent does not mean they have a license to create pain in your life over and over again. Just because you are a Parent doesn't guarantee that your worthy of parenthood. If a love child of an affair has more precedent over the original kids one has had prior,this means their grandchildren of the 1/2 sibling will have the same attention as the love child does. Is it worth your daughter to sense that tension,because they do rather you know this or not,no matter how you try to hide it. Eventually you will have to tell her how you really feel about your dad,even if you can never cut him out of your life. IMO,I think less likely of a Parent you can't demonstrate to their kids how you cut someone off even if it hurts just for the benefit of peace. She will be an adult some day,and I'd rather my child see me strong then fearful and worried about events that I cant possibly change by myself.
If a love child of an affair has more precedent over the original kids one has had prior,this means their grandchildren of the 1/2 sibling will have the same attention as the love child does. Is it worth your daughter to sense that tension,because they do rather you know this or not,no matter how you try to hide it. Eventually you will have to tell her how you really feel about your dad,even if you can never cut him out of your life. IMO,I think less likely of a Parent you can't demonstrate to their kids how you cut someone off even if it hurts just for the benefit of peace. She will be an adult some day,and I'd rather my child see me strong then fearful and worried about events that I cant possibly change by myself.
Wow, this is really deep.
Really, as I read these responses, the more I begin to put things into perspective and things make sense.
Again, its not making excuses but growing up, he was always there as a father and supported us. Maybe not always there physically but we never had any real issues. So it is very difficult for us to come to terms with all of his actions. Its like a 360 degree turn around after the revealing in 2009. I am sure that having a million dollar business fail can certainly drive a person insane. As a reasonable and or prudent person, and other than his current manipulations and absences, he isn't a bad person. He was and still is always responsive to calls, texts, and communicates. He always made sure we were financially secure and always helped out when he had the funds. Now that it is all gone, I suppose the pride has gotten in his way and he can't face up to it and has lead to all types of strange behavior and pulling everyone down just to save face. Im not making excuses for him as we never had any issues at surface level. But then you find out that his business was being funded by my step-mother (having her own medical clinic) and as soon as their falling out, the water-well ran out, you can see how I lost all respect of him as a man and as a father. Even my college was paid by her and not him- as she brought to my attention after 15 years.
The problem is that for a while, I was pretty much alone in this. I was turned into the black sheep of the family after the affair had been revealed. Now most of the family has finally come to see what kind of a different person he can be at times.
Despite me knowing for 5 years prior and not telling my other siblings, I was held accountable for giving up some little information to my brothers after they were told. I knew it wasn't my place to say anything but it was some "in the moment" info that I revealed so that I could save face- especially knowing and not telling them. I didn't know how to handle it. But nonetheless, I moved on and we all moved on but things haven't been the same. One would think that things would change but no.... it has only just started!
My step mother doesn't want the other wife around her new grandson or for my sister's wedding. My father still hasn't gone to see the new born, and this will create serious issues for all of us in the future.
You know, family doesn't have to be the source of so much drama.
Look, you're 36, which is almost my age, but you sound incredibly naive. As someone who is also the child of a narcissist, i can assure you that your father is NOT a good person.
I love my dad. He has my back no matter what, but only because his ego is very much bound up in my welfare - I am a part of him and therefore bad things happening to me is unacceptable. He's still a crappy person for the most part, but he's been a good dad. He also hasn't been as destructive as most narcissists (though he does a good job of it when he's on a tear) because he's been heavily influenced by some very moral people throughout his life who "have his number" as it were. But even with all this, I still have to maintain super firm boundaries with him. It is only through constant reinforcement of those boundaries that we are able to have a somewhat functional relationship. But outside of his inner circle, I'd say that my father is pretty much capable of doing anything to get what he wants. He also knows that I will cheerfully walk away for good if he messes with me too much.
Your dad isn't as wrapped up in you as mine is. Probably because your dad has multiple children, while my father basically just has me (and I'm the only relative left to him who maintains regular contact). Your dad doesn't have a lot of motivation to toe the line because he has several children who he can scam at any given time who have no concept of the boundaries they should be setting. Any individual one of you is expendable in his view if you're not going to dance to his tune. Look at the chaos he is causing. He gets off on that- you realize that, don't you? The distress he causes the rest of the family makes him feel powerful and in control.
Sure, your 5-year-old daughter loves him. Narcissists can be very charming. It's how they get what they want. My father is incredibly manipulative and charming. Kids inevitably adore him. She's 5 though - phase your dad out of her life and she's going to forget about him shortly after.
Cut this man out of your life as much as you can and focus on your relatives who deserve your attention, like your brother who is ill and your daughter. Otherwise you will simply be throwing your best efforts into the bottomless void of your father's ego - it will never be enough and you will never get anything positive in return for your efforts.
You know, family doesn't have to be the source of so much drama.
Look, you're 36, which is almost my age, but you sound incredibly naive. As someone who is also the child of a narcissist, i can assure you that your father is NOT a good person.
I love my dad. He has my back no matter what, but only because his ego is very much bound up in my welfare - I am a part of him and therefore bad things happening to me is unacceptable. He's still a crappy person for the most part, but he's been a good dad. He also hasn't been as destructive as most narcissists (though he does a good job of it when he's on a tear) because he's been heavily influenced by some very moral people throughout his life who "have his number" as it were. But even with all this, I still have to maintain super firm boundaries with him. It is only through constant reinforcement of those boundaries that we are able to have a somewhat functional relationship. But outside of his inner circle, I'd say that my father is pretty much capable of doing anything to get what he wants. He also knows that I will cheerfully walk away for good if he messes with me too much.
Your dad isn't as wrapped up in you as mine is. Probably because your dad has multiple children, while my father basically just has me (and I'm the only relative left to him who maintains regular contact). Your dad doesn't have a lot of motivation to toe the line because he has several children who he can scam at any given time who have no concept of the boundaries they should be setting. Any individual one of you is expendable in his view if you're not going to dance to his tune. Look at the chaos he is causing. He gets off on that- you realize that, don't you? The distress he causes the rest of the family makes him feel powerful and in control.
Sure, your 5-year-old daughter loves him. Narcissists can be very charming. It's how they get what they want. My father is incredibly manipulative and charming. Kids inevitably adore him. She's 5 though - phase your dad out of her life and she's going to forget about him shortly after.
Cut this man out of your life as much as you can and focus on your relatives who deserve your attention, like your brother who is ill and your daughter. Otherwise you will simply be throwing your best efforts into the bottomless void of your father's ego - it will never be enough and you will never get anything positive in return for your efforts.
Seriously, thanks for the thorough response. As for the naive part- that is a first. I suppose I have to do some self assessment especially when it comes to this issue and dealing with him all my life. Again, thanks for sharing.
Seriously, thanks for the thorough response. As for the naive part- that is a first. I suppose I have to do some self assessment especially when it comes to this issue and dealing with him all my life. Again, thanks for sharing.
Glad it was a helpful perspective. I mean no disrespect when I say "naive" - we have it pounded into our heads from birth that our parents love us more than anything and that we are important to them. It's not always the case, but questioning that concept can draw an awful lot of censure from people.
And I think I may have a unique perspective because I have had a generally positive experience (with some glaring exceptions) with my father overall despite the fact that he is truly a narcissist. I think some of the more painful aspects of dealing with this sort of person are blunted for me because of that. Because I was his only child (he had me late in life) and we were so close when I was little, I saw all the facets of his personality from an early age and I knew the score with him from early on. There was no veneer of respectability that I had to see through.
Glad it was a helpful perspective. I mean no disrespect when I say "naive" - we have it pounded into our heads from birth that our parents love us more than anything and that we are important to them. It's not always the case, but questioning that concept can draw an awful lot of censure from people.
And I think I may have a unique perspective because I have had a generally positive experience (with some glaring exceptions) with my father overall despite the fact that he is truly a narcissist. I think some of the more painful aspects of dealing with this sort of person are blunted for me because of that. Because I was his only child (he had me late in life) and we were so close when I was little, I saw all the facets of his personality from an early age and I knew the score with him from early on. There was no veneer of respectability that I had to see through.
The problem I faced with him is that because we were so close in age and of a different mother than my other siblings, I would be the one that always asked the hard questions. He told his wife who then told my wife that the reason why he never asked me to go out or be together 1 on 1 was because I was too intense and always asked too many questions. He couldn't deal with it.... But at the same time, when I wouldn't call him for several months, he would again tell his wife who would then again told my wife that he felt hurt that I had not called him as oppose to him calling me directly... It's all making more sense- I just read more on narcissistic traits and many of them fit him to a T.
Man, you guys are good.... Who needs Dr. Melfi when you have CD as a support group...
"you musta been at the head of your f--- class" (as tony replied to dr. melfi)
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Its really sad about the hold your father has over your emotions as he does,because you don't hold the same value to him in his eyes. Lets say you're brother had died during his medical issue,your daughter would have missed out on what could have been as far as time with her uncle. Why is it that only through death that people can leave things undone and at its end? Why can't this same process be accomplished while the thorn in your our sides are alive? In other words,what your saying is,because of your daughter who loves her Grandfather you will put up with his conniving backstabbing ways? Why make her the doorway/scapegoat for your acceptance of him as a Father? You said it yourself that you live in another state now,if he can't visit a sick son,what makes you think he would visit a healthy granddaughter? Your wife/GF sounds very lucky that your a compassionate man. This is a hamster wheel in motion and wont end until one of you is dead.
