Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I posted this in the financial forum because I had thought it was a money issue, but now it seems that it is not.
My partner and I live in Florida. Her mother moved here to live with us after her retirement 9 months ago. Her mother is barely HS educated and obviously from a different era. She took her SSI a few years early at 62, therefore not getting the max benefit. She said to my GF that she felt like she will die if she doesn't stop working. She owes the IRS a few thousand and a few thousand on a credit card for some emergency a few years back. Her moving here was both to help us lower our rent payments to get some bills paid off and to help her out.
A few things happened that started to get me thinking: the A/C was left on with the windows open, she was using my car when the gas light went on and she did nothing about it and she knows I have to go to work in the morning, her and my GF took my car to the beach which burned over half a tank of gas and she didn't offer me or my GF and $$$ for the trip.
So when I first posted about this, I thought it was a money problem. The people on the financial forum enlightened me that this might be more than that and I think it is. Randomly my GF asked me this weekend about her mom and it all came out. I told her that the arrangement is not working out as I had originally thought it would. This was supposed to be mutual benefit and it's not working out this way. They money she gives towards rent does reduce our rent bill by a few hundred dollars, but it's almost becoming not worth it for me. My GF and I are picking up the bills and leaving the A/C running with the windows opened on more than one occasion made my blood boil. The benefit for her mother was to pay less for rent than what she could afford on her own while paying down her bills. Now, I was not aware of her entire financial situation but it seems that to make any headway she needs to get a part time job. So I assumed she would be looking. Instead she spends 4-5 days doing her church things and 10 minutes looking for a job. The other thing was that we are planning to start a family and we were going to approach her mother for some childcare services. There is no baby, so I assume this is a moot point right now. If/when there is a child her mom can agree to watch him/her or run off.
My GF was understanding during our conversation. What it came down to basically for me was common courtesy which is how I was raised. You use the last of the milk, you either call your SO, roomate whatever to pick some up on the way home or go get it yourself - you don't just not say or do anything. Same with gas. You leave someone's gas tank empty, you put some gas in it. Everyday when I get home she's got the TV blasting in her room with the door open. Common courtesy in my opinion is to turn it down and close the door. My GF says that her mother doesn't think like that. She's not very intelligent and not at all technically inclined (as the A/C example).
I feel stuck. I feel that she should have kept working and not taken SSI early, but it's not my place. I feel she should be looking for a job to kill that credit card and the IRS and have extra money to afford her own place, again it's not my place to say this to her. Hopefully we have the A/C situation figured out, but who knows. I can't teach her common courtesy either.
We have another 6 months on the current lease which is how much time we have to figure this out. We may or my not be pregnant by then, at which point I told my GF we will need to approach her about the childcare and we both feel that approaching her now about it is not the time.
As far as her getting a job, should I have my GF approach her about this? I think so. We're both willing to help her, but I'm sure we all know how it is to look for a job and how it is to "look" for a job. You need it you go do it. As far as her credit card, she only makes the minimum payment on it and its usually late. Add up the monthly interest and the late fee and guess what you get, the minimum payment. So she's making no headway. I told my GF that she needs to show her that she must pay the bill on time and pay at least $50 extra to pay this thing off. Don't know what will happen.
This is my GF mother and I'm not an evil monster and I'm not kicking anyone out, I just need to figure out what is possible and what is not possible for my own sanity. My GF said that she would have to help her mother out with $$ if she were to move out, but we have bills to pay too. I don't know whats right or wrong anymore and it's really stressing me out. My GF works a few nights a week and I hate those days. I usually stay at work late or find errands to run to get home as late as possible. I don't want to live like this, I want my own space, but I don't want to be a terrible person either.
Well, as I see it, you have zero obligation to her mother as you are not married.
Feeling guilty is totally wrong. You really are not responsible, and if you were married, you would still have very valid concerns! Let your relationship and your future be about the both of you. If your GF is a good daughter, she can take care of her mother herself.
It is totally unfair for her to expect you to do anything as you are not legally obligated.
To clarify the marriage thing, we are in a same-sex relationship and we are not able to get married. We are however entirely committed and have been together for over 3 years.
Well, as I see it, you have zero obligation to her mother as you are not married.
Feeling guilty is totally wrong. You really are not responsible, and if you were married, you would still have very valid concerns! Let your relationship and your future be about the both of you. If your GF is a good daughter, she can take care of her mother herself.
It is totally unfair for her to expect you to do anything as you are not legally obligated.
I commented on the marriage aspect of it above. The situation we are in now is that I make most of the money and we are using her income to pay off bills. She doesn't make much and isn't really in a position financially to help her mother. She would have to work more I suppose, but we don't spend much time together as it is so it would affect me also.
To clarify the marriage thing, we are in a same-sex relationship and we are not able to get married. We are however entirely committed and have been together for over 3 years.
Ok, that helps. Well...regardless, you truly are not responsible for the other's family members, but the situation is pretty challenging here. You might have to really stand up and put your foot down. You can see this as boiling over and eroding a good relationship over time. It's a whole lot of tolerance, patience and effort expected from you.
I commented on the marriage aspect of it above. The situation we are in now is that I make most of the money and we are using her income to pay off bills. She doesn't make much and isn't really in a position financially to help her mother. She would have to work more I suppose, but we don't spend much time together as it is so it would affect me also.
Yeah, being a grown up is a bear sometimes. I understand, but our parents are living longer and their care often falls to us. Answer this-what would your GF do if you were not around? She would figure it out, I am certain. I just know the danger is putting the responsibilities of our own onto others, no matter the relation. She should consider a different job or more work if this is the option. I am assuming a nursing home is not a viable option?
I wish my relationship was more optimal, too, but we just don't get to have our wants supercede the needs when it comes to caregiving.
Yeah, being a grown up is a bear sometimes. I understand, but our parents are living longer and their care often falls to us. Answer this-what would your GF do if you were not around? She would figure it out, I am certain. I just know the danger is putting the responsibilities of our own onto others, no matter the relation. She should consider a different job or more work if this is the option. I am assuming a nursing home is not a viable option?
I wish my relationship was more optimal, too, but we just don't get to have our wants supercede the needs when it comes to caregiving.
Yeah, you're right, without me they would figure it out. I just feel that by the time our lease is up she would have had well over a year to pay the bills or find a job to supplement. The thing is the mother wants her own place too, why is she not working for it? She runs off to church and church functions every free second she has.
As for myself, I honestly thought it wouldn't be difficult to live with her, but that is not the case.
I really feel for you and your situation. You want to help and yet, you're asking yourself why a 62 year old woman can't take care of herself...or at least give the impression that she cares about her own well-being. I think you're too kind to say that her lack of education may be hindering her common courtesy but I do think it's a cop-out. She knows darn well she's renting a room and she be aware of the other tenants...and btw, if it were anyone else, they would've complained about the blaring tv already...AND, strangers don't use my gas and abuse other priveleges.
She is taking advantage of you and using stupidity as her fall back position. Give her a timeline. Tell her if she wants your actual help, you'll offer, but when the time is up, she needs to go away to her own haven. Your haven needs to be readied for a possible little one and having turmoil going into that life changing "lifestyle" is not a good way to start.
I wish I could offer more help...keep us posted on what you end up doing.
Thanks ShellNic. Timeline is the key word here. I should have thought of it before all this happened, but I was either too stupid or blind or whatever. I honestly thought this would be a temporary situation and when she got here and her real financial situation came to light that's when I realized this might be something different. But, at that point the lease was signed all was done. Now that we are half way through, I feel that I need to make some decisions and stipulations here.
Perhaps you should have a roommate meeting and hammer out things like filling up the tank after borrowing the car, closing the windows when the air is on, etc. As far as child care, she doesn't owe you child care. However, given her financial situation I think it could be a win-win if you pay her to watch your future child. You would be fortunate enough to have a family member to care for the baby, and she'd have a job and an income.
I don't think being from a different era is an excuse. My parents are in their 60's and take care of themselves just fine. Then again, I have an aunt in her 60's that's never been able to take care of herself. It's a personal thing, not an age thing. Good luck.
ETA - the chances of a 62 year old finding a job right now are slim to none. just something to consider.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
