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Don't lend money if you can't afford to lose it. Too late, I know but that's always a good one to remember.
Don't say (or repeat) anything unless it lifts up the other person. Hard to do in your father's case so I'd just not talk about him. Others may need to vent so, by all means, listen. But otherwise you're gossiping and it's a good thing to not do.
If someone says "I don't want you to say anything to anyone about this" you have a couple of choices. You can advise the person that you don't intend to lie for anyone, in case the subject is brought up and you are asked direct questions. You can say "no problem, I'll just let it go in one ear and out the other" then do that. Or "I prefer you not tell me those kinds of things" Or "I CAN'T HEAR YOU. LALALALA"
Take your dad with a grain of salt and one day maybe he won't be a *******. But he's your dad so rise above and take your siblings with you. (I can't believe ******* is edited!! I better look up the meaning of the word.)
Eventually your father will use the relationship with your daughter as a way to manipulate you... it seems like he could already be doing that.
I was the family pawn growing up. As soon as I could make my own decisions I stopped going around family that I have that are like your father. My Mom and I have discussed things several times since then, and she was in a situation like you.
Kids are not dumb. Your child will figure out the toxic behavior of her grandfather.
thank you for all the advice. Well appreciated. I realize that I now have to live up to the fact that there is no turning back at this point and things aren't going to change.
Eventually your father will use the relationship with your daughter as a way to manipulate you... it seems like he could already be doing that.
That was one of the other reasons why I parted ways with him. He would come to my house and pick up my daughter and sometimes stay in the car and have my brother come inside. It took a few times to realize this but perhaps he wanted to avoid the money conversation...
What i did was sent him a short text just to keep the peace. But there will be no more initiating on my part.
I appreciate the response. All year I would hear that "he is your father no matter what". I know he loves my daughter and his wife and my brother of their relationship demonstrates tremendous affection as well.
There is a line and you have to decide what that line is. Just because you are related to someone doesn't mean that you have to interact with them. I would certainly give more consideration to a close family member than someone that isn't, but at the end of the day blood ties don't circumvent truly damaging behavior.
If you feel the need to cut ties, don't feel bad about it. It is your life to live and you know what is going to be best for you.
Your brother is never getting that money back. Ever. The sooner he accepts that, the better off he'll be.
Your father is missing the empathy/sympathy gene, and is a narcissist. In his eyes, it was likely your brother's "duty" to give him that money, and only an ungrateful child would expect a $50k loan to be paid back. (His viewpoint, not mine!)
Your Dad simply can't see anything beyond his own life, and he wants what he wants when he wants it...it all comes back to how something affects HIM. He also seems to thrive on stirring up drama where he can.
Your brother should write off that money -- he isn't going to see it again, and I suppose it should go without saying here that you're not going to see your $4k again, either.
Cutting off contact with your Dad is likely the only viable solution here, unless you can figure out a way you keep your contact with him at arm's length and surface level. He isn't going to change his spots.
Wow, this nailed it!
OP, your father is a sociopath. In your shoes, I'd live my life as though he were dead.
Hard I know but the only person suffering here is you.
Your kids will follow your lead - if you disengage from this man, so will they.
I finally broke away from my beastly mother when she pulled her chit on my new baby. Fast forward 22 years and my daughter hasn't heard a word from "grandma" and as she's got one nana who adores her, she doesnt feel any loss whatsoever.
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